Do You Fear Losing People If You Don’t Keep Them Happy?
To keep people close people pleasers will do whatever it takes to keep others happy
People pleasers will do whatever it takes to keep people happy including doing things out of character, agreeing a lot with the people around them, and always feeling guilty and afraid to say no.
There are two ways you can find yourself always having to go above.
One, when you always agonize over people not liking you or not wanting you around unless you make them happy and two, painful past experiences can have you feeling that if you don’t keep people happy it will, for instance, trigger their abusive behaviors.
Does it work? Well, people who only see you as a useful tool to have around will tolerate you only as long as you can deliver and what that does to you….. And abusers will be abusers no matter what.
What constantly having to people please does
Some of the negative effects of constantly trying to please people just to belong, can in the long run have you neglecting yourself because you are always invested in meeting their needs, you become emotionally drained, and you lose yourself due to shifting too much just to please and blend in.
In the end, the constant stress begins to take a toll- you have no time for yourself, and feelings of resentment begin to build up in you because of that sinking feeling that people are just taking advantage of your good nature.
2 types of people that always want something from you
1. Fake friends
For this group you are only useful to have around if you can fulfill their needs and that is the only reason they tolerate you.
Fake friends can be hard to pinpoint with certainty especially if they have managed to get really close or they have been around for a long time. However, the signs are always there. Some of the signs are:
- they always want something and that is when they are always around;
- they never give anything back in return;
- you will slowly come to realize that you can never be yourself 100% around them; and
- they either ignore your wins or downplay them.
What to do with them?
Short of cutting off all ties with this group, a very good course of action I would recommend in accordance with the advice of psychotherapist Annette Nuñez, M.S., Ph.D., is to start “matching your friend’s effort put into the friendship, refraining from any favors, and holding firm to your boundaries,”
2. Real friends with a lot on their plate
These are genuine friends with problems who may not even be aware that they are overburdening you or that you are already over-committed. All they know you are always available and willing to help.
What to do with them?
Help when you can afford to. However to avoid becoming overstretched or overstressed some measures you may wan
t to take include: recognizing your own limits, and only agree to expend your energy on endeavors that align with your values. You should also set strict boundaries and gently enforce them. Gently, because they are real friends in need and not just exploiting you.
Conclusion:
Being dependable, always helpful, and considerate of others is not a bad thing! However, everything in moderation is always a good rule to follow. Besides when you are already over-stressed because you are over-stretched it usually is a good idea not to offer help because in that situation you can’t give it your 100% and may end up making things worse. Therefore, it may be better to let your needy friends explore other options.
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