Summary

Covert narcissists may become deeply obsessed with their partners, idealizing them to fulfill their need for validation and manage their internal shame, which can lead to controlling and devaluing behaviors when their insecurities are triggered.

Abstract

The article explores the phenomenon of covert narcissists becoming obsessed with their romantic interests, beginning with an intense idealization phase where the narcissist believes the partner will alleviate their deep-seated shame. This obsession manifests in excessive thoughts about the partner, meticulous observation of their habits, and love bombing tactics to foster a strong connection quickly. As the relationship progresses, the covert narcissist's obsession persists, aiming to mold the partner into their idealized image. However, when their insecurities surface, often accompanied by fears of the partner's true identity or potential departure, the narcissist's behavior may shift to surveillance and control, ultimately leading to devaluation and denigration if the partner fails to conform to their expectations. The article underscores the transformative nature of the narcissist's obsession, from idolization to viewing the partner as a threat, and emphasizes the importance of recognizing and addressing such behaviors in the context of narcissistic abuse.

Opinions

The author suggests that covert narcissists are driven by a subconscious need to find a partner who can make them feel acceptable and validate their idealized self-image.
Covert narcissists are portrayed as engaging in obsessive behaviors, such as constant thoughts about the partner, idealizing future plans, and performing kind gestures, which may initially be perceived as affection but can become controlling.
The article posits that the obsession of a covert narcissist is rooted in their desire to maintain an idealized image of the partner, which can lead to invasive actions like monitoring phone calls or tracking the partner's movements.
It is implied that the shift from idealization to devaluation is a defense mechanism for the covert narcissist, intended to protect their fragile self-esteem and sense of security.
The author emphasizes that understanding the obsessive patterns of covert narcissists is crucial for individuals involved with them to recognize and potentially escape the cycle of narcissistic abuse.

Do Covert Narcissists Actually Become Obsessed with Their Victims?

Spoiler alert: It starts far earlier than you’d think

You are trying to make sense of your world.

Nothing is as you thought it was.

You wonder how this happened, how you were ensnared by a covert narcissist.

And now that you’ve left, they’ve unleashed a wrath you had no idea they had.

How can one person impact you and your life so significantly?

You wonder if covert narcissists become obsessed like you’ve heard malignant narcissists do.

The covert narcissist’s deepest desire

An obsession is a preoccupation with or intrusive thought about something — or in this case, someone.

As with most things, while most narcissists experience obsession, covert narcissists do it differently.

What a covert narcissist wants more than anything is to find the person that makes them feel okay in the world, that alleviates their deep, internal shame, that believes their idealized self, their persona, and their made-up version of reality are, in fact, real.

When the covert narcissist is looking for a partner, like anyone, they believe they are looking for certain characteristics — height, build, hair color, profession, and so on.

They also know they have very high standards — being attracted to those that are very educated, successful, wealthy, connected, high-achieving, creative, and/or physically attractive.

The covert narcissist is not typically aware of their deep, subconscious need to alleviate shame and feel okay in the world.

The obsession begins

When the covert narcissist identifies you as a potential partner, they idealize you and romanticize a potential relationship. This may be an obsession. They think about you when they wake up, before going to bed, and almost continuously throughout the day.

They play out in their mind how each conversation will go, what your first kiss will be like, and even your wedding.

This obsessive thinking and desire to make everything right in their world can make them afraid to reach out initially, to have those conversations, to ask you out. They’ve wrapped up their salvation in the success of this potential relationship with you.

While they are nervously waiting, getting up the courage to connect, they are observing everything about you. They notice how you like your coffee, what time you get to work, even when you’re wearing a new piece of jewelry.

The love bombing has already started — an attentive conversation. kind gestures, a compliment.

Are those new earrings?
I love your new haircut.
I saw a 1960’s Corvette convertible on the road yesterday and thought of you. I remember you mentioning wanting one as a teenager.
I thought you’d need coffee this morning after working late last night. I hope I got your order right.
I brushed the snow off your car. Be careful. It’s slippery.

Once you’ve started dating, the obsession continues.

The covert narcissist leaves you little notes, sends “I’m thinking of you” texts, and looks for ways to make you happy.

If you don’t know any better (and as a victim, you don’t), the covert narcissist seems so sweet, so thoughtful.

The relationship moves very quickly for a few reasons.

They already know everything about you. They’ve been watching you for a while now.
They’ve planned your future and now are simply executing their plan.
They are committed to their idealized image of you and don’t want to let you get away.
You’ve fallen for their love bombing.

The covert narcissist is obsessed with their idealized vision of you, and making you fit that image.

The hidden truth

Yet lying beneath the surface is their insecurity, their fear that you’re not who you say you are, their fear that you will leave.

They may obsessively want to know who you’re talking to, where you’re going, and what you’re thinking about.

They find a way to monitor your phone
They place a tracker on your car
They chase you down when you walk away to clear your head

Your devaluation and denigration that follows is intended to boost their sense of security, to force you into their idealized mold — until you realize who they really are.

You’ve gone from “all good” to “all bad” and their obsession has, too

You see beneath the mask. You realize their version of reality is anything but.

At that point, you have become the enemy.

Their obsession shifts to taking you down, neutralizing the threat they perceive you to be. It’s all-consuming.

And having used their obsession to study you for so long, they know just how to do it.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

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