FICTION

April 2, 1984

So this happened

Dear Diary,

OH MY GAWD. SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED!

Last time we talked I was mad as hell at that K bitch. Now I’m mad as fuck at Sally!

SHE READ MY DIARY!

But I can’t even with her, ‘cuz so much other stuff is fucked up now.

And don’t even get me started about Preeti — I like to call her Preeti LAME! She keeps saying she’s younger than us and sucking her thumb in the halls.

GEE-ROSS!

But the biggest of the news is Smillew and I are going steady!!!!!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

He took me to see Police Academy and paid with his money from his real job. He’s making 6565 times what I make working at the Bingo. At least that’s what he tells me.

I came to school with a hickey then the next day Kiki had one, but it was shaped like the vacuum cleaner nozzle.

LOOZER!

I noticed it in gym class. I was kind of, like, laughing because she’d had her period at school and decided to shower off the disgusting mess she’d made of herself.

DOUBLE LOOZER!!

She saw me staring at her like I was gonna puke. But she’s so dumb, maybe she thought that made us friends or something, ‘cuz that weirdo asked me to sign her yearbook.

I was even the first one to write in it.

She noticed what I wrote then called me out to the Pitts across from EV Medium after school.

That HO called me WITCHSTINE. I’ll end her!

I was gearing up for a fight and Leaky Kiki had her croonies with her. Craggy Prag, Paddy Addy (‘cuz I know she pads her bra!), and Pee Pee Preeti. Kristen calls them Stupid Sally, Assy Adelina, and Pukey Preeti.

We agreed that all these names were RAD!

We are the bestest at making up names for people.

I suggested Wanna Screw Smillew, but Kristen thought that was GRODY.

She suggested Banging Bicho. We both thought Shut Up Gaurav was good even though it didn’t rhyme. We’re hoping that one catches on!

Then we started talking about Reuben, the new kid.

He’s a bad boy!!!!

Come Again Reuben. Tell Me When Reuben. Come On In Reuben.

Then we were laughing so hard, Kristen peed. But she was wearing my shorts! My Mom’s gonna freak!

Whatevs. My Mom’s super lame anyway.

Oh yeah. So we’re at the Pitts and Leaky Sneaky Period Kiki threw her Trapper Keeper at me. I was, like, no way Ho-say! So my Trapper Keeper went flying. I went to grab it before it hit the dirt, and Kiki thought I was trying to HUG her!

What a LOOZER!

But then I saw the boys smile at me like I was HOT. Reuben even put his ciggy out on Leaky’s Keeper and I fuckin’ wet.

SO HOT!!!

Kristen says we have to share him, but I’m not good with that. She can have Hogan. He’s easy.

Anyway, Principal Burg came by and broke the whole thing up.

Toodles!

❤ Me

Fiction means fake, Loozer! It’s super realistic, so I get why you’d think it was realz.

KiKi Walter Kristen Stark Adelina Vasile Gaurav Jain Smillew Rahcuef BichoDoMato Hogan Torah Sally Prag Preeti Ramachandran Susan McCorkindale Reuben Salsa Michael Burg, MD (AKA Medium Michael Burg)