Don’t Go It Alone, Use Your Web of Support

Win the Day — Chapter 14

This chapter comes from the third section, Your Environment, of Win the Day — How to Win Your Daily Battles With Stress, Anxiety and Depression. Your environment is the support system that you utilize in order to be your best regardless of if your best is just making it to work or closing a seven figure deal. None of us finds success on our own. We learn from and lean on others to help us through.

In this chapter, you will discover some of the types of people that will support you on your road to success, no matter how you define it.

There are so many important things going on in our lives that we really need to share them in order to understand their purpose. Whether those things are good or bad, it helps to talk about them with the propellers in your life. Who in your inner circle gives you their undivided attention, even if it’s only for a few minutes? The dreams and difficulties you hold inside for fear that no one else could possibly understand you need to be shown the light of day. Use a trustworthy friend to test the waters of these situations, knowing that they will not pass judgement. When you talk about your joys and concerns you make them tangible, and getting them out in the open will give you a fresh perspective, allowing you to inspect and evaluate these issues in clear and vivid detail.

You just call out my name and you know wherever I am, I will be there. Yes, I will. You’ve got a friend.

Carol King

You may be thinking that you can’t share your deepest thoughts with just anybody, and you’re right. It is frightening to let those deep secrets out in the daylight. But there is no better way to face the issues that plague you and find viable solutions, than to talk about them. Find a propeller and explain how you want them to listen. For example, if you want them to be a listening post, you might say, “I’m so frustrated that I need to tell you what happened this morning.” Or if you need advice, you might start the conversation with, “I am having a problem communicating with my daughter and need your advice.” Start the conversation with your expectations for the discussion. That gives the other person context for how to listen, and your expectations of their input. Be direct, and tell your friend exactly what you want them to do. Real friends will respect whatever boundaries you set.

In order to find someone that you can share your deepest thoughts with, you may be expected to hear what is burning inside them, too. Welcome the opportunity to build a bond and improve your communication skills. In actively listening to their issues, you may gain deeper insight into your own situation as well. Understand that if your confidant is a good listening partner but doesn’t want to share their issues and challenges, you should also find someone else to help and pay forward their support. This allows their kindness to create a ripple.

Trouble shared is trouble halved.

Dorothy L. Sayers

The best feedback is direct and actionable. If you ask for it, be ready to receive their comments. Good feedback tells you something you can do right now to move forward. Often actionable feedback is direct and harsh. You may wince because it is something you don’t want to hear, or have been avoiding, but take your medicine all at one time. You asked for the advice and you trust the person you are talking with. Keep in mind that it is through compassion and good intentions that they are providing you advice. Don’t take them, or their time, for granted. Action your friend’s advice to show that you really respect their input. This goes a long way towards strengthening the relationship,

If you are unsure of how to take their advice onboard, ask more questions to understand the motivation and perspective they used to devise their solution. You may not agree, but consider the difference in perspective and how you could apply the advice. If you are not sold on their suggestions, create an alternative option that moves you forward. It is vital that you take some action as a result of these conversations, otherwise it’s just a pity party. Those don’t serve anyone’s interest.

5 Places you can turn to with your problems and concerns

Friends

Friends can be a great resource for talking through personal growth and persisting dilemmas. Real friends care about you and your progress. You have a shared history that may provide a basis for deep understanding of your situation. Friends may be inclined to present ideas in a manner similar to the way you do because of the commonalities. For these reasons, they are a good resource for talking through your issues.

However, friends may not always listen deeply or they may be dealing with their own overwhelming problems. They may still perceive of you as the kid from their childhood, or their drinking buddy whom they shared their woes with on Friday nights a few years ago. They may not see the version of you that exists today. That can be frustrating when trying to clear your current hurdle or getting a fresh perspective on next steps to improving your life.

Trouble is part of your life — if you don’t share it, you don’t give the person who loves you a chance to love you enough.

Dinah Shore

Mental Health Professionals

Psychiatrists, psychologists and counselors are all trained in the understanding of the human mind and how we handle crises, These people can help you cope with issues now based on conquering roadblocks from your past. They may show you new techniques for overcoming recurring problems or guide you through battles against your challenges, one step at a time.

Coaches and Mentors

Professional-minded coaches and mentors differ from counselors and mental health experts in a fundamental way:Coaches and mentors are concerned with your future progress, not your past.

As a professional coach and mentor, for example, my concern is where you are going, not where you have been. To me, you’re the total sum of all your previous experiences, and you will carry that baggage with you wherever you go. This outlook is very different from what you will get when speaking with mental health professionals who often apply familiar labels to your situation in order to identify your predicament, or friends who may see things through their personal point of view.

Coaches and mentors are more mindful of your development. They will work with you on where you are going and don’t pay much attention to where you’ve been. That is the realm of mental health professionals. Since their relationship with you is professional rather than personal, they are motivated to see you succeed. Unlike talking to friends, a coach’s sole objective is your progress with no hidden agendas.

Mentors have often been through similar situations as your own. They acquire wisdom and share it through hindsight. This knowledge can help you avoid pitfalls and speed up your development, because you can learn from their mistakes. Working with a mentor can be a bridge that gets you past an obstacle, or the relationship can be an ongoing one that guides you through your valleys, and walks with you over the peaks too.

A coach, on the other hand, will help you improve specific abilities. You may seek a coach for public speaking and presentations, to manage conflict, or improve your relationships. Their advice will be more specific and directed towards solving the crisis of the moment. That is not to say they will not help you through other situations down the road. Some coaches will, while others are more specialized in particular issues.

Groups

Counseling, masterminds and other self-help groups are focused on bringing people who are experiencing similar issues together. They are good places to discuss your concerns with like-minded people. Because they have walked, or are walking a similar path, these folks will be more empathetic to you and the resources at your disposal, as you manage this phase of life. In these groups you can fast track your progress because there will be people who have been where you are and can understand what you are going through. Some of them will have cleared those dilemmas. Others will be facing them just as you are.

These groups are often anonymous or confidential, so you can share your deepest thoughts without concern for who may find out about what you said later. Groups like AA are beneficial for keeping you moving down the path and handling struggles that can last a lifetime. While others, like masterminds, will help you to climb to the next peak. If working with a group sounds appealing to you, try it out and see if it is a good fit. If the first one is not, try another one. Good groups are about chemistry and they will all be a little different, even if the programs are the same.

Virtual Mentors

Virtual mentors are people you learn from via books, websites, podcasts, etc. Some people like reading biographies and finding insight from the lives of others. Listening to talks and reading books from motivational people like Randy Gage, Zig Ziglar or Dr. Wayne Dyer may also help you tap into their experiences to find answers on your journey.

What would Nelson Mandela do?

Virtual mentors have made hundreds if not thousands of hours of content available that you can utilize to develop yourself and find solutions to the dilemmas you face. While not communicating directly with these thought leaders, you are gaining a wider base of understanding to apply in moving towards where you want to go. Digital mentors help you know that you are not alone and that others have walked a similar path to your own. Some of these mentors have communities or opportunities to share ideas through social media. Take advantage of those to connect to others.

If you choose to employ this do-it-yourself approach, you may want to write about your dilemmas and what you’re learning through their insights to give voice and consideration to how those influential people would respond in your situation. Many a good solution has started with the words, “What would Nelson Mandela do?”

Tying It All Together

You need not carry life’s burdens alone. There are people you can engage with that will provide you a fresh perspective on the predicaments you are facing. Consider what kind of help you need; an ear, advice, a new strategies or a model. Then seek out a friend, mental health professional, coach, group or even a virtual mentor. The clarity you find will have you wondering why you didn’t do this before.

Here Are Some Exercises To Help You Get Support:

· What are 3 things you want to accomplish in the next 6 months?

· Who can help you to achieve those things?

· How could they help you?

· After you meet — What advice did they give you?

· How can you action that?

· When will you begin to action that advice?

· Make a list of your support circle and what each helps or can help you with.

Click here to follow the progress of my book from a series of Medium Stories to a published book on mental health.