Does your partner care about you?
Does your partner actually care about you? Pay attention to these important behaviors.
by: E.B. Johnson
The intimate relationships that we build can be of great benefit to our lives, but they can also become a great struggle. We have to invest in the right people to find the right partnership, and that’s not something that we always get right. These should be people who care about us and want the best for us, rather than those who want to take from us or tear us down. Is that the partner you’re building your life with? Do they really care about you, or is the love lacking?
Love is a matter of action.
We each view love differently, and we each want different things from the relationships we foster. Keeping all of that in mind, though, there are a few core features to true love that carry across all forms. When someone genuinely cares for us, they show us. A partner who cares isn’t someone who tells us that they care. They are someone who demonstrates their love through action and continual displays of commitment to the life you’re building.
A partner who cares for us doesn’t just say it… they show it.
Do you feel as though you are a priority in your relationship? Are you an equal? Are you as important to your partner as they are to you? When our partners don’t care for us as they should, their behavior reveals the truth. It’s up to us to honestly accept this behavior, though, as well as how it makes us feel. Are you willing to settle for an absentee partner who doesn’t return the love and commitment you’ve invested in? You’ve got to sit down, figure out what you want, and accept reality for what it is. Then you can think about moving on and reconnecting with who you are.
Signs they don’t care about you.
Does your partner really care about you? Can you rely on them or depend on them to show up when times get tough? When someone truly loves us, they don’t just tell us. They show it by being present and demonstrating their affection through reliable action.
Ignoring your needs
Does your partner listen to your needs and do their best to meet them? While our partners certainly can’t (and shouldn’t) meet all of our needs, they should certainly be aware of them and respectful of them — at the least (Collins, 2010). A partner who ignores what you want or require out of your relationship is not one who really cares about you. Loving our partners means honoring what’s important to them.
Leaving you out
Building a life with someone requires that we merge our worlds in a number of ways. While some of these elements become completely merged, others only brush against one another. This can generally include our social circles. While we may not be incorporated into every element of our loved one’s friend groups, we should certainly be familiar to them. Does your partner keep you separate from their social lives and leave you out entirely? That’s not a great sign of deep care.
Showing up for you
When things go wrong, is your partner the first person to show up for you? Are they present for you when you need them? When you need help, are they there before you ask them to show up — or is there always a lot of groveling and humiliation required before you get the help you need? Caring partners and spouses are those who show up. They can’t stand to see us struggle. They get involved and lend a helping hand with a show of support and affection.
Displaying no interest
To fall in love with someone is to want to get to know them. When a relationship is new, we get excited about learning more about our partner and where they came from in this life. Does your partner show this interest in you? If they don’t ask questions or show any effort to get to know you, it may be time to question the affection they have for you. Are they obsessed with themselves? Do they show no natural interest in the quality of your life? There could be major cracks beginning to show on the surface.
Zero future plans
Building a life with someone is exciting, and that excitement carries through the various stages of our partnerships. When we love someone, it becomes fun to imagine the future and everything the two of you can do with it. Does your partner demonstrate this same level of excitement for your future together? Do you talk? Do you make plans? Do you talk about what it’s going to be like when you reach your mutual goals? If they don’t talk about the future with you, then they probably aren’t interested in making plans.
Using you up
A caring spouse or partner wants the best for you, and they know that good relationship requires 50/50 effort. That can’t be said of the uncaring partner. In general, they care only for their needs, so they see their partners more as commodities than as equals. Does your loved one only want you around when you have something to offer? Do you only feel loved by them when you have something material or sexual to offer? It may be time to question the reality of your relationship.
Leaving you no room
How much room does your partner leave for you in your relationship? Do they take time to ask you questions or find out about your day? Do they let you take up space in your own home, or express yourself in whatever way is needed? When we love someone, we make room for them to express themselves and be who they are. To care for someone is to want them to be happy authentically.
What you need to do next.
You deserve to be with someone who genuinely cares about you and your needs. So how do you get there? First, you have to accept the reality that you’re in, then focus on the reality that you want. Carve some space out for yourself. Can this person you’ve invested in change? Or is it time to find someone who really cares about you and your wellbeing?
1. Get real with yourself
Realizing that your partner doesn’t care is hard, and it is hurtful. We put a lot of time and energy into our relationships, and when we realize they’re not working out, we can become overwhelmed with negative emotion. It’s important that we don’t act on this emotion. Not yet. Instead, we have to take an important first step into honesty. You need to get real with yourself about what’s going on and how it’s affecting you.
Be honest about what’s going on and how it’s actually making you feel. For you to get anywhere in your relationship search, you’re going to have to accept reality as it is. Is your relationship really the fairy tale you paint it out to be? Or are there deep issues and insecurities lurking beneath the surface?
Take off your rose-tinted glasses and see your partner for who they really are. Look at their behavior and look at the toll it’s taking on you. Are you spending more of your time with them hurt, instead of happy? Do you feel heard by them? Do you feel valued? Do you feel seen? We should feel as though we are an equal part of a well-oiled machine when it comes to a stable relationship. Is your partnership a 50/50 effort? Or is one person putting in more love than the other?
2. Figure out what you want
Seeing your relationship clearly for the first time is hard, but it’s powerful too. Until you fess up to what’s really going on, you can’t create a clear picture of what you want. Now is the moment to look to the future and get radically creative (and honest). Is this the person you want to spend the rest of your life begging to change? Or is there something better out there that you desire?
Question the core of what you want from an intimate relationship and an intimate partner. How do you want them to treat you? How do you want them to feel about you? How do you want them to include you in their life?
Until you know what you want, you can’t explain what you’re not getting to your partner. Knowing where they’re hurting you or dismissing you is not the same as knowing what you actually want them to do. It’s easy to point out mistakes, but it’s harder to pinpoint solutions. That’s because solutions require honestly fessing up to what we want and what we need from the people we’re investing in for the long-term.
3. Be honest with your partner
After getting a handle on what’s going wrong and how you want it to change, you need to sit your partner down and explain how you’re feeling. This conversation does two things. Firstly, it clears the air and lets your partner know what’s going on in your mind. Secondly, it gives them an opportunity to course correct in the event that there is still some genuine care left for your relationship in their hearts.
Sit down and have the hard talk you’ve been dreading. Embrace the discomfort and approach the entire process like ripping off a bandaid. Be compassionate, but be frank. Tell them how you’re feeling and tell them how their dismissal and lack of presence are making you feel.
In order for this conversation to be its most effective, pick your time wisely. Try to select a window in which you’re both happier, or more at ease, and pick an environment in which you’re both comfortable. Explain your side, but leave room for your partner to explain theirs as well. Also make it clear, however, that you will get the relationship that you want — whether it includes them or not. They can either become the partner you need, or you can bring things to an end so that you can find the partners that you each want.
4. Take steps for independence
Whether you make the decision to stay or go, you need to break out of your partnership and find some independence. If you’ve realized that your partner isn’t meeting your needs, you need to take action to meet them yourself. To do this, you have to break the routine and get back in touch with who you are and what you love in this life. You have to take steps for independence and do it with confidence.
Before taking any dramatic action, ease into your own personal space. Dip your toes back into the pool of possibility before you burn your bridges and cut ties entirely. Use this space and time to fulfill your own needs. Leave your partner or spouse out of the equation for a little while.
This is a time to kick-start the process of re-discovering who you are. Connect with the friends and family you’ve lost tough with. Re-engage with your passions, hobbies, or pastimes. Experiencing life will allow you to better pinpoint what you want. It will open your eyes to the possibility that’s still out there and help to increase that self-esteem that’s been eaten away by your ability to settle for someone who doesn’t care about you.
5. Lean into self-worth
No matter what happens next in your life (or your relationship) you need to lean into your self-worth. This foundation of self-esteem will prevent you from falling back into the trap of settling for people who don’t truly care for you. It will also allow you to protect yourself and your emotional wellbeing as you deal with your partner and the lack of respect and care they show for you.
Deep dive into that sense of self-worth that’s been lacking. You’ve settled because you’ve allowed your self-esteem to take a backseat in your relationship. Instead of putting someone else (or the expectations of the world) first — put yourself first.
You deserve to be happy. You deserve to have a partner that honors you, and you deserve to be secure and loved in the relationships that you choose to invest in. There’s no task you have to accomplish, and no “body count” needed. You deserve these things simply because you want them. Lean into that knowledge and accept that you are better than settling. The fairy tale is out there waiting for you, but you have to know you deserve it first.
Putting it all together…
In order to build relationships that last, we have to choose partner who really care about us. Someone who dismisses our needs or cuts us out of their life is not someone who is planning a future with us. Instead of wasting all of our time and energy compensating, we have to be honest about where we’re at and what we want from the partnerships we put our energy into.
Get real with yourself and be honest about the declining state of your relationship. A partner who doesn’t care for you is not someone you can rely on. Accept where you’re at and then use that to create a clearer picture of what you want. What does your ideal relationship look like? You deserve to be valued, honored, and loved by the person you invest in. Sit your partner down and explain how you’re feeling. Tell them what you want and what you need. If they can change their behavior to offer that — great. If they can’t, start taking steps for independence and create a self-defined space. Lean into your self-worth. This life is short, and it’s not worth settling. Get the relationship that you want and know that you deserve to have it.
- Collins, N. L., Ford, M. B., Guichard, A. C., Kane, H. S., & Feeney, B. C. (2010). Responding to need in intimate relationships: Social support and caregiving processes in couples. In M. Mikulincer & P. R. Shaver (Eds.), Prosocial motives, emotions, and behavior: The better angels of our nature (p. 367–389). American Psychological Association. https://doi.org/10.1037/12061-019