Fear of Abandonment: Why You Have It, And How To Heal
Are your abandonment issues sabotaging your relationships?
Fear of abandonment is something many of us carry, yet we have no idea how deeply it affects our lives and relationships.
More often than not, we’re not aware of our abandonment issues — we’re aware of its symptoms.
We’re aware of our jealousy, our insecurities, our anxiety, and our overall inability to form healthy, stable connections. We’re aware of the fact that we somehow always end up feeling abandoned, even when the abandonment is not real.
It can take many years — and many failed relationships — to finally realize there’s something deeper going on that we need to address.
The first time I heard the term abandonment issues was when I was 16, and my then-therapist kindly told me I had an extreme fear of abandonment due to my childhood. I had no idea what she was talking about — I didn’t view my childhood as traumatic in any way, shape, or form.
Now I know where she was coming from.
Unfortunately, childhood trauma is way more present than we realize, and sometimes, it leads us to live in a constant state of fear where we’re always expecting to be rejected, forgotten, or abandoned.
Abandonment Issues: Why Do We Have Them?
Abandonment issues start in childhood. So if we want to understand the root cause of our fear of abandonment, it’s important to view life through the eyes of a child — not through the eyes of our adult self.
Besides, we also need to realize that not everyone manifests their abandonment issues the same way:
- some of us avoid emotional intimacy and push people away (because we’re anticipating being abandoned);
- others become anxiously attached and need constant reassurance.
Sometimes, we go back and forth between these two behaviors: one moment, we’re guarded and reserved, the other, we feel needy and guilty, so we end up anxiously texting our friend/partner. If this is your case, you probably have a fearful-avoidant attachment style.
In any case, the root cause is a deep fear of abandonment.
This fear usually stems from childhood experiences that left us feeling hopeless and overwhelmed. Some possible causes are:
- Emotional abandonment (when your parents are physically present but emotionally distant);
- Being raised in a home filled with conflict and chaos;
- Adoption (being abandoned at birth makes you believe there’s something wrong with you, even if your adoptive family is loving and securely attached);
- Divorce (for a child, it can feel like abandonment);
- Growing up in a family that is not able to meet your emotional needs;
- The death of a loved one;
- Physical, verbal, or emotional abuse;
As children, we can’t always cope with stressful, traumatic circumstances. Whether we’re aware of it or not, these experiences leave marks that last for lifetimes and have a tremendous impact on our nervous system.
Unfortunately, we tend to ignore our emotional pain.
“Although it is not an official phobia, the fear of abandonment is arguably one of the most common and most damaging fears of all. People with the fear of abandonment may tend to display behaviors and thought patterns that affect their relationships.
Ultimately, maladaptive coping with this fear can result in the abandonment they dread becoming a reality. Consequently, this fear can be devastating.”
Lisa Fritscher, in Understanding Fear of Abandonment
How To Heal
Your fear of abandonment doesn’t have to stay with you forever. With the right tools and the right help, you can find a way to move past it and feel more secure in yourself and your relationships.
The simple act of acknowledging you have abandonment issues is powerful because it allows you to behave more consciously — instead of listening to the narratives of rejection and abandonment, your mind keeps playing.
Now, you can choose which voice to listen to…
- the voice who’s stuck in the past and is trying to protect you at all costs by replaying scenarios where you felt abandoned;
- or the voice who knows the future can be different and there are people out there who will make you feel safe.
Here are some of the things that have helped me address my fear of abandonment.
1. Find a good, well-trained therapist.
If you can afford it, therapy can really help you unpack your trauma and explore your experiences of abandonment. However, it’s important to find a well-trained therapist that is able to validate your feelings and help you replace your thought patterns with healthier ones.
2. Work on regulating your nervous system.
One of the reasons it’s so difficult for us to leave our anxiety behind is that our nervous system is completely dysregulated.
The good news is that you can cultivate habits that will make you feel grounded and secure in the long run. In my case, I’ve realized the most helpful tools to relieve my anxiety and become aware of my emotional patterns are:
- Meditation — it triggers the calming response in the body and helps me release emotions I’ve been suppressing;
- Journaling — helps me process my feelings and get everything off my chest;
- Creativity (coloring, painting) — it makes my inner child feel loved and nourished;
- CBD oil — has very relaxing and therapeutic effects, and it’s the only thing that relieves my anxiety instantly.
If you’d like to know more about what I’ve been doing to regulate my nervous system, read this article.
3. Use books to get to the root cause of your fear.
Although I’m currently seeing a therapist that has been helping me a lot, I was completely alone when I first began my healing journey.
Something that helped me was reading as many psychology books as possible (especially books on childhood trauma and attachment theory). I highly recommend Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Dr. Lindsay Gibson and How To Do The Work by Dr. Nicole LePera.
Understanding the root cause of your fear of abandonment is crucial, and these books will definitely help you. As time goes by, it will be easier for you to detach yourself from your fears and insecurities.
Although fear of abandonment is not a recognized condition or mental health disorder, it’s a type of anxiety that deeply affects our lives.
If you find yourself clinging to unhealthy relationships, fearing emotional intimacy, or needing constant reassurance, you probably have some deeper issues than you need to address.
It’s not easy to move past this fear, but it’s certainly not impossible. I’ve moved past it and still struggle with it sometimes. However, now I know my negative thoughts are not rational, and I’m able to let them go.
I know you, too, have the ability to feel safe and secure.