Everything You Need To Know About A Narcissist’s Triangulation

It can be used as a manipulative tactic.

As a PhD researcher, I wanted to learn more about the psychology behind narcissistic CEOs and leaders. While I was acquiring knowledge on narcissism, I came across a curious technique called triangulation.

Defining Triangulation

Triangulation, in the context of narcissism, is a cruel type of manipulation. It is used by many toxic, self-centred, and narcissistic individuals to gain personal favours and exert a sense of control. They exert this power by bringing in a third person, employing the infamous divide-and-conquer strategy.

For example, narcissists use this third person to create a negative or toxic environment where drama is spilt outside of the original group and festers into something completely new.

The narcissist might even create scenarios or situations that pressure you to do things that you don't want to do. Rather than communicating with you directly, they fuel more miscommunication and conflict by bringing in a third person.

Why Narcissists Use Triangulation

Narcissists employ triangulation when they are threatened and jealous of others. Narcissists love attention and this new party unintentionally fosters an environment of jealousy, competition, and drama.

Most of the time, the third person is unaware that the narcissist is using them for their manipulative schemes.

Here are some other reasons why narcissists do this:

• to boost their inflated sense of arrogance and superiority
• to increase their ego and self-esteem (at the expense of others)
• to demean and belittle other people (to increase power)
• to undermine their opponents (as if life were a game)

3 Ways to Deal With Triangulation

I’ve laid out some strategies to help reduce the chances of triangulation on your end.

1. Directly and Openly Communicate

If you find yourself a victim of triangulation and the person on the other end is also a narcissist, let them know that you are well aware of their games and tricks.

They will receive the warning that you are not going to be as easily involved in their dirty parlour tricks. While they might continue, they will know that you are not going to be manipulated that easily, reducing their chances of pursuing the matter further.

2. Speak Up Against the Narrative (At Least Once)

Even when you stop, a narcissist might try to exploit your public image by spreading malicious gossip or misinformation. They might do this to reel you back in.

As Dr Jill Blakeway, a Doctor of Acupuncture and Chinese Medicine once suggested:

"When a toxic person can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you. The misinformation will feel unfair, but stay above it, trusting that other people will eventually see the truth just like you did.”

If you find yourself in this kind of situation, maintain your composure and resist the urge to spread rumours back. If you do, you are now triangulating on your end, and the situation is going to get confusing or worse.

Instead, clarify and own up to any mistakes or imperfections.

You can clear out most rumours or gossip by speaking up about it at least once. For example, some famous people do one major speech to get people to better understand their motives and rationale.

3. Establish Healthy Boundaries

You have to set strong and healthy boundaries — and disconnect with the narcissist. The less time you spend with them, the less power they have over you.

Even if the narcissist tries to use triangulation directly or indirectly afterwards, you have some control over the narrative.

Here are some other things to consider:

• Resist the urge to fall for their future triangulating traps (even if they act reformed, as it might be part of the ruse)
• Avoid (or at least minimize) the amount of time that you have to deal with them
• Don’t disclose personal information (this might become ammunition for future gossip or other traps)

Parting Thoughts

Apart from narcissists, triangulation can be used by different kinds of people, including those who are insecure, inexperienced, and/or attention-seeking.

With narcissists especially, it is unwise to engage in these sorts of games, as all you’re doing is feeding their attention and ego. Plus, they would be exploiting and undermining you — and others in the process.

When in doubt, remember that problematic people will try their best to instigate you directly or indirectly. Spending time away from them, and exerting healthy boundaries, you will have control over yourself and your actions.

Thank You For Reading 😊❤

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References

Cikanavicius, D. (2019, October 20). Triangulation: The narcissists' best play. PsychCentral. https://psychcentral.com/blog/psychology-self/2019/10/triangulation-and-narcissism#1

Cuncic, A. (2021, November 9). What is triangulation in psychology? Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-triangulation-in-psychology-5120617

Day, N. J. S., Townsend, M. L., & Grenyer, B. F. S. (2020). Living with pathological narcissism: A qualitative study. Borderline Personality Disorder and Emotion Dysregulation, 7(19), 1–13. doi:10.1186/s40479-020-00132-8

Greenberg, E. (2020, August 29). Have you been the victim of narcissistic triangulation? Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-narcissism/202008/have-you-been-the-victim-narcissistic-triangulation

Lee-Rowland, L. M. (2019). Is parent-initiated triangulation associated with pathological narcissism in youth? [Doctoral dissertation, The University of Southern Mississippi]. Aquila Dissertations. https://aquila.usm.edu/dissertations/1693

Raypole, C. (2021, February 25). Narcissistic triangulation: What it is and how to respond. Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/narcissistic-triangulation

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