Don’t Mix Feeling Uncomfortable with Not Being Good Enough

Let go of your expectations

Self-awareness seems nice until you plunge deep into it. My dear friend Marta Brzosko was recently talking about its bad side. At one point, your shortcomings seem to pop up from everywhere. And there you are, still needy and screaming for attention. What’s more, you condemn others because they have more flaws than you but don’t care about improving them.

As an antidote, Marta suggested self-compassion. With it, you start to see all your defects as neutral information, not a sign there’s something wrong with you.

Her post made me remember how unhappy I used to be with myself. The more I read about psychology and observed others, the more I thought I wasn’t good enough.

And then I remembered why I had started the whole process in the first place. Life was overwhelming. Everybody was having a better time than me. I wanted to be both strong and breezy. Basically, I just wanted to be happy.

We Often Mix Up Self-Improvement with Our Wish to Avoid Negative Emotions

I used to think others were calmer and more successful than me. As I was running around in panic, they’d often tell me: “Why do you make such a big fuss? Relax.”

I thought I was being too sensitive. Their struggles were greater than mine and they still came out of them alive. My friend’s fiance killed himself and she went on with her life. Me? I would have lost my mind! Yes, I was definitely a snowflake. Where was my grit?! If I just persevered through the hardship, I would be stronger and more fulfilled.

Or so I thought.

We often mix up our goal to improve ourselves with our wish to stay away from negative emotions. Unpleasant feelings are hard. We think we’ll be happier without anger, sadness, or envy. And so we end up molding our nature so we could reach an ideal mood.

But you can’t change your temperament or the fact you’re sometimes jealous or scared. These feelings don’t determine your worth. In fact, you need them as a human being. Negative emotions give you direction and show you what matters. Because you believe you shouldn’t feel bad at all, you can’t live your life spontaneously. Instead of changing yourself, better change your incorrect views first.

“Why am I so jealous of other people?” could very well mean you are insecure. But should you always be?

“I feel angry all the time” can turn into: “I’m mad when people violate my boundaries. I should tell them when they do so.”

“I am so scared of everything” could become: “Let’s see what I’m least afraid of and start facing it.”

“Why am I always so sad?” can turn into: “Things have been hard for me lately and I need some time to process it all.”

These new thoughts can make your life easier, but not easy.

We Start with Self-improvement Because We Think Life Doesn’t Have to Hurt

But it does.

Wanting my life to be comfortable, I began changing myself. Other people seemed happier than me.

But each of us has a different capacity. You see others do what you can’t as if they were brushing their teeth. And you want to do the same. But you don’t see their previous effort. And so you strive to be good ASAP at the expense of your mental health.

I used to do that. I read and changed. I became more productive and earned more. I dressed up, traveled, and bought stuff. And I was wretched every time I went back to my office, the place of high pressure and bad relationships. For me, this was a sign I still wasn’t good enough, so I kept on implementing new self-hacks.

I looked for a blueprint to guide me through life. My academic stress, the workplace atmosphere, complicated relationships were all too much. I always had a Plan B in case everything failed. I knew how to charm people but their discomfort affected my mood. I saw my big feelings as a sign I still needed to change. There was still someone who was doing better than me.

It took me a lot of time to realize that life is uncomfortable no matter what. Sometimes you just can’t be prepared for it all. It will sting. And maybe you aren’t spoiled after all.

Maybe You’re Just Sensitive and Don’t Know Your Limits

When I had children, I realized how predefined we are. I was raising two kids with the same parenting methods but the effect was different. I’d tell a girl something once and she would listen. The boy didn’t hear “No” unless I said it five times. Their reactions, habits, and fears were diverse from day one. I could do a lot to bring them up in the same way but with a different amount of effort. And above all, I couldn’t change their temperament.

As I got to learn more about their imperfections, I saw the pieces of me in those little people. They were adorable with their faults. Why couldn’t I accept mine? And so I started to care less about how fallible I was.

You are who you are. Don’t judge yourself for it. You don’t have to jump into the water to learn how to swim. You can also get in step by step. And when you can’t do something, don’t see it as your weakness.

Some people know how to lead a pack. Others help those who are hurting. Both roles are equally valuable for mankind. Don’t get mad at yourself for not being a leader. Respect your limits. And if they constrain you too much, change them little by little.

You can’t annihilate the sensitivity you are born with. But it can become your strength because you feel others better and can make deep connections.

You Are Good Enough

As I saw my toddlers growing, I knew that my Self was all right. I felt more comfortable in my skin, just like those flawed people whom I condemned for their shortcomings. It looks paradoxical but after all that journey, I got to be more like those I detested. Faulty and fine with it.

Too much self-awareness doesn’t let you live your life spontaneously. You constantly monitor what you do but don’t engage in it completely. As you give up on your God-like self-image and accept that you are also an animal, you feel better about yourself. Nobody cares about how great you are except you. And you feel better when you stop giving a damn so much.

People often start self-improving because they feel uncomfortable about their emotions. Unfortunately, life sometimes has to hurt. But after it, you realize that most things are not such a big deal.

Without self-acceptance, self-awareness is nothing. There’s nothing wrong with who you are. With experience, you realize what you can and can’t get. And you gradually let go of your unrealistic expectations. When you change your beliefs, you’ll see you are a fine human being. Not too good but nicely average. Don’t mix feeling uncomfortable with not being good enough.

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