Dear Elle,

My wife says I can have a playmate; now what?

Elle Beau answers your questions about sex, love, and non-traditional life.

I’ve been on Medium for just under a year now, writing about sex, non-traditional love, polyamory, life and society. On a fairly regular basis I get emails from folks who have read my work and been touched by it some way. Often they have questions about how to make a less traditional kind of life actually work, and I answer as best I know how.

I got just such a message today and asked if I could use our exchange to start this column. I hope to have it be a regular offering. If you have a question you’d like to Ask Elle, you can contact me at [email protected].

Dear Elle,

I been married for 35 years to the same woman. We get along great and weirdly, so we love each other. I’m still very sexual - I love it more than I can explain. She is so cold in that respect though. I have tried everything, so we finally came to a conclusion that she wants me to find a friend to satisfy my needs. She just doesn’t ever want to know anything about it. Is this normal or a possibility? I don’t know where to start.

Sincerely,

Wandering with Permission

Dear Wandering,

Your loving wife may be experiencing issues related to changing hormones or any number of other things that have caused her to lose interest in sex. But since you’ve said that you’ve tried to address that aspect already, I’m going to focus on your specific question.

What you are describing is absolutely doable and also fine, as long as it’s done with your wife’s consent, which it sounds like it is. There are free dating sites like Kettle of Fish that might be a possibility or you might have more luck meeting someone in person at a Meet-Up for a sex-related group in your area. Just be really upfront that you are happily married and simply wanting a sexual companion. Make it clear that you want to be in a respectful relationship (albeit a sexual relationship) and aren’t just looking for hook-ups and you’ll do better.

Something else to consider would be an occasional date with an escort. This has the advantage of being a sure thing but also has very clear boundaries, so you don’t end up potentially involved with a woman who wants more than you can give. As you may have seen in some of my writing, my husband and I actually have developed a very remarkable relationship with an escort that we see — for those same reasons. Dating can be fun, but can also be a pain in the rear. There are a lot of wounded people out there who haven’t done much to deal with those wounds and it can get messy. We really care about Tamara and she truly adores us. We like each other so much as people, and we treat each other with great affection and respect, but when we’re done, we go our separate ways and it’s all clean and easy. I would actually recommend that to you if it’s financially manageable.

I think that really being allowed to express yourself sexually in a way that is healthy and honest would actually be very good for you, and might even be beneficial to your marriage. Finding out more about who I really am as a sexual being definitely was very healing for me and for my husband, James, as well. There are so many expectations and boxes that we get shoved into as part of growing up and society in general and they may not all fit us that well. I see this as simply a way to dismantle some of that.

Being involved with someone other than your spouse, whether it’s simply in a sexual way, or as a kind of friends-with-benefits (or even another love relationship) is becoming more and more popular and accepted. It’s not always realistic to expect one person to be able to meet all of our needs and as long as that is handled with honesty, it’s really all good. If you do get involved with someone (other than an escort) I would encourage you to have very frank conversations with her about what your relationship is and what the boundaries are. These things require a lot of open communication so that no-one is operating from ideas that haven’t been agreed to by all parties. There are some good books out there about opening up your relationship that talk more about that, such as Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships.

Elle, I’m amazed with your answers. I’m actually beside myself - wow, I love your set up. It sounds awesome. I have never been in a threesome and I actually have only been with three girls in my entire life. I patiently waited until my children were grown and married . So now that they are gone, I’m fixing to explore.

I love eating pussy, but is that too risky? I definitely don’t want an STD. I actually enjoy that equal to being inside it with my cock. Lordy, there are lots of things to consider! What is your advice on oral? I appreciate your help. You are a sweetheart.

Dear Wandering,

Well, thank you for the kind words and I’m so glad to have been of help. It does sound like the escort route might really work well for you. That way, you can pick out someone who really appeals to you, not just physically, but what her whole demeanor is like. I’m linking you an article I wrote a while back on how to get the most out of your escort experience, but the short version is, treat it like a real date with a person and not a living sex doll to pose and you’ll do fine.

My recommendation would be to get the classiest escort you can afford. That doesn’t necessarily mean the most expensive, but the women who are doing this as successful careers are less likely to be on drugs, have STDs or other things that you probably don’t want to encounter. Professionals are likely to get tested regularly, although that is definitely something you can ask about in the screening process. You will want to get tested regularly also.

You actually really want someone who does substantive screening. They want to be assured that you aren’t a sex trafficker or a psycho, and that indicates to you that they are serious and professional. A LinkedIn profile is often acceptable because it shows that you are who you say you are and that you have a job. If you don’t have a profile, you may need to jump through some other hoops designated by your provider to get approved.

There are several directories on-line for higher quality women, which may then direct you to their personal website. Your escort will likely say how she prefers to be contacted. Some want to hear the client’s voice to kind of get a sense of him that way. Some only want to set things up via email or her website. Just follow her rules and preferences and she will make sure you have an awesome time, because that is her job. These women truly do not care that you don’t look like a model. It’s their job to keep themselves beautiful but for them a good client is someone who is fun, open minded, treats them with respect and really enjoys their attentions and expertise. Show up clean, nicely dressed, with your fingernails trimmed and your breath fresh and she will be thrilled!

Oral sex should be no problem. Like I said, most professionals get tested regularly, and insist on condoms but not things like dental dams, although again, that’s good to ask when screening. Also, lots of escorts do doubles which means they work with another woman, so if you ever want to try a threesome, that is certainly a way to have one. Many have a favorite friend to do doubles with, so if you find one woman you like, then you don’t have to go through the entire screening process again to find the second one. I have to say, I really love threesomes, either with another woman (if she really truly enjoys women) or with a man. My husband is straight but also likes MFM threesomes because he likes to see me so turned on, and likes to see me with another guy as well. I highly recommend them. James says when he’s with two women, he feels like a king!

I wish you all the best with your upcoming adventures!

If you’ve got a question for Elle — about non-traditional life, love, sex, or really, just about anything, feel free to post it in the comments or to email me at [email protected].