Diamonds of Anxiety Are a Girl’s Best Friend

Never had a friend like you

Hi, it is me again!

Should I say good morning, or it would be too ironic? You barely escaped from me last night, and I applaud you for that. I served you the top ten mistakes of your life when you were struggling to fall asleep.

It is hard to get some rest if I’m all around you with your fails and downs, but yesterday you win. After attacking you till 2 am you finally beat me. Congratulations.

This winning taste bittersweet.

But luckily, you had a beautiful dream and not a scary nightmare about how your family dies, so you opened your eyes with a little bit of hope.

Life is good, and it can stay like that.

Wait, I hold a needle, and I will burst your optimistic balloon.

I know living with me is not easy, but how will you escape? Maybe never or only when you will get old. Maybe you will be one of them, seniors who don’t give a fuck, and I will let you go.

I can’t attack people who don’t care, and I hope when you are 80, you will be tired of life and rules, like your grandma, so you will finally be able to be free.

To live your life and don’t care about me choking around your neck, sitting on your chest, and making knots in your belly.

Care about what?

Don’t pretend like you are sixteen, staring in the blue sky, without worry on your mind. Without me around you.

Now, I’m always here with you.

I watched how you woke up, and now I’m with you in the shower. Your belly looks fatter, and you are losing too much hair. No, I’m beautiful. I can hear your thoughts when you brush your teeth and bravely watch your morning self in the dirty mirror.

I need to clean this bathroom, but when will I find the time?

You have a meeting today, and you need to get this client. If you don’t, you will be on the street in three months.

Au, my tooth hurt. Is my tooth moving? Will I lose it? I can’t have problems with my teeth now, I can’t even afford the dentist visit.

Your hand will try to do a messy bun but when you need to do a bun for people is always a disaster. Your messy bun is perfect only on days when you stay home alone without any human interactions.

Then your dog comes to cuddle around you, and your morning is sunny again.

Look at my baby, he is my little cute baby. He loves me the way I am. Does he? Because tonight, he didn’t sleep in his usual comfort position with me… is he tired of me? Does he even care if I’m there, or he can sleep with everyone?

When I finish my whispers, you will cuddle your dog and asking him if he still needs you. Making sure that somebody needs you more than you need yourself. Then, I will follow you around, with my little interactions, depending on the day. Somedays, I only come around to push you when you are already overwhelmed with work.

Can I do that, or I can’t handle this job? Am I a failure? Can I finish this project? What am I doing with my life?

Or, when you are busy cooking.

Pasta is overcooked, the sauce is burning, and the salad is not finished. Why I never do the salad before the food? I’m burning the fucking sauce! I can’t even do a basic meal for myself, I’m a disaster!

But when you have a sunny day, you are too powerful. You only allow me to take control over you for minutes and not hours.

But when the dark comes in your life, I can be hugging you every hour, which leads to days and sometimes to weeks. I gotcha! You are mine, and I’m stuck on you like honey on bread.

What will happen with my family? What if I lose work? I’m getting older. I have problems with my back and legs. My head hurts all the time. Are these people gossiping about me? Will I be able to parallel park in the center? I didn’t do any workouts because I don’t love myself right. Your writing is shit, your life is shit, and I’m afraid I’m a bad person.

Did I take enough time for my family? I didn’t call my grandma, what if something bad happens to her? Did my baby get enough walk today? I think I’m lazy. Why I’m so slow with this project? My skin is shit and I didn’t cook today. I need to clean my bathroom now, at midnight because I can take another morning look in this dusty mirror without losing my shit.

Do my friends still love me? Today I spoke with my best friend, but she seemed upset with me. Did I do something? Should I text her now?

I whisper my magic in your obedient ears while staring at you like a mom in her kid doing his first step, but after one, he drops back in her hug. Come to me, I got you. I got you, but with anxiety.

When you were a kid, you didn’t even know about me. Remember, moments of shame, when your mum got angry at you in front of other kids or when the middle school teacher was upset with you for forgetting your homework. But that was the embarrassment, not me.

I’m way worst because you know you should be in control, but you usually can’t beat me. I take over you, and your adult brain doesn’t want to understand. You know who I am, but you let me win million times.

And my victory is another weight for you that will keep you awake in the future nights.

When you were a kid, we didn’t have been best friends. Because you were too busy living your kid’s life, running around, laughing, and being sure about yourself. No questioning and daily quizzes were testing you about yourself.

When you were a kid, I didn’t exist because the child’s mind can’t make room for me. He is a soul in the creating. Untouched canvas with every passing year getting more paint, patterns, and scars.

When you were a teenager, I attacked you on the first day of high school, before exams, presentations, and school dances. I was becoming your associate, but never your friend.

And then I slowly intrude in your life, step by step, place by place. When you were a young adult, I came and stayed some moments, but somehow there was still enough fire in you to burn me down.

I watched you, getting your dreams crushed, your heart broken, and your soul wounded, but you didn’t allow me to close.

You were still able to run and leave me behind.

But the very moment you settled in this adulthood, I was slowly becoming your shadow. Checking on you during the day and pushing you over the edge in terrifying situations.

I love spending evenings and nights with you and whisper my truth in your tired ear. I visit you even when you are happy, maybe on Saturday dinner with your friends.

I make you sweat more than your lousy workout, and I can turn your face in tomato in one second. I will sit on your shoulder when we are out and tell you what other people think about you. I will lead your eyes and twist the truth till you don’t stare at the floor. I will make you guess that you have lipstick on your teeth or a draining nose.

I will serve you your failures and the mistakes you made from when you were born. I can make you think you are a waste. I can sit on your chest and listen to your heart beating faster when you dig through your past for those painful memories. You will push me away, but I will grumble to remember more.

I have a lot of secret weapons for your exhausted brains, like your family and friends. Because of your love for them, I will create a million non existing scenarios to make you worry and stress. There is not a single thing that can escape from my magic.

I’m your best friend now.

Some days you can run away, but you can never hide. I’m watching you being angry at me, imagining how I am nothing to you. But if I’m nothing, how can I have such a power of you?

I got you, and I’m always there where you don’t need me.

Thank you for reading.

If you want to read more of my writings, you may read the following one published in The Masterpiece.