Adoption Humor

Do You Want to Adopt a Medium Writer?

Just call me Daddy.

Do you have a gaping hole…

…in your life?

Well now is your chance to change the life of a writer forever.

Medium is like a big dump, and the writers are the flies attracted to said dump. But in order to keep visiting the poop, they need support!

Did you know?

• 11 out of 10 un-adopted Medium writers are bad at maths?
• A Medium writer without a mother or father struggles to write a good listicle?
• Many authors are left homeless and are required to give out sexual favours to Doctor Funny editors just to get by?

But with your support, YOU can change the life of an author before it’s too late!

Benefits of adopting a medium writer:

1. Learn how to annoy them when you edit their work.

2. Feel a sense of purpose that has been missing from your miserable life.

3. Save that marriage which your wife described as a “death sentence”. Ouch!

4. Watch your kid grow up into an angry, self-loathing creative just like yourself.

5. Take credit for articles they wrote. If they complain, send them to their room.

Awesome Adoption

Don’t believe you can change a writer’s life?

Let’s have a look at some success stories to prove otherwise!

Medium adoption success stories:

1. Kristine Laco — Kristine adopted a young writer from the ghetto called Jeff. Despite Kristine’s anger issues, she raised Jeff into the most popular Medium writer there has been in the last 10 minutes.

2. Ginger Cook — Ginger was a problem child and ran with a gang of street urchins until she was arrested for impersonating a chimney sweep. Her life was changed when Madonna adopted her and taught her how to “Vogue”.

Ginger now has a family of 65 children by 68 different fathers and resides in Uganda.

3. Jennifer McDougall — Jennifer was considered a crazy cat lady until her heart melted when she saw little Michael Burg, MD (Satire Sommelier) break dancing on the streets of Budapest.

Jennifer is now a successful sea captain and Michael has written over 3 articles.

4. David Perlmutter — David was lost in a house full of mirrors until he was found by a pack of highlighters. They taught him how to use his colourful skills to fight crime.

David is Medium’s 5th most decorated writer with the name David.

Feeling inspired?

Adopt now before some other lucky sod grabs your child!

To adopt a Medium writer you must qualify for the program. Please check the list below before applying:

• Not a murderer
• If you have killed before, how long has it been since you last murdered?
• Have you been featured in a Netflix murder documentary?
• If you haven’t murdered — but would like to — do you think you could get away with it?

If you qualify, then get those applications in asap!

Details below:

Phone: 12345 678910

Email: [email protected]

Fax: It broke in the 90s.

Thank you!

A lot of writers would be lost to the thug life of drugs and interpretive dance if it wasn’t for you lovely people.

Make a difference in 2023. Help a writer who earns 47 cents from writing lovely articles like — “10 Ways to Breath Oxygen”.

Thank you for reading, and remember…

A Medium writer is for life! Not just for a few months to participate in sumo-wrestling battles with you.

Have you had a bit of my arse and now you want more?

Read on shawty!