Dear Elle, how do I ask my wife if we can open up our relationship?
Laying the groundwork for open possibilities
Elle Beau answers your questions about sex, love, and non-traditional life.
Dear Elle,
I just want to let you know that I agree with you.
The best of worlds should be a relationship in which both are attached, but open for experiencing sexual bonding with others.
I wish my wife would understand this part….How do I talk to her about this possibility?
Cheers,
Looking to Open Things Up
Dear Looking,
My first recommendation would be for you to get very clear about what you truly want out of the possibility of an opened up relationship. In other words, what would this bring to your relationship with your wife and not just to you? James and I opened up at a time when we were in a very deeply connected phase and were simply looking to expand on that — to bring more heat and variety to us as a couple. Even so, it was a bumpy ride in the beginning, because monogamy-mindset is so deeply engrained in most of us. We had to do a lot of hard work to push through that — work that entailed introspection and many, many, really honest conversations about boundaries, jealousy, desires, etc.
In other words, if your marriage is just a bit stale and there’s no longer much spark in your sex life, starting to see other partners isn’t really a fix. If anything, it will probably drive a deeper wedge into your relationship and take you off in separate directions. Have you thought about what it might mean for your wife if you open up? Are you truly prepared for the possibility that she might start seeing other people also?
If you have a strong, healthy and sexually satisfying relationship and simply want to expand on that, then you have a chance of making this work, but changing relationship fundamentals mid-stream (rather than starting out by agreeing to open relationship) is challenging. It can work, however, if you approach it from the perspective of what it brings to you both as a couple. How would it enhance the relationship between the two of you, not just how can you essentially get a hall pass. If you don’t have a strong, healthy and sexually satisfying relationship, that is the place to put your attention first. Here’s an article that James and I recently wrote about some fun ways to spice up your sex life. You might start there, because it’s only when you both view opening up as a way to enhance an already good relationship will it have any chance of doing that, rather than of destroying the one that you already have.
All love,
Elle
If you’ve got a question for Elle — about non-traditional life, love, sex, or really, just about anything, feel free to post it in the comments or to email me at [email protected].
