Do You Invest In Their Change or Leave?
2 scenarios when you need to decide one way or the other
Sometimes people get into relationships thinking they can fix their others because they believe that with their help and a little bit of time their partner will see the error of their ways. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always happen and those “bad” habits or other intolerable tendencies persist.
Of course, there are certain things that people can change about themselves if they are willing but there are also things that are in their makeup that they cannot or will not change no matter how much time goes by. In such cases, if one partner was counting on those changes for the relationship to endure or go to the next level then it's time to weigh options.
There are two scenarios:
- You meet someone. They woo you hard or the attraction is really intense but hopefully sooner rather than later you begin to notice some “bad habits” or they have some tendencies you find intolerable. Perhaps you even ignore them at first but they soon become too glaring and a major cause for concern.
- You are already an established couple and your partner, perhaps due to life’s often unexpected and disruptive curveballs, regresses to some bad habits or tendencies that you can't stand.
In the first case, you should know there are some things that aren't likely to change and are probably not worth the effort. Examples of such behaviors as outlined by clinical psychologist Arlin Cuncic include, physical or emotional abuse-your safety is more important, and she also advises that "personality traits such as introversion and extroversion are inborn and aren’t likely to change."
There could also be some other unintended repercussions for your efforts. The partner you are trying to "improve" can begin to feel disrespected and unappreciated for all the other qualities they possess that they consider good, and they can also begin to feel unworthy because it is like they are being told what they bring to the table is not good enough. All these negative feelings do no favors to the partner's self-esteem and are certainly no good in a relationship.
“Personality traits such as introversion and extroversion are inborn and aren’t likely to change.”
Advice: First and foremost a firm line has to be drawn when it comes to hurtful, abusive behaviors. These are not only unhealthy but could be dangerous if left unchecked. Other than that you may need to take a step back and see what it is that is really bugging you about their behavior perhaps it is your outlook that needs changing.
In the second case, understand that this can happen to anyone and if that is the case it can safe to assume as they improve themselves or the circumstances improve they will change. Some hopeful signs to look for that indicate that you don't pull the plug on the relationship just yet include:
- they show a willingness to put in the effort;
- they show remorse for the pain their recent behavior is causing;
- when you talk about the habits or tendencies in question they show a genuine desire to work it out rather than get defensive;
- they have other reasons to want to change;
- you begin to see improvement.
Advice: They need your understanding and patience. Also they need for you to treat them with the same love you always have because this is not who they are and probably not who they wish to be. Having you morph into a nitpicking fusspot is the last thing they need on top of all they are going through.
However here too a firm line has to be drawn when it comes to abusive behaviors.
“Having you morph into a nitpicking fusspot is the last thing they need on top of all they are going through.”
Conclusion
The decision to leave a relationship behind can sometimes be a difficult one especially when there are cogent reasons either way. People have been found to be reluctant to leave even when the handwriting is on the wall that change isn’t forthcoming because they believe have invested so much time and energy in their relationship. However, this alone is no reason to stay
No one should be tied down to a toxic or potentially dangerous partner, but at the same time, it will also be a shame to pull the plug on something that could turn out to be a good thing just a littler further down the road. So if necessary examine your outlook, consider how deep the issues go, keep your expectations realistic, and never ignore the signs.