Does Walking Away to Get Him to Commit Ever works?

Often times they do come back, but not for the right reasons.

Perhaps you have heard about this “walking away strategy”, and it goes something like this: if you want to get a man to commit to you then you have to be willing to walk away. Seemingly men become more attracted to you when you aren't around, so apparently, they always come back.

To some extent, men coming back does happen, however, I will get to that later.

Why did I walk away in the past?

In a nutshell, a year ago I was in a casual relationship, and after three months of dating I caught feelings, I wanted more, I wanted a committed relationship.

It was very clear he didn’t feel the same way, he wanted to stay casual so after a few weeks of contemplating the situation, I decided to end things.

I’ve heard and read some stories on the internet that affirmed that walking away did change how men treated the women they were seeing, that it did shift the relationship for the better the second time around. I am aware now those stories were the exception to the rule.

Because that hasn't ever been the case for me, or for many of my friends and this is why:

This week, I listened to an episode from the U Up? podcast, hosted by Jordana Abraham and Jared Freid, they were commenting on this topic.

Yes, leaving someone after investing months or years in that relationship is pretty damn hard. In the beginning, you don’t really want to let go, and you expect that if you do walk away then things will get better, that he will commit.

In Jordana’s view, nine times out of ten men do return nevertheless it's the same casual arrangement.

“A lot of times I have been in these 3 or 4 months things, and a few months later you do hear from them, but it's not because they have rethought everything and actually want a real relationship, I was wrong to assume otherwise”, Jordana explains.

They don’t resurface changed. I think it's very very rare that someone comes back and truly changes who they are or the dynamic of the relationship they want with you, she adds.

Going back to an old fling is really easy, for men or women. It's a low-risk thing, you already know the person, you have had intimacy with them, you know the drill.

Jared says, he reappears because he is lonely; because he doesn't have other options; because it's actually a low-risk move for him. If you say no if you reject him, it's really not devastating. He is not asking you to go out on a first date, he is not asking you for a second chance. Many people mistakenly take the act of “coming back” as a huge sign and it's really not great news.

Also, be mindful of how they return: Do they show up at your doorstep? Do you get a phone call? Do they explicitly say — Hey I made a mistake, I didn’t know what I want but I know now it's you and I want a second chance to be with you, please?

Coming back nowadays is easier, they simply reply to your story, or react to one of your posts with an emoji; a fire emoji, for instance, it’s ridiculous.

“I understand it feels good for the ego, getting that text feels good. When he says: hey I am checking in with you, I was wondering if you wanted to hang out, if you feel like having a drink with me. It's very easy to let your mind wander and assume that he is changed, that he wants to make things better this time”, says Jordana.

If you were fixated on a guy, who turns out wasn't on the same page, and you walked away but shortly after he returns and you guys start going out on dates and sleeping together again and things don’t progress within little time you will find yourself frustrated because once more they get to have the benefits of being with you without committing, and you are kind of stuck there, you have to start from square one and break up again, once more work on getting over this person and it’s really painful and not fair, Jordana comments.

I've done this with the same person for several years, it’s bad, you get your hopes up, you have to grieve that relationship again, she adds.

Jared explains, the guy in question is confused too, the guy who comes back is generally confused, he doesn't know what he wants and he is looking to have someone who is there with him while he still doesn't know what he wants.

“Most guys are not coming back with the intention of making it official this time.”

Jordana concludes they simply return because they get to not feel lonely for a few weeks, they get to hook up a couple of times more, and then they show you again they don’t truly want to be with you…

I personally relate greatly to everything they said, what they described is what genuinely happened to me.

In case you are curious about my outcome in this situation, this is what followed:

Two weeks after I left that Mr. emotionally unavailable boy, he literally texted me: so?

I remember I liked him so much I really got my hopes up, I thought to myself: — Okay he is actually back! We are going to talk about ourselves and it's going to be better this time.

We started going out again but it was more of the same. He was still emotionally unavailable, he couldn't be vulnerable, he couldn't be the type of partner I wanted and I waited.

Once more, I waited for our relationship to improve. Waiting around for someone to be “ready” is really painful. Day after day you wonder if you should walk away or wait a little bit more. You are tormented by doubts.

He never choose me, he never asked me to be with him. After being on and off for months I finally left.

This might sound silly but I’ve learned that if someone says they want casual and you want a real partnership then you shouldn’t continue engaging with that individual because the odds of that working out are extremely low.

To conclude

The “walking away strategy” does work the majority of the time, plenty of men return, the lazy or confused ones. The ones that ran out of options at that time.

They don’t come back changed though, they don’t come back ready to commit, or ready to date seriously.

If you are contemplating breaking off a casual arrangement, do it with the right mindset, don’t do it for the wrong reasons.

Be honest with yourself, figure out what you need, and ask for it. Some folks simply aren’t the right match for us and it took me a while to understand that.

To walk away from someone you care about who cannot meet your needs is one of the bravest acts you can do. — Jillian Turecki