Saving Social Media
Elon Musk Makes Employees Pay to Use Washrooms
Twitter CEO Considers Introducing Spanking
It’s been a week since Elon Musk strolled into Twitter as the new CEO. Carrying a kitchen sink in order to conceal his erection, the controversial billionaire immediately set to work transforming the microblogging and social media service into the efficient, sleazy, cesspool of free speech it always had the potential to be.
Musk’s stated goal is for Twitter to become the world’s digital town square, a place where disagreements can be aired out without resorting to violence. If it turns out anything like my town’s town square, we are in for a real treat.
Musk has assured Twitter lovers that his motivation is entirely altruistic.
It’s all about helping humanity. It has nothing whatsoever to do with profits.
So far it’s going great. In the first twelve hours after Musk’s takeover, use of the ‘N word’ on Twitter rose by over 500% (Actual statistic from the Network Contagion Research Institute).
Say what you will about Russian bots coordinating a nefarious plot to bring down the American Empire by sewing seeds of division into the cultural heart of the twenty-first century’s reigning global superpower, but at least they took it easy on the racial slurs.
Musk quickly took aim at office attire, after spotting Pete from accounting in the flamboyant orange and yellow Hawaiian shirt he always wears on the last day of the week.
“What is that?” Musk demanded.
“It’s my Friday shirt,” Pete said.
“There’s no such thing as Fridays!!!” Musk screamed. A memo circulated among Twitter staff later that afternoon stating that every employee would now be required to work 84 hours a week.
Several of Musk’s more contentious policies practiced at his other businesses are reportedly coming to Twitter as well. Musk suggested shortening the name Twitter to Twit in order to save on letterhead, as he famously shortened Space X’s name from Space Æ A-Xii, and Tesla’s name from Teslarealfastplugincarcompany.
He also brandied about the possibility of introducing spanking as a corrective measure for employees.
“My mother spanked me,” Musk said. “And I never smoked marijuana again.”
When asked about his appearance on Joe Rogan in 2018, where Elon famously smoked a joint on camera, Musk explained that the corrective spanking occurred after that incident.
Seeing his new employees strolling in and out of the lavatory, Musk schemed to make the washrooms at Twitter coin operated.
One coin to get in the door, two coins to wash your hands, and instead of toilet paper, employees would be encouraged to bring dollar bills from home to wipe their ass.
You’re welcome, humanity.
In response to Elon’s takeover, Shonda Rhimes, Tea Leoni, Alex Winter, Sara Bareilles, Toni Braxton, and several other celebrities I also have never heard of have threatened to leave Twitter.
These threats were all posted on Twitter.
Enjoyed yourself? Read this Stupid:
Want to torture yourself? Read the first pages of a novel I wrote:
Also, this was a funny Musk read (see what I did there) from Srini:
