SAY WHAT?

Get Your Free Pisla Car in Thirty-Three Simple Steps

We have nothing to do with Tesla

Welcome to the grand opening of Pisla, Inc. Before you ask, our Pisla cars have nothing to do with Tesla — or against Tesla. We have no reason for disliking Elon Musk, who is, let's be honest — no saint. We’re certainly not pissed because of his superfluous success. Pisla is not named to piss off Elon by any means. If you don’t believe a single word of what we’ve said, you can piss off.

For those of you who chose to stay, you look absolutely pumped to be our grateful customer forever. The great news is — if you successfully complete all the easy thirty-three steps, you get our gorgeous Pisla car — for free! SAY WHAT? First come, first served.

1. Kindly submit photocopies of your car driver’s license, private pilot license, boating license, social security number, birth certificate, and bank statements for the past thirty-five years.
2. We don’t condone ageism. So we don’t care how old you are. However, we prefer you to be more than 43 months old.
3. Watch Top Gun Maverick movie — 58 times — sitting next to Tom Cruise.
4. Please do not bring any guns to the theater.
5. Tweet about Elon Musk, explicitly saying he’s an awful guy — every six hours consistently for nineteen days — without getting suspended.
6. Watch all three parts of Cars movies— from any drive-in movie theater — in one sitting.
7. Please do not eat popcorn while watching it. We have nothing against popcorn. We just don’t like people who eat it.
8. Get an autograph from Tom Cruise — 58 times — to prove you were with him on all occasions. We can tell if you fake this.
9. Take 58 selfies with Tom in which the Tom Gun Maverick movie is running in the background — to prove you indeed watched the movie with him. We can’t tell if you fake this.
10. We meant the *Top Gun Maverick movie. Gotcha!
11. Explicitly comment about Elon Musk under any random tweet, listing ninety-one terrible things he has said and done — before and after deciding to buy Twitter.
12. Bring your own car tires of your choice for your new Pisla. For your tireless efforts, we highly recommend four tires.
13. Make Elon Musk STOP tweeting for good — at all costs.
14. Why do you wholeheartedly agree that Pisla is superior to Tesla? Tweet your honest answers to Elon every two hours for twenty-three days.
15. Get Elon suspended on Twitter — for at least seven months.
16. Become the next British Prime Minister — and step down from your position within eighty-two minutes. We aren’t as ruthless as Squid Game hosts because this is easier than you’d think.
17. Get British citizenship before becoming Prime Minister. We don’t want to sugarcoat this because this is harder than becoming their Prime Minister.
18. Drive from Downing street, London to Pisla, Inc., California — in your current car within 23 hours.
19. Now that you’re a former British Prime minister, find a way to deport Elon to England. They truly deserve him.
20. If you can’t deport him on your own, ask Tom Cruise to help you.
21. If he refuses to help you, take him to watch the Cars movie with you. It will make him change his mind.
22. If Tom still doesn’t play ball, buy him popcorn. We recommend Cheddar Cheese Popcorn.
23. Go to App Store for iOS and write 225 terrible reviews for the Tesla app using multiple iPhones.
24. Go to Google Play for Android and write 485 horrible reviews for the Tesla app using multiple Android phones.
25. Find out who is the current wife of Elon and who is he currently dating. Spoiler Alert: It’s harder than you think.
26. If you can’t make Tom change his mind even after buying him Cheddar Cheese Popcorn, get Elon’s wife or date to knock him unconscious. Elon, not Tom.
27. Find out who is the current wife of Tom and who is he currently dating. Spoiler Alert: It’s harder than finding Elon’s partners.
28. Take all the current and previous partners of Elon and Tom and build a team to take your original target — Elon down. Their ladies would love to do this so this will be a walk in the park for you.
29. Take an actual walk in the park of your choice with the kick-ass team you’ve just built. We recommend Grand Canyon National Park in Arizona.
30. Knock Tom unconscious on your own for not playing ball.
31. With your team's assistance, confirm that the original target is dearly departed.
32. We’re kidding. We meant dearly deported.
33. Don’t forget to provide photocopies of your Swiss bank account statements for the past three days.

We’re thrilled to review your application!! You can expect an honest response in two to twenty-nine months.

A special thanks to everyone’s favorite Kristine Laco for her astute editing and sharp suggestions.

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