The Tricky Thing About Boundaries
Make sure you don’t make this mistake.
When I write about boundaries, I tend to write for people who have weak boundaries and want to learn how to be assertive and stop neglecting their needs.
I do it because I know that’s something many people struggle with, myself included. As someone who used to be a people-pleaser, I’m very aware of how difficult it is to start saying no instead of prioritizing the needs and demands of everyone around us.
However, that’s only one side of the coin.
Just like some people have boundaries that are too weak, others have boundaries that are too rigid — which is just as damaging.
Weak vs Rigid Boundaries
When we have weak boundaries, we tend to give too much. We associate our self-worth with our ability to please others and make others feel comfortable, even if that means ignoring our needs and desires.
If you avoid conflict at all costs and say yes to everything, you have weak boundaries. You don’t know how to say no because you think you need to be nice and agreeable in order to be loved and accepted.
On the other hand, when we have rigid boundaries, we close ourselves off. We avoid real intimacy and connection because we fear rejection and want to be as independent as possible. We avoid asking for help, and we associate vulnerability with weakness.
Sometimes we alternate between these two extremes. We create huge walls around us, yet when we do let people in, we let them walk all over us. If that’s your case, you probably have a fearful-avoidant attachment style.
It’s important to understand that our boundaries are highly influenced by our upbringing. If we’re not modeled boundaries from an early age, we won’t know what they are or how to set them.
For instance:
- If our parents constantly violate our boundaries (if they don’t respect our personal space and/or our right to express ourselves), we may feel like we don’t have the right to set boundaries;
- If one of our parents has rigid boundaries (if they’re distant, emotionally unavailable, or authoritarian), we may feel like that’s how relationships should be — so we develop rigid boundaries to protect ourselves at all times, or, on the other hand, we develop weak boundaries to please them and prioritize their needs.
- Sometimes we have weak boundaries in one area, and rigid boundaries in another (e.g. weak boundaries with our family, rigid boundaries with our friends).
The Healthy Balance
So here’s the problem.
People who have weak boundaries see healthy boundaries as rigid — and those who have rigid boundaries see healthy boundaries as weak.
Let me explain. If you’re a people-pleaser (meaning, most of your boundaries are very weak) you think being assertive and setting healthy boundaries is cruel/mean/insensitive. That’s because you don’t know how to separate yourself from others and you don’t see yourself as worthy of setting boundaries.
On the other hand, if you tend to have rigid boundaries, it’s very difficult for you to be vulnerable — not only with others but also with yourself. And the truth is that you cannot set healthy boundaries if you’re not willing to a) turn inward and get in touch with your feelings, and b) have honest and difficult conversations about how you feel and/or what you need.
In both cases, your life is unbalanced. Because if you had healthy boundaries, you’d be able to find the middle ground.
Healthy, balanced boundaries allow you to meet your needs and be vulnerable. They allow you to be assertive and feel worthy of expressing yourself.
Healthy, balanced boundaries are not selfish. They may feel selfish if you’ve had weak boundaries your whole life, but they’re actually very reasonable.
Healthy, balanced boundaries create space for both parties to have their needs met. However, they require mutual empathy and respect. That’s why, when it comes to boundaries, we all have different lessons:
- If you currently have weak boundaries, you need to realize that you have every right to speak your limits and express yourself. You need to understand that assertiveness is not aggressiveness;
- If your boundaries are too rigid, you need to realize that there’s a difference between boundaries and walls— and that it’s impossible to build genuine relationships if you keep walls around you.
Different boundaries require different approaches.
Whether your boundaries are too weak, too rigid, or a bit of both, I promise you it’s never too late to heal yourself and learn to set healthy boundaries.
You don’t have to be selfless, but you don’t have to be emotionally unavailable either.
It’s possible to find balance.