Developing Self-Love

Win the Day — Chapter 2

This chapter comes from the first section, You, of Win the Day — How to Win Your Daily Battles With Stress, Anxiety and Depression. You is all about having a good relationship with yourself. Enjoying your own company and building a belief that you are worthy of success.

In this chapter we talk about the greatest love of all, loving yourself.

You can’t give what you don’t have

Mainstream media has created images of life that are difficult, if not impossible, for us to compete with: slim and muscular bodies, rich and carefree lifestyles, and ultra-compassionate characters who never get angry. This leaves most of us feeling inadequate. Adding to on those feelings of inadequacy are experiences like losing a job, ending a relationship, or struggling to gain a new talent. All these experiences can lead to feelings of disillusionment. To combat that negative self talk, you need to believe there is something special in you and about you. Have faith in yourself and learn to love the person inside.

To love yourself is to accept who you are, despite your flaws and inadequacies. Loving yourself means you enjoy spending time alone, and that you are your own biggest fan regardless of the circumstances. Over a lifetime you will spend many more years with yourself than any friend, partner or family member. You know all the secrets, all the sacrifices and all the dashed dreams. You know the hard work that went into your accomplishments and the lesson learned from your failures. Love and be happy with the person you see in the mirror. Love yourself and your world will blossom.

Relying on others for your feeling of self-worth is dangerous, because not all the people around you have your best interest at heart. In actuality, many have their own agendas. These plans are independent of and sometimes in direct conflict with yours. Seeking praise from those with nefarious plans for you will only get you short-lived satisfaction as you work to help them achieve their schemes. However, appreciating yourself and your accomplishments and getting around people who genuinely appreciate you will feed your self-confidence, and help you to distance yourself from victim’s mentality.

Learn to accept the person you are, with all your faults and frailties. Finding peace with yourself allows you to be an authentic contributor to your own life and establishes a sense of accountability to yourself. If there is something you don’t like, change it. If you are unsatisfied with the quality of your efforts, experiment with ways that can help you perform better. Having a deep sense of love and appreciation for yourself allows you to know what you’re capable of and increases your level of personal commitment. Only you know you how far you can push yourself, and it’s probably further than you think. Reaching further and finding success leads to an enhanced sense of pride. When you have the confidence that comes with being content with yourself, you see others for the valuable people they are as well.

A vital ingredient to a deeper sense of self love is self-esteem. When you feel good in your own skin, you can readily accept the world around you. Self-esteem doesn’t mean you need to feel that you are superior to others. It’s more about being comfortable with who you are. This comfort allows you to authentically engage in your environment. Start with eye-to-eye affirmations in the mirror. Tell yourself, “I love you” and “I’m glad to be me.” These proclamations will help you feel a deep sense of self-worth. Soon you will come to accept that you cannot trade your situation for someone else’s. Eventually, you will not want to trade your circumstances for another’s. Over time, you will enjoy being who you are and embracing the opportunities in front of you. Get busy fighting your good fight, you deserve it.

I think the most important thing in life is self-love, because if you don’t have self-love, and respect for everything about your own body, your own soul, your own capsule, then how can you have an authentic relationship with anyone else?

Shailene Woodley

It is said that you cannot give what you don’t have. And so, to give honest, deep and sincere love to others, you need to start by giving and receiving it from yourself. That starts with self-respect, then developing trust, and finally bringing a sense of joy to being who you are. Developing self-love will create harmony within you. If your environment is healthy with this good feeling will be magnified by your surroundings. Conversely, if your environment seems to be filled with conflict and negativity, this may be a sign that you need more enriching surroundings.

When you love yourself, you will enjoy your life more, be more supportive, cooperative, and interested in others. You will want yourself and others to flourish for their own benefit, with no hidden agendas. As you develop feelings of love and respect for yourself, start holding yourself more accountable. Expect to give your best effort every time, win or lose. Love is not always soft. Often taking on a challenge leads you to a better version of who you are. Through these trials you learn to be true to yourself, your beliefs and your principles.

To gain a deeper understanding of your likes and dislikes, your preferences and your distinct tastes, make a list of places, activities and things you love and abhor and why. Expressing these reasons for these strong dispositions will allow you to specify the experiences you want in your life and ways to manifest those regularly. As you realize these partialities, you can actively seek out the positive and enjoying ones, leading to an increasingly authentic and fulfilling experiences that help you to thrive.

Putting yourself first is an act of self-love

We have been told since we were kids that putting yourself first is selfish. That this approach to life will put off those around us. That couldn’t be further from the truth. If you are going to give your best, you need to understand how to achieve your best. What environment do you need? What tools? Focusing on your needs will help you serve others as well. Just as it is important to create an environment that includes more of the things you have an affinity for. To achieve your best, you need to create the environment that supports you in doing so. It’s not selfish at all, it’s being responsible to yourself and those your actions serve.

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, it’s at the end of your arm, as you get older, remember you have another hand: The first is to help yourself, the second is to help others.

Audrey Hepburn

Self-love vs. Narcissism

Those who consider putting themselves first a selfish act may be confusing self-love with narcissism. Self-love focuses on benevolence, creating harmony with your environment, and high levels of self-esteem. Someone who has self-love accepts themselves and others as they are. Possessing self-love allows you to be honest with yourself and those around you. If you have self-love, you are able to embrace all that you are and willing to share that version of yourself with the world.

A narcissist, conversely, thinks the world revolves around them. Everything and everyone is here to support the narcissists. They are self-centered and possess an exaggerated sense of self-importance. Narcissist are manipulative and secretive. Narcissist don’t feel love in a deep and fulfilling way because they are too focused on how to get what they want from others and making themselves look good.

Developing love for yourself allows you to share it with others. But before you can give it, you need to possess love.

Self-love has very little to do with how you feel about your outer self. It’s about accepting all of yourself.

Tyra Banks

Tying It All Together

Developing self-love is challenging. It requires you to accept yourself completely with all your scars and imperfections. Start to develop love for yourself through positive affirmations and accepting your faults and liabilities. None of us is perfect, come to embrace that imperfection in yourself. Remember that others’ opinions are judgements formed in their own minds, so filter those before taking them on-board. Give yourself some time to understand the real you, your likes, dislikes, strengths and weaknesses. Then you can create an environment that allows you to develop into the best version of yourself.

Here are some exercises that will help you to increase your self-love:

• I love you affirmation — Look yourself eye-to-eye in the mirror and say “I love you.” And “I’m glad to be me.”
• Make a what I like about me list
• Consider what the circumstances and surroundings that allow you to do your best work are. Then create an environment that supports that.
• Explain your answers to the following questions in as much detail as possible:
• What is your favorite food? Why?
• Who is your favorite artist? Why
• Do you prefer coffee, tea or another beverage? Why?
• What is a place near you that you love to visit? Why?

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