SELF IMPROVEMENT
Did I Say Something ‘Wrong?’
Stories from a recovering people-pleaser
CW: People pleasing, shame, covert narcissism
Apparently, I still live in a constant state of fear that I may offend someone or say something wrong. I’ve made strides with this, with overcoming people-pleasing, putting myself first, with following my heart rather than following the perceptions and assumptions of others (or rather, my perception and assumptions of their perceptions and assumptions), but I’m not there yet. I’m proving that to myself every day when I read comments on here. I’m proving that every day when I take note of my reaction to what others write in their articles, and in responses. I’m doing better, but I’m still attaching too much of my own self-worth to what you say. I’m working on that. Because my value and my worth are not dependent on your opinion or thoughts, just as yours is not dependent on my opinion of yours.
What the Hell am I Talking About?
Let me try to explain this whole thought process a little further. Let’s say I’ve written an article and touched on a few subjects. When I wrote the article, I wrote it from a place of authenticity, love, need, want, desire, sharing, growth, and a combination of understanding and learning. Every article is written from that place. And so then let’s say I get a comment on this article. And my instant reaction to this comment is that I have offended the commenter (someone who I feel knows more about the subject than me), that I have said something wrong!
If I look back at articles I wrote a year ago, a month ago, hell, sometimes even a week ago, there’ll be components that make me cringe because of my own growth since that time. My point is every article is written in a moment with complete authenticity, based on my current experience and awareness — but that changes daily. Any comment I receive is a reflection of the commenter’s own thoughts — their reflection, assumptions, and perceptions are all based on their own experience, which is very different from mine (even if it’s similar).
…every article is written in a moment with complete authenticity…
Anyway, yeah, let’s say this happened because it did. The comment I received touched on one of those aspects that I now have more awareness around, where I have grown, and where my thought authenticity has shifted. Let me rephrase that. My authenticity hasn’t shifted, but my understanding has shifted. And therefore what I would say about it now is more authentic, now, than the words I wrote then. Now, the words I wrote then were completely authentic, then, but the words I wrote then do not reflect the authenticity of my awareness now. I trust that makes sense.
So, I get a comment that challenges that authenticity. Now, if I’m not aware of my own growth, and usually, I’m not (until I unpack it like this), then that comment can trigger a number of things, from imposter syndrome to “I’m not good enough.” And it’s all because of that old people-pleaser in me (created by a narcissistic upbringing where my only point of existence was to make someone else happy because that’s how I ‘got love’) that wanted to be right at all times, that needed to be right for their own safety. But the problem with people-pleasing is that the need to be right is to be right in the eyes of others.
I’ll let Annie Tanasugarn, Ph.D. explain the whole people-pleaser thing because she’s qualified on many levels!
People-pleasing is grossly misunderstood. It isn’t about self-sabotage, but self-preservation. It isn’t about conscious self-betrayal, but how we are unconsciously taught to prove our worth. And, it isn’t about self-neglect, but in having learned that by doing for others, we’re “caring” for ourselves.
We’re taught that what others think is more important than what we think. Everything gets taught backwards, so our self-worth gets based on backwards thinking.
Growth is Constant
If every time I write, I’ve changed, then every time I interact with someone, logically, they’ve changed — at least, we hope so. We hope everyone’s growing, don’t we? The point is though, no wonder I always thought I was not enough. No wonder I was always striving to do things ‘right’. Because there was no benchmark of rightness. It changed from person to person, and from day to day. I’ve been striving my whole life to achieve a rightness in the eyes of others without a benchmark of what that achievement was or could be.
…no wonder I always thought I was not enough.
But in most cases (because most people are NOT my covert narcissistic mother), that person is not putting an expectation on me to reach their benchmarks. That’s my own expectation. But because I don’t know the benchmark, all I can do is perceive and assume what their benchmark is. Which I’ll inevitably get wrong. Because even if I get it right in that moment, it’ll be wrong tomorrow.
And it took one comment. Not a nasty comment. Not anything that should challenge me. But it took a comment that made me feel like I’d ‘said something wrong’ (and because I agreed with what they said) in my original article to prompt me to talk this through and understand what was going on in my messy cluster-f of a brain!
I get it now. This is what’s going on:
If I’ve written an article, the words of right there for anyone to see. Something in me told me that those words should always remain true. Forever. That’s authenticity. I know now that’s not what it’s about at all. That’s not Authenticity. Authenticity is the truth of the words written at the time. But my truth changes as I claw my way back to my core truth.
So it was actually my perception and assumptions of somebody else’s perception and assumption of a truth that I wrote from a previous stance of authenticity that challenged my need to be authentic and correct.
Authentic and correct
Those two words don’t even go together. I can see that now. Every article I’ve ever written has been authentic and yet if I went back and read them now, most of them would make me cringe because I’ve grown. Now, I have to step back and trust that my older articles will find whoever needs to find them when they’re in that place. That the authenticity in the moment speaks to them.
I also have to remember that sometimes, somebody will read that article and it’s not going to read authentic or worthy to them. And that’s okay because that’s their journey. Mine was done when I wrote it. I moved on from that part of my journey.
My journey was done when I wrote the article.
But every comment matters because I can continue to learn and to grow further from those comments. My challenge today, my opportunity to grow and find more of my deepest core authenticity today, is to accept that no comment is a personal judgment on me, right now. It’s not a personal judgment at all. It’s simply a reflection of the commenter. Just as every comment I ever write is a reflection of me. And in the same way, every comment that I write is a reflection of my authenticity at the time.
This is my authenticity, right now.
This is my truth right now.
This is my deepest understanding and awareness right now.
It’ll be different in the next article. But that doesn’t mean either one is less authentic. It just means I’m embracing my worth and I’m no longer perceiving and assuming that others can’t see that.
How cool is that?
Reflection and introspection — the building blocks of growth. How have you changed, grown, over the past year, month, week? Do you have a record of it — perhaps in your own writing and articles, perhaps in another artform, perhaps in the people you surround yourself with?
