Fellas: Stop focusing so much on your looks!

You know, a lot of men think that women’s attraction to men work in the same way that men’s attraction is for women, largely appearance-based. And, of course, when women do talk a lot about good-looking guys or focus too much on the guys’ height, or swipe left on a lot of guys on dating apps due to those dating apps being largely appearance-based to begin with, it doesn’t help that inaccurate way of thinking.

But allow me to… enlighten you on why for women, a lot of times, it’s more about who a guy is and how much they respect him as opposed to what he looks like. Granted, some women may notice a nice looking guy, and I suppose it doesn’t hurt, but try to believe me when I tell you this, a guy with attitude, swag, and a strong mind who is average looking (or even a bit rough looking) might be more attractive to a lot of women then a relatively handsome fellow who is someone they consider to be too soft, too passive, too weak, or someone they just don’t respect for whatever reason, perhaps, because the guys suffers from self-esteem issues, confidence issues, is needy, and really wants to be liked and validated by others. Fortunately or unfortunately, for whatever reason, it seems that a lot of women simply don’t respect or aren’t very attracted to men who are desperate for approval and validation from other people, even if he just wants to be liked by women.

These are not necessarily things that I like to say or admit, since for a long time, I have been a person who really wanted to be liked and validated by others. The irony is, as much as I wanted to be popular or liked or whatever, I actually wasn’t very popular, wasn’t super liked, didn’t get a lot of the women that I wanted, and probably didn’t have a lot of friends either. In fact, I still don’t think that I have a lot of very close friends, but I digress. Enough about me.

Now let’s dive into the subject at hand . I want to present to you examples of three or four different men. If you are of the black demographic or, at least, if you are familiar with hip-hop from at least back in the 90s, then you might be aware of 2Pac, who I humbly feel is the best overall rapper, at least as my pick for that category.

Now let’s look at his picture.

For you women who don’t know him, how attractive would you rate him on a scale of one to 10?

For you women who do know him, I’m sure you probably already rank him a 10 or so. Why? Because it may not be based on his physical appearance (even if it isn’t bad), but it’s because you know that Tupac was that dude! Anybody who listens to his music and has even seen some of his movies know that Tupac was that dude. And with his lyrics and the things he talked about, you could tell that he wasn’t just some ignorant thug, he had intelligence, awareness, and knew what was going on, but you knew he had some thug in him too. And so, based on his music and how he carried himself, a lot of women loved them some 2Pac.

In fact, for those of you who don’t know, apparently, Jada Pinkett Smith was very close to him and probably even liked him, even to the point that some say that Will Smith was insecure about Tupac. It has also been said that their daughter wrote a letter about wanting 2Pac (who is allegedly dead… but that’s another topic) to come back so that her mom can be happy.

Anyway, for you people who don’t know about Tupac, let me ask you about someone else that you might know of very well. This guy below, on a scale of one to 10, what would you rate him as far as attractiveness?

See, a lot of women would probably say a eight, nine, or 10 because they know who he is, Eminem! And if you listen to his music or know how he comes off, people know that Eminem is a lyrical assassin. But let’s keep it real. If a lot of women didn’t know who Eminem was, if he wasn’t famous, if he was just a regular white guy walking around, looking like this, especially if he kind of walked with his head down, felt kind of bad about himself, wondered why women didn’t really like him or talk to him that much, and any time a woman did show him some attention, he wanted to hold onto her for dear life because he wanted to be liked and loved and didn’t want to be abandoned, do you think that those same women who came across him would rate him as a 10?

Now, hey, I’m not bashing him or 2Pac. I like both of their music. However, the point I’m trying to drive home to you fellas reading is that a lot of times, women’s attraction to a man may not be as much about looks as it is about who you are, how you carry yourself, and whether or not you are that dude. Perhaps this goes along with why some women supposedly like bad boys. It may not necessarily be the…moral flexibility that they have, but more that they just seem to have a “they don’t GAF”mentality in general that just kind of bleeds into them having some morally questionable behavior.

Finally, let’s look at another iconic character that I’m a fan of and who a lot of people are a fan of. Low and behold, the joker!

Even though the joker is a character that a lot of men like, perhaps because he also seems to have a “not GAF” mentality and perhaps because some men can relate to him, at least to what may have driven him crazy based on the movie Joker or the highly-acclaimed comic and literary work, “The Killing Joke.” #ad

Side note: One thing about the Joker, at least according to the comics, is that no one really knows what his origin story is since he seemed to lie about it and/or was so psychotic that he doesn’t even know or care to be honest about it.

But beyond all that, it seems that there are actually some women who like The Joker and might even find him attractive as well! But let’s keep it real, when it comes to a lot of the renditions of The Jokers, do you think he would be considered a pretty boy or particularly attractive?

Maybe not. And if he wasn’t The Joker, would he get the kind of respect that he gets? And, concerning the women who like The Joker as a character, would they like him if he had low self-esteem and simply begged for them to love him? In fact, even looking at the movie, Joker, let’s keep it 100, before he became The Joker, do you think that a lot of women would have liked him for just being Arthur Fleck?

Fortunately or unfortunately, it may be that a lot of women wouldn’t have.

However, according to The Joker comic mythology, even he ended up having a woman eventually, known as Harley Quinn, who, according to most renditions of it, was his therapist whose head he got in and who somehow became enthralled with him. Even according to the comic mythology, do you think that she became enthralled with him because of how “hot” he was or, rather, was it because of his mind, how he thought, and because he was intriguing?

Now, some guys may take this the wrong way and say that all of this means that they should just be a bad boy and be off the chain in order to get love from women. Not necessarily. Even though, fortunately or unfortunately, a lot of women seem to prefer bad boys over good guys or would rather take a chance on a bad boy who exuded confidence, masculinity, the ability to take action, etc., over a guy who they know is really nice, but who seems to be passive, have low self-esteem, puts them on a pedestal, etc., regardless of how much morally better he may seem to be then the other option. As unfortunate as it may be, it is what it is.

All that being said, I’m not saying that you have to be a bad boy or chaotic just to find love. The major point I was trying to drive home is that it’s not about looks! In fact, there may even be some short men who are really good with women because regardless of whatever physical shortcomings they supposedly have (no pun intended), they may still have a “don’t GAF” mentality and don’t let people clown them about that kind of stuff, they stand up for themselves, or at least have a strong enough mind to where they can even laugh off the short jokes or not even worry about any women who might be superficial enough to reject them over their heights to begin with.

There was a man known as Eazy-E, who is also said to be one of the top artists in the rap game, who wasn’t all that tall.

A lot of women seemed to be attracted to him and, though he was famous and not particularly rough looking, it may also have had to do with his character and who he was as well. The same with the late artist formerly known as Prince.

Sure, some women may have found him physically attractive, however, some say that he was also a short person. And there are also some women who don’t even like men who look what they would consider a bit too effeminate. Even so, he had women and a lot of them. Fine women too. I know, he was famous and everything, but it seems that there was something about the way he carried himself and a certain type of confidence that he had or exuded that made some women find him attractive. If you don’t know how he acted around women, perhaps you might do well to watch the movie Purple Rain and perhaps Graffiti Bridge as well.

Granted, he may have wore shoes to make himself a little taller, but hey, I suppose just because people do a few things to enhance their appearance doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re not confident. They’re just enhancements, perhaps.

So After all that has been said, I really want you guys to know that, more often than not, it’s really not that much about looks. I think that some women me know who they absolutely won’t talk to based on looks (as far as who they simply fine to physically unattractive to get past) but for most men, they are probably just kind of average to women, and aren’t seen as being attractive, nor ugly, but like a blank slate until their character, personality, or whatever else, shows through. So it’s more about how much self-respect you have, how much you have and enforce your own boundaries, how authentic you are (that is, how much you honestly present yourself, your ideas, and your values to the world) and allowing the right people to love you as opposed to trying to present yourself in whatever way you think is necessary to be liked and accepted.

I think a wise man known as Mark Manson once talked about vulnerability (which can be another word for authenticity), being one of the most attractive qualities a man can have, which is basically confidence and, ultimately, being honest about who they are and what they want, without being too invested in what other people will think about it and without being too invested in being liked or loved. I think that last part is key. You can get more wisdom from him in his book Models.

#ad

Finally, I’m trying to think of some examples of some seemingly good and famous people that women like, yet who probably aren’t considered super physically attractive. I can’t really think of anyone off the top, but I suppose one person I can think of is Morgan Freeman.

Now, just looking at the guy, people may not have considered him to be a physical heartthrob, however, perhaps based on the way he carries himself and how he seems like a person with wisdom, women respect him and, because they respect him, may find something very attractive or alluring about him. If you know of any other celebrities who women are attracted to who aren’t bad boys and thugs and who aren’t extremely handsome or conventionally attractive either, please post them in the comment section and maybe I’ll update this article to include them as well.

Thank you for reading and for any support and comments.