Dear Xander: Unfriendly Cats and the Afterlife

Special Edition: Questions from a human and a canine.

Dear Xander is an advice column for feline readers. If you have a question for Xander, please leave it in the comments and he will answer in a future column.

Editor’s note: This week is a special edition. Xander fields questions from a human and a canine.

Dear Xander:

I know you usually answer questions from felines, not their humans, but I wondered if you could help me.

My cat Shady passed away in 2016. I wondered if you know if we will ever see him again?

Hopeful

Dear H:

This is unusual. In my experience, humans don’t ask me these deep questions. To be honest, I don’t know. The great cat philosopher, Morris, was silent on this subject. I decided to ask around and see if any of my acquaintances and friends had information on this.

Anya, my best friend and companion, doesn’t think there is anything after death. This is it, the end. She also told me that last weekend she thought I had died and been replaced with a cat that looked like me. She was completely wrong.

The ‘replacement cat’ was me. Our humans kept giving me some liquid that made me feel relaxed and chill. It also made me smell differently. She seemed to be the only one who noticed. Since she couldn’t figure that out, I am not giving her opinion on this afterlife question much weight.

Next, I asked one of the outside cats that come to my window sometimes. He had a very detailed view of the afterlife. He believes that he will be reunited with his friend that passed away. His friend was hit by one of those large metal boxes with wheels.

Of interest to you, he says that his old human would be there. His old human disappeared one day, and the outside cat was left to fend for himself. There is a lady on the other side of our block wall who is his person now. She doesn’t let him inside, but she puts food out for all the outside cats.

He thinks that all the humans and felines who disappear end up together somewhere. He believes he will wake up one day and be somewhere beautiful with his old human. His squished friend will be there, too. Anya, causing trouble, asked if the canines end up in this place, too. That’s a horrible thought. She wandered away after dropping that bomb.

The outside cat shuddered. We talked about it a little and decided the canines must show up there, too. They probably learned their lesson in life and won’t bother cats at that point.

The outside cat offered the idea that squirrels live there. The canines then chase the squirrels and leave the cats alone. While the canines are off playing with the squirrels, the humans will have lots of time to give the felines treats.

So, there you have it: Anya says no but the outside cat and I agree that we probably all end up in the same place. If we didn’t, who would be there to open the cans of tuna?

Xander

Dear Xander:

I know your column is for other felines, but I have a question only a cat can answer.

I am a canine. I live inside with my human. Recently she brought a feline into the house. I got excited. Cats run very fast and I like to chase and lick. The cat, though, hissed and tried to scratch me!

I tried talking to her, but she won’t listen. She jumps up on the counter and then jumps atop the big box that hums and makes little chunks of frozen water.

Her name is Sunny, and she won’t talk to me. I only want to sniff her fluffy orange tail! Maybe lick her face a little, but she won’t let me get close.

When my human is around, he speaks harshly and puts me outside if I go anywhere near Sunny.

Why can’t she lighten up and play with me?

Confused Canine

Dear CC:

This is a new one. I appreciate that you are trying to get the feline perspective since Sunny won’t talk to you. What Sunny is saying, clearly, is that she wishes you to leave her completely alone.

While some cats are willing to be friends with canines, many of us don’t want any part of that. I tolerate dogs unless they get too close to me. Then I pull out my serious hiss.

My buddy Anya won’t deal with canines at all. She jumps up on furniture, like Sunny. We have a special room we can go into that visiting dogs aren’t allowed in, at least.

My advice is to leave Sunny alone. She has told you with her behavior that she wants nothing to do with you. Leave her alone.

If your human sees that you are leaving Sunny alone, it will probably result in more treats. You should leverage your good behavior for more treats.

Xander

If you liked this, you may like:

Last week, Xander had a few teeth pulled at the dentist and took the week off. Anya took over the column.