Feelings of Resentment and Self-Loathing Are Part and Parcel of Growing up Black

For some, it is easier to believe BIPOC have an inbuilt victim complex rather than see society for what it is

Growing up in Zimbabwe meant I was never given the impression that I was different. So coming to the UK and eight years old was a shock. People were automatically cruel to me for no reason, I had my first experience with racism at that age and they expected me to react and act as if I was the adult.

This created an environment that birthed a lot of self-resentment and self-hatred. I said some obscene stuff about being Black. Things that would have made Kanye West proud. No one had ever sat me down to break down racism. So in my head, what was going on was my fault. I believed that it was the responsibility of Black people to act in a way that made white people comfortable. So I did exactly that. I purposely avoided anything “Black.” I stopped speaking my native tongue to remove my accent. I made myself smaller, polite and respectable.

Spoiler alert. Acting a particular way does not stop racist abuse. I learnt the hard way at 15 that it doesn’t matter how you talk, dress, and act. They will see an n***** first. Though they say all these things about what would make us acceptable, when it happens, they will still have a problem with us that they “can’t place”. At the end of the day, racism isn’t logical. Racists aren’t logical. Cooning does nothing. To them, you will still be Black. And Black is bad.

Jane Elliott is an anti-racism activist, known or her “Blue eyes–Brown eyes” exercise. I remember watching a video a while back in which she asked a room full of white people to raise their hand if they would like to be treated in the same way in which Black Americans are. As far as I am aware, no one raised their hands.

We all know there is a problem. There is obviously a problem. However, admitting it would be costly and humiliating for some. It would cause these people to look at people they love to realise they aren’t good people. Currently, the avoidance of guilt is seen as more righteous than BIPOC liberation.

We are at an interesting part of human evolution where people hate to be called a racist but don’t hate actually being one. A time where instead of saying the Duchess of Sussex is being exposed to racist press coverage, MPs said the abuse had “outdated, colonial undertones.”

People will do everything to prove they aren’t racist except change. For some, it is easier to believe BIPOC have an inbuilt victim complex rather than see society for what it is.

I could now take the time to list statistics to prove my point, but I will not do that. I don’t need to waste my time proving something that we all know exists.

One of my favourite Toni Morrison quotes is:

The function, the very serious function of racism is a distraction. It keeps you from doing your work. It keeps you explaining, over and over again, your reason for being. Somebody says you have no language and you spend twenty years proving that you do. Somebody says your head isn’t shaped properly so you have scientists working on the fact that it is. Somebody says you have no art, so you dredge that up. Somebody says you have no kingdoms, so you dredge that up. None of this is necessary. There will always be one more thing.

When I was younger, I felt like it was my responsibility to school people on the error of their ways. As a result, I lost “friends” and got ignored. To them, my fight was just white noise. These days I point people towards Google.

As I said above, we all know there is a problem. I will happily do more for those who truly want to learn however others comment on your life experiences with the sole intention of wasting your time. These days I don’t respond to that.

Resentment and self-loathing is part and parcel of growing up Black. It is not an innate response but something learnt from social cues and society. I do not wake up and decide to be offended. And I am tired of hating myself. I did that for too many years to now have the patience to sit someone down and explain to them why I am worthy of having a peaceful existence. I’m tired of justifying this to people who don’t play a significant role in my life.

Today is Halloween, and I am already contemplating avoiding social media. Every year we have the same cultural appropriation discussions and I am tired. If you are still confused as to why you can’t darken your skin, I don’t know what to tell you. It is 2019.

As Toni says, none of that is necessary. There will always be one more thing. I did not grow up hating who I am to be gaslit into believing we live in a racism free society. If you are tired of hearing about racism, injustices, and cultural appropriation. Imagine how tired we are.

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