Day 16: Depression And Dependence Pain
Coming to grips with my X not wanting to see me.
Update, May 8, 2022: It’s come to my unfortunate attention that my X has many narcissistic traits. I encourage anyone that is going through a weird and painful relationship to please research narcissism.
No one told me about this and I was clueless. 4 years later I know about narcissism but am paying the very painful price for having dated one. Below are some links for you to learn from. Very helpful and informative.
Narcissist Questions/Answers. / Narcissist Video Help
Today, I have no girlfriend and I was rejected by her to us having dinner.
I said, ‘maybe in the future we could see each other?’
I do not enjoy admitting how very weak and needy I feel sometimes.
This would be one of those times.
I see how hard and strong she is when she gets mad, breaks up, etc…
And I wish I could have that, ‘I don’t care about you,’ attitude.
Or is it a mask?
But, I read our past and found out that she has called me back more times than I have, in our past 12 breakups.
I wonder if she is part narcissist?
I have been doing a lot of reading on that because she has some of the characteristics of a narcissist. Makes me sad….
I found, in past break ups, that I have said the same things that I am saying now.
For instance, I feel this is the end. We will never be back together, etc.
And we always did get back together.
But, again, I feel the same thing. I don’t think we will get back this time. I don’t feel it and I can’t see it.
That is depressing and I have to face what she told me and how she feels.
I am fighting this depression and dependence and looking at things differently than I ever have.
I wish I could say that helps and getting over this is now simple.
It is not!
But, I can see how weak and needy I am. And I can tell myself things to address that.
Maybe I will feel stronger and start to love and respect myself as #1.
It still hurts, doesn’t it?
peace,