Eel Tickling, Couch Fucking and Other Wacky New Ways to Stay Fit While Quarantined

Transforming our flabby world

“Eel tickling” and “couch fucking” appeared in a list of purported top writer badges one can earn on Medium. I’ve not ascended to that level, but I don’t doubt that these honors exist.

But, both “eel tickling” and “couch fucking” and several other activities would serve equally well as names for killer workouts.

Credit where credit is due — the germ of this idea came to me via Hogan Torah. He is at once hilarious, absurd, wise and wacky. IMHO, one of the best comedic writers here. Credit also to Alex Cooper who used the phrase “eel tickling” in an 11/11/19 Quora post.

Read on to see what I mean about the workout bits.

Eel Tickling

Just coochy-coochy-coo the dude above and get ready for action. Pure adrenaline baby! Way to get the old heart pumping.

If you’re so lucky as to engage in the tickle-tango with an electric eel you’ll get the additional benefit of tetanic muscle contractions, terrific for toning up. You’ll be ripped, shredded and rock hard (or maybe in rigor mortis) in no time.

Couch Fucking

Not sure if this means doing the horizontal bop while on the couch with someone or actually schtupping or scissoring the sofa cushions themselves. Either way, a great workout!

Give it a try! Combines core, cardio and cumming.

And, no special expensive shoes required. Does it get better than that?

Ape Smacking

We’ve all seen the YouTube videos, giant guys smacking each other in the face, and nearly passing out. To a man, they’re all huge muscly beasts, enviable in their Greek god-like pulcritudinous splendor.

Just imagine the muscle you’ll build playing slap-and-tingle with the guy above.

Then while hospitalized, in traction and undergoing an entirely different sort of workout, you’ll have the opportunity to ponder all these famous workout-related words of wisdom.

Feel the burn. Pain is weakness leaving the body. When the going gets tough the tough get going. Just do it.

Riot Grrrl/Proud Boy Stomp

Charge up the steps, run amok in the halls, smash glass, hoist podiums, do the general beat-down, all while screaming like a monkey with his tail pinched in the door. This workout has it all!

Coming to a city near you.

Oh, and the super-spreader potential of this activity! That’s pure physical fitness gold. Even if you do catch a little cold from your fellow insurrectionists, it’s all good. More exercise for the lungs! Breathe in and chant after me … “Stop the steal.” Now exhale and it’s … “Savor the stupid.” And again.

If this absurdity sparked joy, please sample these treats.