White Tears, Amber Guyger and “Being Kind”

We can disagree and still love each other, unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist — James Baldwin

I have always found it weird how people can remember as far back as 4 years old. I don’t have many memories of growing up in Zimbabwe but I do remember moving to the UK. My dad had just moved over to practise law, so myself and my siblings soon followed suit.

White Tears

Age 8

Recently Chimamanda made a statement in which she stated that she wasn’t aware that she was Black until she moved to America. Though there has been some debate on the interpretation of the statement, a summary I like is;

My first experience of racism was when I moved to the UK at 8 years old. Lunchtimes were awkward and isolating. When I tried consulting my teacher about it she advised me to try harder. So I did.

I remember one day there was a group of kids playing in the field so I meekly meandered across and asked if I could join in.

The other kids fell back as the “leader of the pack” Harry* came forward and told me bluntly that I couldn’t play because “there weren’t any Black characters in Star Wars.” (I have since learned that there are Black characters in Star Wars).

Embarrassed, I went back into the classroom and sat back in my seat. Waiting for resume class in hysteric sobs. It was them that my teacher came in and tried to console me. She tried her best to find out what was wrong but I refused to answer. Even at that age, I had formed a distrust of teachers.

Though I was too young to understand the nuances of race, I knew what I had been told was wrong. And even though the boy was not my friend I was still worried about getting him into trouble. So I said nothing.

Sometime after the incident, my teacher introduced a box. The idea was that we could write confidential notes and discuss them in class. She promised complete anonymity and discretion. At first, I had a hard time believing this but after completing the exercise a couple of times, I thought I could trust her. So on my note, I wrote about my experience.

In retrospect, it was glaringly obvious that I had written the note but in my defence, I was eight! My teacher then tried her best to teach us the ins and outs of racism. This was around the time of all those give racism the red card videos so she referenced those a lot.

Around 10 minutes into her explanation we started hearing some sniffs in the corner. The sounds grew louder until we all had no choice but to direct our attention towards it. I turned round to see Harry crying.

Flash forward to lunchtime and I was called into the headmaster’s office with Harry and my teacher. In it, we discussed the situation. Harry shared his side and I told mine. However, what was meant to be a teaching moment and discussion ended up with both the headmaster and teacher consoling Harry while he cried.

I don’t remember exactly what was said but the discussion concluded when I was told to be wary of accusing people of things, especially if they are as remorseful as Harry was.

I was toldthen that instead of writing a note, I should have talked to Harry about my feelings and addressed the problem head-on. However because I had made him severely upset, it was important that I apologise.

Being Black means that even as a child I was expected to reason, act and be treated like an adult.

Age 17

We were in psychology class. We were a small class, we would routinely work in pairs. I was with my best friend Toby* at the time. As expected we were doing no work, chatting about boys and girls when we heard a sob coming from the back of the class.

We turned to find a girl called Molly* in full hysterics. Our teacher was flabbergasted and tried his best to calm her down. Through her sobs, we were able to piece together the broken phrases spluttering out. She was crying because she heard myself and Toby laughing about her. Spoiler alert — we were not.

So I calmly explained to my teacher how ludicrous the notion was seeing as she and Toby were extremely close friends. However, she cried on. To the point that twenty minutes into an hour-long class, we were all dismissed except Toby and I, who were asked to stay and explain the situation.

By lunchtime the whole year knew about the incident. Luckily for me, Toby was well-liked, nice and seen as an honest guy. So when he told everyone that we had been talking and laughing about something else, they believed him.

Though I had done nothing, after the next class I was told by my teacher (alone) that I had to learn how to be sensitive to other peoples predispositions. He then told me that although Molly had started crying over a misunderstanding, she had always felt uncomfortable with my presence and I had to be careful around her.

Perhaps the most “shocking” development is that instead of apologising she avoided me for the rest of the year. Choosing instead to start various rumours with me at the focal. The most damaging being that her painting me as the owner of a prolific cyberbullying account — I hadn’t, it was this girl called Natasha — which got me ostracised from my friendship group.

I guess I could have told everyone it was Natasha however, I am loyal to a fault and had promised not to so kept it to myself. And accepted the blowbacks.

We are required to pack up our feelings and grievances into small compact packs to make space for the privileged instead. Our feelings are always secondary to their discomfort.

Age 18

During breakfast at school, I was arguing with a friend. I’m not sure what it was about but if my memory serves me correctly I poured water into his cereal. In response he said an outwardly racist statement, comparing me to a slave.

Though I knew I wasn’t blameless, I decided that racism wasn’t ever a sanctioned form of insult so I went to my head of sixth form to report the incident. I told her everything.

After the meeting, she told me she would see what she could do.

A day later I was called back in the room. She said she had spoken to Callum* and he had admitted what he had said. It was then that she asked me not to escalate the incident further because he had just been offered a place to study Medicine at Cambridge Univerisity.

She also outlined that he had been having issues at home, though this didn’t excuse his actions, she asked that I be understanding. Reminding me that I wasn’t completely blameless almost hinting that it was my fault.

In the end, I chose to drop the matter. Who was I to get in the way of a promising medical career?

Marginalised individuals will have had similar incidents. My stories are neither unique or isolated. There are also a lot more.

“White tears” is a phrase signifying the crying of white people when their privilege is pointed out.

White tears — this obliviousness, defensiveness, hypersensitivity, narcissism, fabricated persecution and abject wrongness — are often the impetus behind more serious acts of racially antagonistic behaviour.

When they do this they are using their emotions as a weapon. In the end, they have you apologising for your tone, your demeanour, your actions but never theirs. Because how dare you call out bad behaviour and get them in trouble? Sympathy and condolences are never with us. Only to our attackers. Being Black means that even as a child I was expected to reason, act and be treated like an adult.

As I mentioned above, in the last incident I am not blameless, however, I know many people who have lost their shit without resulting to racism. For much less than a replaceable bowl of cereal.

These incidences may seem very little in the grand scheme of things, however, the effects on a societal level can be devastating.

Amber Guyger

On September 6th 2018, Botham Jean was gunned down and killed by a police officer called Amber Guyger in his house. Guyger claims that she thought it was her apartment.

She was tried in court recently and sentenced for 10 years in prison — something that surprised almost all people — but I noticed that throughout her trial she was nothing short of pandered. From Botham Jean’s brother and the judge hugging her. To a bailiff combing out her hair. In their acts, they speak of kindness and how she was remorseful.

Throughout her testimony there were lots of tears, tears which she said came from remorse. In my opinion, she wasn’t remorseful. I watched her testimony and she wasn’t crying when the prosecutor called her out for arranging to go for drinks two days after the shooting with friends or when they pulled out the body from the house.

According to a medical examiner who testified during the case, Botham Jean, was either lying down or bent over when he was fatally shot in his apartment. Not to mention there was the red mat outside his door and the fact that the shot used was designed to kill.

I believe she was scared to go to jail. Because in her mind, the protection of being a police officer should have meant this case never went to trial. But it did. And she was freaking out.

However, the clips of her being hugged went viral. With a message that spoke of kindness and forgiveness.

Portia Bartley said it best in her article, Amber Guyger Does Not Deserve Our Forgiveness;

Our pain has been consistently ignored, yet we’ve been conditioned to be complicit and forgive no matter what. Since the moment we were enslaved, Black people have been expected to endure many forms of trauma. From online abuse in the present day to buck breaking and having our babies used as bait, we potentially encounter more problems when we voice being upset. Even in the face of mass shootings, beratement, and police brutality, the focus is often on the mental health of the perpetrator, if not slandering the victim.

“Being Kind”

A few days ago Ellen DeGeneres received backlash over her friendship with former President George W. Bush. Most people were upset that a woman married to a woman, would hang around with a president who opposed marriage rights for LGBTQ citizens. Not to mention his various war crimes and his support of Brett Kavanaugh’s appointment.

DeGeneres later addressed the matter during a taping of her show, telling her audience, “I’m friends with a lot of people who don’t share the same beliefs that I have. We’re all different, and I think we’ve forgotten that that’s OK, that we’re all different.”

The end message was to be kind to everyone. A message supported by many celebrities who showed us all that they prioritise positive vibes over justice. However, Mark Ruffalo didn’t disappoint stating that;

Asking for kindness in the face of a threat comes from a place of privilege. It would be wonderful to ignore the bad but for some of us, it is our existence being put to question. We can’t blissfully walk away.

Kindness and forgiveness are important however it shouldn’t be unconditional. It has to be earned. But more often than not it comes to the expense of marginalised people. It is hard to be kind when we are still waiting for justice.

No matter the issue, from primary school to international war crimes, the onus is on BIPOC to be kind, forgiving and understanding. At the detriment of ourselves and our autonomy.

We are required to pack up our feelings and grievances into small compact packs to make space for the privileged instead. Our feelings are always secondary to their discomfort.

And I’m tired of being asked to be kind. When so few are willing to be kind to me.

We can disagree and still love each other unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist — James Baldwin

*Names were changed even though I’m too broke to be sued

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