Dear Elle, is it love if you pay for her time?

Can real love exist in a professional sexual relationship?

Dear Elle,

I’ve heard you talk about the relationship that you and James have with Tamara. You have said that you all love each other and that you think of her kind of like a girlfriend. But, is that really real if you also pay her for the time that you spend together?

Sincerely,

Confused

Dear Confused,

That’s a really great question and speaks to a lot of the elements of non-traditional love and relationship. There are all different types of erotic love and attachment and none of them are better or worse than the others. Traditional monogamy-oriented society tends to allow for only one very specific kind. If you love someone, you live together and share your life entirely, but only with each other. But when you go beyond the expected norms of attachment, commitment and relationship, a whole new world of possibilities opens up.

I am a personal growth coach. I form very close intimate relationships with my clients because we spend our time together talking about the intricacies of their lives, fears, wounds, hopes, passions, etc. They pay me by the hour for this relationship, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t authentically care about them. I have even gotten to be friendly enough with some of my long-term clients that we sometimes talk outside of scheduled work sessions. When we chat about what’s going on in our lives, if it begins to turn into a discussion that requires my coaching expertise, then they book a session with me. It’s something that happens naturally and organically. Fortunately, coaching, unlike counseling, allows for more fluid and dual relationships like that.

And just like my clients that I’m close to, we talk to Tamara in between dates, sometimes regularly, sometimes not. We see each other outside of paid dates from time to time. It’s a part of her profession to make her clients feel good, but that doesn’t mean that the things she says aren’t genuine. Life just isn’t that cut and dried; lots of things can be true simultaneously. We can actually adore each other and still have respect for her professionally.

Not unlike coaching, clients aren’t paying for the relationship so much as they are paying for the focus to be centered on them for the time that is booked. That being said, we totally make sure Tamara is having plenty of fun when we’re together, but we do get to take the lead about which direction that fun might be headed in any given moment.

And, when she’s laying in my arms, looking into my eyes, or saying something like, “If you kiss me, I think I might cum,” in those moments it’s pretty clear that the emotions are real. But just as I don’t love James in exactly the same way that I love Nat, the way that I love Tamara (and she me or us) is it’s own unique thing. It gets to have it’s own unique parameters and characteristics, which is the beauty of all polyamorous relationships — they are co-created by the people in them to suit their needs and desires. No pre-existing rules apply.

All love,

Elle

If you’ve got a question for Elle — about non-traditional life, love, sex, or really, just about anything, feel free to post it in the comments or to email me at [email protected].