Dear Men, Please Don’t Yell for My Attention While I’m Wearing My Headphones

Summary

The article discusses the prevalence of street harassment against women, the problematic advice given by a dating coach on approaching women wearing headphones, and the need for respecting women's personal space and boundaries.

Abstract

The author, ZUVA, a Leeds-based spoken word artist and poet, addresses the issue of street harassment, which affects 81% of women, by recounting personal experiences and critiquing an article by Dan Bacon. Bacon's article, "How to Talk to a Woman Who is Wearing Headphones," suggests that men should persistently pursue women's attention even when they are signaling a desire for privacy. ZUVA highlights the toxicity of such advice, emphasizing that it perpetuates aggressive behavior and incel culture, and undermines women's autonomy and safety. The piece underscores the importance of understanding that women do not owe their attention to strangers and that respecting personal space is crucial in a society where women face significant risks of harassment and assault.

Opinions

The author expresses horror at the advice given in Dan Bacon's article, which promotes toxic and outdated gender dynamics.
The article suggests that the advice given by Bacon could encourage incel behavior and is harmful to both male mental health and societal views on women.
ZUVA emphasizes that women wear headphones as a physical and psychological barrier to avoid unwanted interactions, not as a challenge to men's confidence.
The author points out the real-life dangers women face, as opposed to romanticized movie scenarios, citing statistics from a survey on street harassment.
There is a strong opinion that men should not feel entitled to women's time and attention, and that a woman's disinterest should not be perceived as a man's failure.
The piece advocates for respecting women's boundaries and suggests that men should seek consent and use appropriate venues for starting conversations, rather than accosting women in public spaces.
ZUVA encourages men to directly ask women about their preferences instead of making assumptions based on misguided advice.
The author challenges the notion that a woman's refusal to engage is an invitation for persuasion, highlighting the problematic interpretation of a 'no'.
The article calls for a shift in cultural attitudes away from rape culture and towards genuine respect and understanding of women's needs and desires.

Street harassment is something 81% of women have experienced but why isn’t it taken seriously?

When I first got to Zimbabwe, our gardener told me one day before I left the house to make sure I only had one earphone in. I thought it was strange, but I listened. Since then I forgot, however, a couple of days ago I was walking home when this man yelled for my attention. My music was pretty low so I heard him but still, I ignored him — I don’t like being accosted on streets by strangers. It was then that he aggressively yelled louder, pivoting positions to follow me. Luckily his friend stopped him and told him to leave me alone.

If his friend hadn’t of been there I don’t know what would have happened.

Just the other day I was on Twitter when I saw a thread with screenshots of an article written by a man called Dan Bacon on “How to Talk to a Woman Who is Wearing Headphones.”

The responses as you can imagine were not great, many people like myself were horrified. However, the article gets worse. Not only does the author present very toxic and dated views on women’s “needs and desires” but he also says that if a woman ignores the man, it is his fault for not being confident enough.

This is not a male-directed rom-com where a middle-aged 40-year-old man bumps into the striking braless 20-year-old in a white tank top on the street and they become an item. This is real life where in a 2,000 person survey 81% of women reported experiencing street harassment. 51% had been sexually touched, 34% had been followed, and 27% had been sexually assaulted.

Comments like this are not only detrimental to male mental health but they also breed incel behaviour.

What ever happened to stranger danger?

It seems to me like women are seen as billboards, solely constructed and birthed for male consumption. But being approached randomly terrifying, in a time where women can’t even go to the post office without being raped and murdered. I do not owe anyone my time, especially not strangers on the street.

Let us get this straight, neither my friends nor I have never ignored a guy to test their confidence nor have I ever worn headphones in an attempt to attract someone.

When I have my headphones in, it is because I want to disconnect and be in my own little bubble. There are times I have them in with no music, just because I want to ensure no one will speak to me by seeing a physical barrier. However, it is looking like even this is not enough when looking for personal space.

I have seen a few responses to the article asking, “how do I speak to a woman then?”Or how “feminism is culture is doing so much harm.” Call me crazy but I believe rape and rape culture is doing the real harm.

I don’t like how some men feel that after ticking a few boxes on their sheet, they are entitled to a woman’s time. I don’t like how instead of being treated as a human being with my own emotions and thoughts, the author phrases our disinterest as a man’s fault. Something that will only further promote aggressive behaviour towards women and this insane idea that a ‘no’ actually means ‘try to convince me’.

There are so many different avenues you can use to start a conversation with someone that does not include accosting them on the street. This is not a male-directed rom-com where a middle-aged 40-year-old man bumps into the striking braless 20-year-old in a white tank top on the street and they become an item. This is real life where in a 2,000 person survey 81% of women reported experiencing street harassment. 51% had been sexually touched, 34% had been followed, and 27% had been sexually assaulted.

I believe that those keen on finding out what women like should ask a woman.

Some people may read my extract at the start of this essay and think, “well if you had just said hi, maybe he wouldn’t have gotten so angry.” But to those people I have to ask, firstly, why is a stranger I have never met entitled to my time or attention? And secondly, why are my needs and boundaries always secondary?

ZUVA is an award-winning Leeds based spoken word artist, poet and freelance writer. Click here to join her weekly mail list to get her — Comprehensive Guide for True Beginners — Things I Wish I Knew Before Publishing My First Piece. It contains over 16 articles by 12 different authors on everything you need to know before publishing your first piece here.

She is the editor of An Injustice! A intersectional millennial publication. Check here for now to join!

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