17 Facts About Infidelity That Will Open Your Mind To How Big The Problem Is
Men and women view kissing differently, men cheat more sexually, women cheat more emotionally, and much more
The subject of infidelity causes a lot of emotion in many ways and for good reason, it is one of the most emotionally charging elements of modern relationships. But with 18 to 25 percent of dating app users believed to be married or in a relationship, it is rampant.
Here are 17 facts about infidelity that you probably didn’t know.
Disclaimer: this post is about infidelity, and includes theories about why infidelity happens, including potential evolutionary reasons of why it exists, keep this in mind.
Cheating happens a lot — like really, a lot
When it comes to cheating, the younger generations in liberal societies are far more likely to cheat than the older generations and those in conservative societies. For example, when it comes to the global statistics for sexual infidelity, men are more likely to cheat than women, but only 20 to 25 percent of men and 15 to 20 percent of women report having cheated sexually.
However, figures for the Western world are more erratic and substantially higher, and in some studies between 50 and 70 percent of men have reported having cheated sexually at least once, with between 45 and 55 percent of women reporting that they have.
Further cementing just how much we all cheat, or at least Westerners do, if kissing is classed as infidelity, further studies have shown that upwards of 80 percent of people, with no gender divide, report having kissed someone other than their partner romantically.
Even further cementing how much we all cheat, again, at least in the Western world, when it comes to emotional affairs, the Truth about Deception project has an ongoing survey that presently has 95,000 respondents, in which 91 percent of women have admitted to having had an emotional affair along with 77 percent of men.
What makes these figures all the crazier, is that only 5 percent of us report believing that our partner would commit infidelity against us.
The most common reason for infidelity is not what people think — but is even more damning
The majority of people put the blame for infidelity on unhappiness in the present relationship, so on the fact that something is missing. For example, the most common reasons are listed as a sense of emotional disconnection from a partner, falling out of love, feeling underappreciated, a lack of commitment, a lack of sexual desire, self-esteem problems, and much more.
However, all of these things are common in all relationships, even happy ones, and most are addressable. That means none of them are linked per se to cheating, there is a larger factor at play. The opportunity factor.
Yup, the evidence says the most common reason people cheat is actually that they get the opportunity to do so and cannot stop themselves from taking it.
So, it seems the more people get the opportunity to cheat, the more likely they are to do so — regardless of whether they have a reason to do so or not, regardless of whether they are a good person or not. It is just that problems in relationships give people less reason to not take those opportunities.
That means the odds of a person cheating or not appear to be directly linked to how many opportunities they actually get to cheat. The more opportunities they get, the more the statistics say that they will eventually give in to the temptation. At least this is what the majority of recent research seems to show.
Men mostly cheat spontaneously whereas women cheat normally through a buildup of sexual attraction
Countless studies have shown that men most often cheat spontaneously, so, typically a spur-of-the-moment thing which is why when it comes to sex, it typically means nothing more than sex, and because men are getting more chances to cheat spontaneously than ever, many men are taking the opportunity to do so. This is why it’s believed that men are more likely to use dating apps to look for hookups when looking to commit infidelity.
Countless studies show that women most often cheat in a non-spontaneous manner, normally for women it’s either planned out, or it happens as a result of them being around a person that they are attracted to — other than their partner — for a period of time over which sexual attraction begins to build, and they decide to act upon that sexual attraction. Because it is easier than ever to plan out an affair, and situations where this type of sexual attraction can build are increasing, women are increasingly committing infidelity, with repeated data showing that women’s level of infidelity is rising yearly.
Women tend to cheat sexually more often “upwards”
The evidence says that when women cheat sexually it typically is “upwards” in direction — so with a man that would be deemed as being higher up the desirability pecking order. It is believed that this is because women have more opportunity to cheat sexually upwards, but also because there is likely an evolutionary and thus instinctual benefit to women avoiding cheating downwards.
To explain, the theory goes that when a woman cheats sexually she is risking paternity fraud i.e. getting pregnant by another man. That means typically women need a greater reason to cheat sexually, and instinctually, being impregnated by a man higher up the pecking order is perhaps not a good reason, but it is a less bad reason than the opposite.
So, it’s believed that the reason women more often cheat sexually upwards is that if they are going to risk paternity fraud, it is better to risk it with a man higher up the pecking order than a one lower down.
Men mostly cheat “downwards” sexually
The evidence says men who commit infidelity don’t particularly have a preference for whether the person they cheat with would be classed as being more or less desirable than their present partner. It seems it literally is for men the opportunity. When the opportunity presents itself, it appears not to matter how the person compares to their present partner, all that seems to matter is that the opportunity is there.
It’s believed that this is why men typically cheat sexually more often “downwards”, because they typically get more opportunities to cheat that way. Some argue also that it is because women typically only cheat upwards sexually, so because women typically more often only cheat upwards sexually, inevitably, men get more opportunities to cheat downwards, and vice versa women get more to cheat upwards.
That means it’s likely women mostly cheat sexually upwards because men don’t have a preference for the direction that they are cheating in, but women do — at least most of the time.
People have very different views over what is classed as infidelity — this causes endless problems
Countless studies have shown that the vast majority of people all have very different and nuanced views over what constitutes both themselves and their partners committing an act of infidelity.
Further complicating matters, countless evidence shows that the majority seem to view themselves committing certain acts as not being infidelity, but appear to see things differently should their partner commit the same acts.
For example, much research has shown that many see themselves having a close friendship with a person of the opposite sex as not being an act of infidelity, but they see their partner doing the same differently. Other examples include flirting, kissing, and many other things. There is no gender divide in this type of behaviour.
It’s believed the reason we think like this is that when we do these acts ourselves, if we do not believe them to be a threat to the relationship i.e. we are not going to progress with them, then we see them as not dangerous. So, it’s harmless fun. But because we can’t be certain our partner is not feeling more for a person, it’s difficult for us to feel the same when a partner does the same things.
This is why psychologists believe that couples tend to refrain from talking about what they truly see as an act of infidelity, with them instead just going down the conventional, everything line, because people can’t come up with a consistent idea about what would actually constitute an act of infidelity i.e. they can’t come up with anything other than an “it’s different when I do it” answer.
Kissing is the area where men and women have the biggest difference of opinion over whether it’s infidelity or not
Numerous polls have shown that upwards of 60 and 70 percent of men believe that kissing someone other than your partner is okay, whereas only between 30 and 40 percent of women think the same. The reason for the differences is believed to lie in the different biological mechanisms that happen in men and women when they kiss.
Basically, it’s believed women have evolved to use kissing as a means to test immune system compatibility in a potential mate. So, when a woman kisses a man — or a woman — she is able to instinctually analyse their immune system and test whether it is a good complementary match for hers or not. The more similar the immune systems, the more she will reject the person, the less similar, the more she will want to keep kissing them.
Men do not do this, the reason men kiss is predominantly believed to be linked to the fact that saliva contains testosterone, which means when a man kisses a woman — or a man — he increases their testosterone levels, which increases their sex drives.
This is why it is believed that men will happily have sex without ever kissing, but women will rarely have sex without first kissing: women kiss to judge whether a person is somebody they should be having sex with, men kiss to try to increase their chances of having sex. So, if a woman — or man — is willing to have sex without kissing, then the man has no instinctual need to kiss.
All in all, it’s believed this is why women see kissing as a greater act of infidelity than men, because kissing for women is very important for mate selection purposes, but for men, it’s just not — at least not chemically speaking.
Note: these differences are believed to be why men are not very selective when it comes to kissing, but women are, they are also believed to be why women have a much more vivid memory of their first kiss than men, many even giving it more weight than their first time — something very few men by comparison do.
A marriage where divorce is not allowed makes infidelity less mentally traumatic
People were a lot more tolerant of infidelity in the past, and it’s believed that infidelity in the past did not greatly traumatise people to anywhere near the level it does now. In the majority of people, it’s believed it likely did not traumatise them at all. It’s believed this likely explains the “men will be men” attitude women evolved, along with the turn a blind eye attitude to both male and female infidelities.
It’s believed the reason infidelity hurts us so much more now is simply that a partner can leave us. To explain, if a person has an affair, but we know that that affair can never lead to that person leaving us, the security of our relationship is not anywhere near as much in jeopardy as if they could leave us.
That means a woman could cheat emotionally and it would not threaten the relationship because she could not leave her current husband, she could cheat sexually and become impregnated, and her current husband could not leave.
The same would happen if a man cheated sexually and even emotionally, even if he got another woman pregnant. He could not leave his wife and had to continue to provide for her and their children — no matter what.
It should be noted, that there were historical punishments for infidelity in some cultures, and many countries still have severe penalties for adultery, but it’s believed such penalties make people less likely to out their partners due to how self-defeating it would be i.e. if your husband or wife gets injured due to being flogged or whatever, it could hinder their ability to do their job i.e. provide for the children or look after them. Also, if they got killed, replacing them would be extremely difficult.
This is why psychologists always make clear that people are not hurt by the act of cheating per se, they are hurt because the act of cheating puts the security of the relationship in jeopardy i.e. it makes a partner feel less secure about whether their partner will abandon them or not for another person. That’s why it hurts.
Cheats are more likely to forgive cheating
A survey back in 2018 reported that 86 percent of men on adultery site Ashley Madison said that they would forgive infidelity, and 82 percent of women said that they would. On top of that, 85 percent of female members said they had been forgiven for infidelity while 80 percent of the male members said that they had.
This means cheats are more likely to forgive cheating than the general population, which at least means they’re willing to take what they give. Or at least most are.
Those who are adamant they would never cheat are more likely to cheat than the general population
Self-belief can be highly useful, but seemingly not when it comes to cheating. If a person is adamant, there are no circumstances in which they would ever cheat, paradoxically, it would appear to increase the chances that they will cheat — or at least this is what many psychologists have been led to believe based on their experiences.
To explain, if a person is adamant that they will never cheat under any circumstance, the evidence shows that they are less likely to avoid situations that can lead to cheating because they believe that they have the discipline not to cheat. So, because they believe they would never cheat no matter what, they are less cautious about the situations they put themselves into.
This leads to them being more likely to develop feelings unexpectedly, developing feelings unexpectedly is the fast path track to cheating. That means the people who are actually least likely to cheat, are the people who acknowledge that everybody is susceptible, even themselves, and only by working hard at a relationship and on themselves, can any person have a hope of remaining faithful.
That means the people least likely to cheat are those who most accept that we are all human. More importantly than that, they’re the ones who most understand what it means when people say that we are only human.
There is likely less paternity fraud than there used to be
Paternity fraud is when a child has a different parent than the one they think they do. The most common form is where a woman has an affair and gets pregnant through that affair but doesn’t reveal the fact because they don’t know or simply choose not to.
It’s believed that historically paternity fraud used to happen in truly scarily high numbers, likely somewhere between 1 in 10 and 1 in 20. The fact that paternity fraud is more widespread in the developing world, where there is little contraception, is where this belief comes from. Also, DNA heritage testing has also added to the idea that summer between 1 in 10 and 1 in 20 is likely the historical number.
It’s believed that there is less paternity fraud in developed countries, mainly because of the increasing availability of and use of contraception. So, even though we are likely cheating more than ever, there is less paternity fraud than ever. Small wins…
Paternity fraud still happens in scarily high numbers
It’s not known just how much paternity fraud there is in the developed world, but there is evidence that gives us a good idea. For example, a popular figure that gets thrown around is the result of studies from DNA testing clinics, which have shown that over 30 percent of children have a different father than the one they think they have.
However, this figure is misleading. It has to be taken into account that those who test the paternity of children typically have a reason to, hence, why the clinics provide such high numbers.
But there is still believed to be a lot of paternity fraud, and numerous studies which are less biased have found that the true number is likely somewhere between 1 and 4 percent — so somewhere between 1 in 25 and 1 in 100. That’s still a lot.
In fact, there is still so much paternity fraud, that any child who takes a DNA test, whether to look for hereditary genetic disorders or for family tree purposes or whatever, is warned of the potential dangers of finding out about a potential paternity fraud.
Between 20 and 40 percent of divorces are caused by infidelity
Between 20 and 40 percent of divorces are caused by infidelity, but infidelity is rarely the end of a relationship with countless surveys showing that only 15 to 20 percent of people call it a definite deal breaker. Also, numerous surveys show that upwards of 40 percent of people would be actively willing to forgive infidelity without any absolutions.
On top of that, surveys have further shown that many would consider entering an open relationship — or at least a low form of one — should a partner cheat on them rather than returning to “absolute” monogamy.
Yup, it seems we’re all a lot more forgiving and open-minded to infidelity these days than popular culture would have us believe — likely because if you’re not, it’s becoming increasingly pointless having a relationship because it happens in such high numbers. Perhaps a sad indictment. Or perhaps a sign that the majority simply deep down don’t want monogamy anymore.
There is a paradox to forgiving infidelity
The more a person forgives cheating, the more likely they are to continue forgiving cheating. This is because rather paradoxically, the more a person cheats and yet remains in the relationship, the more the cheat proves that they will remain in the relationship. And considering how we perceive cheating to threaten the security of our relationship directly correlates to how we will respond to cheating, that matters.
So, by a person continuing to cheat but remaining in the relationship, on an instinctual level the person who is being cheated on will feel less threatened by the cheating, rather cruelly this makes the person find it more difficult to end the relationship the more the person cheats.
This is why many argue that if a person has cheated on you more than once, it is important to either end the relationship, enter an open relationship of some kind, or at least a more “liberal” monogamy, or acknowledge that you don’t mind your partner cheating. It’s believed doing this — no matter the option chosen, all are fine — will liberate a person from the trauma caused by repeated infidelity.
Emotional affairs potentially have a link to human survival chances
Imagine the old world, where a woman to survive needs a man. Even more than that, where a woman, if she wishes her children to survive, needs that man to stay with her. This is why connections are so important to women, they are what ensure men stick around.
However, if a woman’s chosen man dies, then she and her children would pretty much be screwed. Unless that is, she had a backup option. It’s believed that women have evolved to have emotional affairs to create these backup options, and men have evolved to have emotional affairs so as to act as those backup options.
Literally, as crazy as it may seem, in the old world, the connection between a woman and a man she was having an emotional affair with could be the very thing that saved her and her children should her present partner have died.
It’s believed that instinctually men know this i.e. they know that a woman having this connection with another man could be the only thing that saves his children should he die. This is why it’s believed men have evolved to be more tolerant of emotional affairs — as long as there is no sex involved.
On the flipside, it’s believed that this explains why women have evolved to be less tolerant of them, if a man has an emotional affair with another woman, if that woman is single, the threat is obvious, but even if she is married, then basically that man is by default becoming that married woman’s security blanket.
So, instinctually — or at least the theory goes — women don’t want their men to be any other woman’s security blanket, because it’s a threat to them themselves i.e. worst case, the man might leave her for the woman, best case, he would likely help that woman and her children out. Historically, neither of those were good for a woman. But, at the same time, it has always historically been wise for women to have a security blanket. It’s believed that this is why so many women have emotional affairs but are nowhere near as forgiving when men do the same.
Though it should be noted that this is very much a theory, and as such should be taken with a pinch of salt mentality i.e. nobody knows for certain. But it would help explain why so many people — especially women — have emotional affairs.
The majority of women’s emotional only affairs are with less desirable partners but for men, they are mostly with more desirable ones
It’s believed that the majority of women’s emotional affairs — at least the ones that don’t turn sexual — occur with people who are in some way less desirable than their present partner. But with men, it is the opposite. The majority of their emotional affairs — at least the ones that don’t turn sexual — are believed to be with people who would be seen as more desirable than their present partner.
It is argued that the reason for this is that from an evolutionary standpoint, historically, if a woman had an emotional affair with a man who was less desirable than her present partner, then there would be a higher probability that should her present partner die, that that man would either leave his current partner for her, or at the least he would help her out.
That means that just like women are only more likely to cheat upwards when it comes to sexual infidelity because men are more likely to cheat down, men are only more likely to cheat up the scales emotionally because women are more likely to come down.
Again though, just like the previous theory, this is to be taken with a pinch of salt mentality as no one knows for certain.
We potentially have sexual affairs because it benefits human survival
As paradoxical and as self-defeating as it may seem, sexual infidelity, just like emotional infidelity, may actually benefit human survival. To explain, the theory goes that monogamy leads men to agree to stop fighting each other over women and to instead begin working together to create safe and stable environments for their wives and children. It does the same with women i.e. it stops them from competing against each other to be the favourites of the strongest men and gets them to start working together.
But there is a cost to monogamy. A big cost. Yes, it creates stability and yes it may seem to create genetic diversity by giving everyone the chance to have children, but at the same time, it hinders genetic diversity of the type we most need, the strongest mixing and matching — a lot. We literally want the strongest men to impregnate the most women possible, and we want the best women to be impregnated always by the strongest men.
So, it is highly beneficial to have the strongest men constantly competing over women for the right to impregnate them all. Monogamy stops this. Infidelity brings it back — but in a manageable way, or so goes the argument.
To explain, if the assumption always is that monogamy is the expected status quo, and everybody expects it and fights for it. We get stability. If at the same time people have sex with others anyway, we get genetic diversity of the kind we most need i.e. through paternity fraud, which most often sees women cheating upwards and men downwards. This leads to the strongest males continuing to pass on their genetics to the most women.
Again, this is just a theory, and it should be taken with a pinch of salt, but the logic of it is scarily sound, and would perhaps help explain why, despite all logic saying monogamy is the smarter option for stability, so many seem completely incapable of it.
That’s all from me, thanks for reading! If you enjoy this post, you may also enjoy the following:
Seven Signs the Person You Are Dating Is Secretly Married
The Three Main Reasons Why So Many Treat Modern Relationships as Expendable Items
15 Fascinating Facts about Relationships That You Probably Didn’t Know
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