FICTION
Diary, 1984: 2nd April…OMG April Fools!
April Fool’s day in an American school is totes cray-cray
Dear Diary,
The kids here are off the scale crazy-nuts! I am still getting used to life in the US after my family moved here from England. But, honestly, no one in my old school would have dared do the kinds of things that went on here yesterday — on April Fool’s day.
Okay, I will start with the not-so-shocking part…
Well, other than the ridiculous fight, throwing their trapper flaps or whatever they call them. In England we just use our nails, reinforced with extra-thick nail varnish.
Anyway…poor Adelina! She’s also new here — even newer than me, in fact. Like, her family literally landed in the US in March kind of new!
She’s from Romania and didn’t speak a word of English when she arrived. Not a word! But she had to start coming to normal classes with us straight away so that she would learn quickly.
So…there are these two brothers, Michael and Scot, and they’re a bit obsessed with farts. They can be pretty funny at times, but I don’t think making Adelina the butt of their jokes was very fair at all.
They started teaching her different slang words for “fart” but telling her they meant other things. And she had no idea they were stringing her along and making her their April Fool!
During morning break…I mean recess, as they say here…they got her to go into the school canteen and ask for an air biscuit.
Then, at lunchtime, they told her to go and ask for a vapor loaf and a cheese squeeze.
In history class, they told her to go up to the teacher and ask for a chocolate air freshener for Michael’s beef.
They told her that the new single by R.E.M. was actually by a band called Anal Acoustics, and got her to ask Bicho if he liked them.
It was when they asked her if she knows how to do a one cheek squeak that she finally told them to shut up! It was so good to see those butt-heads put in their place!
I did make the mistake, when I first came to the school, of telling them the British cockney rhyming slang for fart, since they kept harassing me for British slang words. And so they even got Ade to come and ask me for one of my raspberry tarts!
I think it was a really mean trick to play and I am never going to speak to them again. Ki said she wants to think of a reeeaaally good trick to take our revenge on them. She doesn’t put up with anyone picking on Ade!
(She even defended the lot of us against Witchstine and Witchsten, I mean Kristine and Kristen, until we all bonded over ice cream with rainbow sprinkles. Mind you, Kristine’s head is still as big as a giant beach ball — and filled with as much air — since she started going steady with Smillew!)
And, if you thought that was bad…WAIT FOR THIS!!!
So….Janet and Anjali never hang out with us at morning recess, since they’re doing extra studies to try to get into Harvard. I know, it’s a way off still, but they need to do loooaaads of extra prep for the next four years!
Yeah it’s boooorrrring being clever! Poor Janet and Anjali! NOT!
But that’s not what’s reeeaally bad!
So, they go off to the library after morning class every day. Only, yesterday — April Fool’s Day — they were rounding the corner from the English block when two boys jumped out and pulled moonies at them!
Poor, poor Janet and Anjali!
It all happened so fast that they didn’t see whose butts they were. They just saw the hairy arses…I mean asses…of two guys and then they ran off before they could see their faces.
All they did know was that one of the butts was kinda Indian-coloured, and the other was pasty whiter than white! So it’s pretty obvious that one of them was Gaurav, even though he keeps saying that he’s above doing anything as gross as that, nor would he ever make jokes about piss, shit or farts.
Well we reckon he’s only saying that to throw us off the scent! The pongy, stinky scent HAHAHAHA!
The question is…WHO IS THE OWNER OF THE OTHER BUTT?
I am determined to find out!
Toodloo for now…
None of this is real or has anything whatsoever to do with any of the following, except perhaps borrowing names…and maybe a bit more:
KiKi Walter Kristine Laco Michael L Butler Scot Butwell Gaurav Jain Adelina Vasile Janet Meisel Smillew Rahcuef BichoDoMato Anjali Joshi Kristen Stark