Improving Education
Five Reasons Why We Shouldn’t Teach Math
The Worst Subject Since French
I was browsing Quora the other day — because I’m a big fan of adult-onset education — when I came across this query:
“Why don’t we remove mathematics from the school curriculum since it is causing so much anguish for young children?”
Great question. I have been campaigning to remove math from schools for months. How many months? It’s difficult to say. All I can tell you is that it’s been more months than I have fingers and toes.
“But Oscar, isn’t math like, super important?”
No. It isn’t. Nerd.
Math is nothing more than all those corporate elites over at Big Algebra imposing their value system upon the unsuspecting and perpetually ill-prepared youth of our nation. It’s an arcane discipline, best left to robots and half-human/robot hybrids named Elon.
Need more convincing? Here are five reasons why we shouldn’t teach math in school.
1) It Makes Me Feel Stupid
Any subject that has a definite answer is bound to expose what a dumb-dumb I really am. Maybe if math questions were relevant, I could see the benefit of definite answers. But in every math class I would inevitably be asked something like this:
Assuming that Bobby gets on a train in Boston that travels 55 mph, and Angela gets on a bus in New York City that travels 50 mph, and assuming both travel non-stop on the same 216 mile linear route, at what distance from New York City are Bobby and Angela going to pass one another?
You know what you forgot to assume? That I give one flying-fornicate about the relative geographic location of Bobby and Angela. I hope Bobby’s train derails somewhere outside Hartford at the exact moment that Angela’s bus happens by on the highway and both of them are killed in fiery wreck, and next week math class is cancelled because we have to hold a prayer vigil for the victim’s families.
2) It Perpetuates Harmful Stereotypes
Who says seven is a ‘bigger’ number than six? Isn’t it all arbitrary?
Math’s capricious ranking ideology seeps into other subjects. What the hell is that 56% doing on the top of my American Revolutionary War test? This is history class, not numbers class!
Take away math, and you do away with America’s weight problem as well. You’re welcome fatties!
Furthermore, why does my asshole neighbor get to drive around in a luxury sports car just because his bank account balance has more zeroes than mine? I thought zero was a bad number. All of a sudden seven zeroes together on the left side of a period add up to my wife screaming for joy as she drives away forever in the front seat of a Porsche?
3) It Never Comes in Handy in Real Life
Show me someone who uses trigonometry in their day-to-day life and I’ll show you a virgin who wets the bed and winds downs with a jigsaw puzzle every Friday night. The fraction of people that perform algebraic functions — beyond addition, subtraction, multiplication, and that other one — is so small that I can’t possibly express it without consulting a nerd or a textbook.
And as for Mr. Henderson, that monotone chalk sniffer that attempted to teach me trigonometry? Maybe he could calculate the length of a hypotenuse, but he sure as hell couldn’t calculate the social implications of wearing the same moth-infested cardigan five days in a row while neglecting to apply deodorant in a tiny room stuffed with thirty easily distracted teenagers.
5) Understanding Math Makes Writing on Medium Depressing
When I signed on to publish my writing on Medium, I was told I would be sharing my work with millions of readers. I may be a mathematical doofus, but I know that ‘millions’ is a lot. If a lot of people read my writing, fame, fortune, and the ability to shape society with my wit and insight is sure to follow.
If I had a true grasp of math, I might start to look at the $4.50 Canadian I received from the Stripe payment system in September and ask: what gives? Am I wasting my time on this website?
Thank God I don’t know nothing about math.
Enjoyed yourself? Read this Stupid:
Also, this is real fun Sarah Totton:
