avatarAvi Kotzer

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Abstract

to tell others why someone is setting you on edge, it often sounds so trivial. As the words are coming out of your mouth, you find yourself thinking, “Wow, I probably sound super paranoid.”</p><p id="2b40">So, instead of going with your gut, you tell yourself the innocent explanation must be the correct one. You keep going along with it.</p><p id="2666">All those pink flags only start looking red once you’ve seen enough of them — <b>once you’ve noticed a clear pattern emerging.</b></p><p id="a47d">Depending on how experienced you are at dealing with people’s shit and how overt the asshole you’re dealing with is, it could take hours, days, months, or years before you piece it all together.</p><p id="619a">Recently, I had someone reach out to me who gave me kind of weird vibes. I felt like he was laying the groundwork for something (what exactly, I don’t know, but something).</p><p id="dc34">First, he reached out with some effusive praise on one of my articles. But he did it as a private message, not as a regular response.</p><p id="6e44">That made me a bit ill at ease. But I had a hard time really understanding why. I mean, private messages are a thing, and he didn’t say anything off color in it.</p><p id="a878">The private messages kept coming. I ignored them (can’t clap on private messages and I had nothing to say), but had the same odd feeling that I couldn’t fully explain.</p><p id="0ced">Eventually, he gave me some effusive praise and I thanked him. He responded within an hour asking if we could talk off Medium. Ostensibly, it was so we didn’t have to deal with the character limit (though there would have been none if he had just sent me regular responses).</p><p id="75b2">I decided to check out some of his stuff. The first thing that stood out was a very misogynistic article. And then I came across not one but two love letters he wrote to an unnamed Medium writer, each of them with a strong stalker vibe. (I don’t know if they were about me or not, but either way, they were creepy.)</p><p id="b8fb">When I told him I didn’t want to move my relationships with my readers off Medium, he made up an excuse and backpedaled. He claimed he was a professional sex coach and only wanted to offer me some advice about my clitoris.</p><p id="d078">Then, before the day was over, he went back to a post I wrote weeks before called <a href="https://readmedium.com/no-one-owes-you-a-chance-bef1a3ac4072">No One Owes You a Chance</a>. He left a lengthy response that implied that women who don’t give him a chance (e.g. me, just earlier) are bitter, angry, heartless bitches.</p><p id="9b52"><b>Yeah, his intentions were <i>totally </i>professional…</b></p><p id="fe6b">At that point, I cut communication with him before he could try to take things further. I blocked him. He deleted his response. And I hope that’ll be the last of it.</p><p id="0089">Now, given everything I know now — especially those super stalkery posts — it’s clear to me that the private messaging was a red flag. It’s also clear that asking to communicate off Medium is a bit of a red flag here. It’s quite likely he was laying the groundwork for something.</p><p id="a8c5" type="7">But up until that point, each of those individual actions seemed kind of innocent. Pink flags at best.</p><p id="682a">And that’s another way women “ignore” red flags — because each of them on their own doesn’t look that bad.</p><h1 id="3135">“Not All Men” Men Need to Sit the Fuck Down</h1><p id="f59f">There’s one more reason women ignore red flags. <b>We’re constantly being told we should.</b></p><p id="ec92">One big part of the problem is all the men who cry out “Not All Men” whenever women discuss the shit they deal with.</p><p id="c488">We have a lot of reasons for sharing our stories — it’s cathartic, it’s healing, and it helps us bond and understand each other.</p><p id="640e" type="7">It’s also a way of issuing warnings.</p><p id="2010">It’s because we share our bad experiences that we know about fuckboys and how to spot them. Or what to do if our boyfriend turns out to be a narcissist. Or that “Nice Guys” often have a total disregard

Options

for our sexual consent.</p><p id="02c9"><b>That shit’s fucking critical.</b></p><p id="4234">I didn’t have those kinds of conversations when I was younger and I didn’t have access to them online. So, I ended up in some risky situations, or got too close to guys who deep down did not give a shit about me, because I was figuring it all out on my own.</p><p id="8542">But now when we finally share our stories so that we can show each other (and clue some guys in) the red flags and pink flags we need to be mindful of, we keep hearing from men who are annoyed that we’re painting them with a broad brush.</p><p id="3147">Sometimes they don’t say “not all men.” Sometimes, they say that we should give guys a chance even if we feel weird. Sometimes, they say it’s not fair that they get treated like potential rapists just because they were being really forward because damnit they mean well.</p><p id="9486"><b>But in the end, what they’re doing is telling us not to trust our instincts. </b>They’re telling us that we need to give men the benefit of the doubt. They’re telling us to set aside our gut feelings because following them might mean we’re judging a decent guy too harshly.</p><p id="a9f5" type="7">And that’s one of the reasons women ignore red flags — because we’re constantly told we should, even when protecting men’s egos puts us at more serious risk.</p><p id="440e">I’m sure it sucks being treated with suspicion, but there’s a reason we have to be suspicious even if it has nothing to do with you personally. Those guards she’s putting up — the ones that make it trickier for you to interact with her — <b>they might be the only thing keeping her from being abused or having the worst night of her life.</b></p><p id="0515">So if you ever feel like a woman is unfairly treating you like a potential threat, understand that she has to put her safety first. <b>She deserves your empathy, not your contempt.</b></p><p id="cbb2"><a href="https://emmaaustin.substack.com/p/welcome-to-my-newsletter"><b><i>Let’s keep in touch! Sign up for my weekly newsletter</i></b></a><b><i> (I won’t send you anything without your enthusiastic consent!)</i></b></p><p id="0320"><b>❤ If you liked this post, you might also love:</b></p><div id="c7dc" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/the-real-reason-shes-not-being-honest-with-you-76ebab3ff50c"> <div> <div> <h2>The Real Reason She’s Not Being Honest With You</h2> <div><h3>She wants to be straightforward — it’s just not safe</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*5gk1jvdsTLP_qzsFVPr3tg.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="17a8" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/men-hitting-on-women-online-need-to-up-their-game-8c077ca48fc"> <div> <div> <h2>Men Hitting on Women Online Need to Up Their Game</h2> <div><h3>It’s not hard — here’s how to do it</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*M_wLC7GCweb2S5mI8TLexw.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="0e7a" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/signs-your-new-boyfriend-might-be-a-narcissist-e55b2e6d7e2b"> <div> <div> <h2>Signs Your New Boyfriend Might Be a Narcissist</h2> <div><h3>After years of narcissistic abuse, I’m on the lookout for red flags</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*xekbc_KPuOOC_xD8maW9Kw.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

Devon

The cow, not the actor

Photo by Louis Tripp on Unsplash

Today’s New York Times Spelling Bee letters:

Art: Iva Reztok

D, E, I, N, O, T, and center V (all words must include V)

Merriam-Webster says…

Credit: merriam-webster.com

Silly little dictionary! Don’t you know that devon can’t possibly be a word if The New York Times says it ain’t?

For a complete list of rejected words, check out the Spelling Bee Master.

What’s your favorite dord* from today’s puzzle?

My Two Cents

One of the few rules of the Spelling Bee game is that proper nouns are not accepted. Proper nouns are, as I’m sure you know nouns “that designate a particular being or thing, do not take a limiting modifier, and are usually capitalized in English.”

I wonder if devon was rejected because the editors of the Spelling Bee consider it to be a proper noun. In definition 1 of the dictionary, the qualifier “usually capitalized” is used. This makes sense, as that definition describes the breed. However, in definition 2 — the dictionary says “often capitalized”, which is a good enough excuse for me to consider the word a common noun. Hey, we here at Silly Little Dictionary! don’t have the same resources The New York Times does, so we take what we can get.

The picture at the top of today’s column shows a pasture with cows in it. It was one of the results I got when I typed “devon” into the Unsplash search feature. I’m not sure if it popped up because the landscape is in Devon or because of the cattle, or both. Again, I’ll take what I can get.

Oh, and I mentioned that the devon I’m discussing is the cow, not the actor. As in Devon Sawa:

I’m sure many of you would like me to discuss this Hollywood heartthrob born in Vancouver, Canada… but I’m going to have to disappoint the lot of you.

North and South

Our friends at Merriam-Webster tell us devon comes from the eponymous county — formerly known as Devonshire — in South West England, bounded by the Bristol Channel to the north, the English Channel to the south, the county of Cornwall to the west, and the counties of Somerset and Dorset on the north-east and east, respectively.

The devon cattle breed was developed in Devon. No surprise there. It’s sometimes referred to as North Devon to distinguish it from the South Devon breed developed later in both Devon and Cornwall. According to the Domestic Animal Diversity Information System of the Food and Agriculture Organization of the United Nations (what a mouthful!), North Devon cattle came about as an incrossing from Limousin and Salers breeds, around the year 1500. It took another 351 years, however, for the herdbook to be established. (A herdbook contains an official record of the individuals and pedigrees of a recognized breed.)

The South Devon breed has more uncertain origins. One theory says it was via cross-breeding between the local devons and an extinct breed known as the Alderney.

Here is a tale of tape, so to speak of both cattle breeds:

Credit: Iva Reztok

The South Devon has the upper hoof in size, but the North Devon breed clearly wins when it comes to nicknames… and more current photo IDs.

One interesting thing about the South Devon cattle is that just over 1 in 3 have a genetic mutation which causes the absence of the myostatin gene. Myostatin is a protein that acts on muscle cells to inhibit muscle growth. It is present in humans, but also in many other animals, including some fish. Cows with no functional myostatin develop bovine muscular hypertrophy, a condition in which their muscle cells multiply more than normal. They are sometimes called “double-muscled cattle”, and in Devon are sometimes known as buffalo.

The benefit of said cows is that they yield more beef; the downside is the meat tends to be tougher.

Red, white, and moo

The U.S. has its own version of devon cattle, but there is some doubt as to whether or not they originated from the Devon breeds across the pond. In 1623 a shipment of two cows and a bull was brought over to Plymouth Colony… from Plymouth, England. Some experts say they were called devons because they had been shipped from the south coast of Devon. Others believe that because devons already existed as a breed, the cattle shipped to the American colony was indeed a purebred.

The cows and bulls thrived over the next couple centuries and spread across the East Coast down to Florida. In the nineteenth century, other British breeds — namely English longhorns and Durham shorthorns — were brought over and mixed with the American devon. A herd-book for the “new and improved” cattle was first published in 1855, and the American Devon Cattle Club was formed a few decades later.

In 1978 the American Milking Devon was established as a separate breed, along with its own association, to try and preserve the older colonial type of multi-purpose cattle. So far, this effort has proved to be not so easy, and the milking devon has recently been given a “critical” conservation status label.

Credit: Son of Groucho from Scotland

As you can see, this cattle is reddish like its North Devon cousins. They are somewhat smaller, though, weighing in at a couple hundred kilos less than their English counterparts. Although it has “Milking” in its name, this American breed is also used for meat.

No article about cattle is complete without mentioning cow tipping, a countryfolk pastime that may actually be an urban legend. Or, in this case, a rural legend. To learn more about cow tipping —and Medium tipping — check out this article by the offbeat but always funny Michael Burg, MD (Satire Sommelier):

Now you know. Next time you’re in England and you want to order some steak, you can ask that they serve you a cut of a devon cow. Don’t be surprised if the chef can’t get you what you want. Not because you’re in a vegan restaurant… but because the editors of the Spelling Bee decided that devon is a dord*.

You can check out my previous entry on another dord* here:

*What the heck is a dord, you ask? Here’s the answer:

Spelling Bee
Language
England
Cattle
Food
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