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Abstract

ith lots of whip cream.</p><h2 id="c358">August 2022 | $50.91</h2><p id="adb3">If I’m not mistaken, that’s enough $$$ to buy a Medium subscription for a year. My 101-year-old grandma can finally read my work without friend links.</p><div id="ce6c" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/pro-athlete-shocked-by-my-grandma-bcb72b362b21"> <div> <div> <h2>Pro Athlete Shocked By My Grandma</h2> <div><h3>What Happened When a Pittsburgh Steeler Visited Her Hospital Room.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*wiIcfjf-oUsnHuUhaXxitg.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><h2 id="240f">October 2022 |$ 1919.63</h2><p id="5dc8">That’s a mortgage payment. Mortgages are not funny, but I think I should make at least one reasonable decision.</p><h2 id="c16e">December 2022 | $72,386.63</h2><p id="799b">I buy a used Tesla Model X. Elon Musk is a toolbag, but I’ve always wanted a car with wings. I would rather have DeLorean with a Flux Capacitor, but I can’t afford to be greedy. Yet.</p><figure id="7581"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/0*udonEDtOETsttjfJ"><figcaption>Dream Car. Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@deloreanrental?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Delorean Rental</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure><h2 id="c7a9">February 2023 |$ 2,729,605.38</h2><p id="1646">I’m officially a millionaire. To celebrate I rent a 200 sq. ft. apartment without air conditioning in San Fransisco, CA. I use the remaining $100 to get a one-way Uber to the Golden Gate Bridge. 🎉</p><h2 id="730b">March 2023 |$ 16,761,798.94</h2><p id="8e5c">I purchase a royal title from the Queen of England. I shall henceforth be known as “Lord <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2016/03/22/world/europe/boaty-mcboatface-what-you-get-when-you-let-the-internet-decide.html">Boaty McBoatface</a>, Royal Viceroy of Awesome Sauce.”</p><h2 id="d60a">April 2023 | $102,929,861.65</h2><p id="7a90">I buy an F-35 Fighter jet. I’m <a href="https://armscontrolcenter.org/f-35-joint-strike-fighter-costs-challenges/#:~:text=How%20Much%20Does%20It%20Cost,%24117.3%20million%20per%20F%2D35C.">short by 7 million dollars</a>, but I rent out my San Fran apartment on Airb&b to make up the difference. I duct tape a selfie stick on the wings and recreate epic scenes from <a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1745960/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0">Top Gun: Maverick</a>. I have so much fun I put two more fighter planes on my Amazon wish list. Of course, I get them because my new friends are rich too.</p><figure id="6162"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/0*v3L67cpsnT_8YgoW"><figcaption>Top Gun Boatface. Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/es/@ancientwanderer?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Terence Burke</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure><h2 id="b234">June 2023 |$ 3,881,350,949.39</h2><p id="0b68">Lord Boatface joins the billionaire club. I realize how confusing it is to refer to myself in the first and third person, but I don’t care. The other billionaires seem like buttholes, so I don’t attend the monthly meetings. I need to find a good accountant because the number one rule of the billionaire club is we don’t pay taxes.</p><h2 id="260d">August 2023 | $146,360,686,299.61</h2><p id="2183">I achieve World’s Richest Man status ten months earlier than expected. I now have more money than Jeff Bezos, who holds the title. Penis-shaped spaceship, anyone?</p><h2 id="6599">October 2023 |$ 5.5 trillion</h2><p id="7882">I buy all the Charmin toilet paper from every Costco in North America. Billionaires, excuse me, trillionaires may be buttholes, but if there is another apocalyptic TP shortage, this butthole is covered. Literally!</p><figure id="2668"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/0*URz-8Of7c6TUJbMO"><figcaption>My beautiful, beautiful horde. Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@lejo?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Elly Johnson</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure><h2 id="404b">November 2023 | $33.8 trillion</h2><p id="6d69">I realize that my behavior from the previous month has caused the apocalyptic toilet paper shortage I was worried about. Who knew trillions of dollars had so much power over world events? I spend 150 million to create a Super Bowl commercial that shows me donating$ 25,0

Options

00 worth of toilet paper to homeless kids with irritable bowel syndrome. For the first time, I wonder if the money is changing the ole Viceroy of Awesome Sauce.</p><h2 id="33b2">January 2024 | $208.1 trillion</h2><p id="3520">My earnings from the Medium Partner Program have now surpassed the <a href="https://data.worldbank.org/indicator/NY.GDP.MKTP.CD">96.1 trillion GDP</a> of the entire world. Worried that Medium can not sustain subscriber growth to pay for my trillions of earnings, I buy the company. I retain <a href="undefined">Tony Stubblebine</a> as CEO on the condition that all former employees get a full-time job with benefits on Medium’s private island. Or on my private island for cannibals. Let them choose depending on their dietary preference.</p><div id="afa6" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/19-subtle-warning-signs-you-may-be-a-cannibal-9791f0482c29"> <div> <div> <h2>19 Subtle Warning Signs You May Be a Cannibal</h2> <div><h3>Take our self-help quiz to determine your risk factors</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*-XdKb0E36ZG-tKXJd5StvQ.png)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><h2 id="05e8">March 2024 |$ 48.2 quadrillion</h2><p id="dc5f">I commission NASA to build a full-size and fully functional Death Star. When it is complete, I use the giant metal asteroid to imprison George Lucas inside. Lucas keeps remaking <a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120915/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0">Star Wars: Episode I — The Phantom Menace</a> until it is 100% free of midi-chlorians and Jar Jar Binks. It becomes the most fantastic movie ever made.</p><p id="df99">Lord Boaty buys the rest of Europe but gives it to the cloned dinosaurs he made earlier but forgot to mention until now.</p><h2 id="5ea5">April 2024 | $295.9 quadrillion</h2><p id="4bbc">Now that I’m a quadrillionaire, for the first time, someone other than my mom listens to my podcast.</p><div id="ac62" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/29-fantastic-excuses-to-not-listen-to-my-podcast-8159c2a5f9d7"> <div> <div> <h2>29 Fantastic Excuses to Not Listen to My Podcast</h2> <div><h3>I know not everyone is as enthusiastic about my podcast as I am. When I’m excited, I tend to be too aggressive in\dots</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*ZonYDG3cTECX32owUNkczA.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><h2 id="1989">April 2024 |$ 1.8 quintillion</h2><p id="2813">One of my biomedical companies invents a vaccine for old age. Intending to live forever, I inject myself and immediately destroy the recipe. My lifespan is now 500 years, and I can shoot lightning from my fingertips when I cackle. I dress in all black and become Emperor Boatface.</p><h2 id="9339">June 2024 | $11.1 quintillion</h2><p id="313a">Fearing the collapse of global markets from my earlier meddling, I hire <a href="undefined">Smillew Rahcuef</a> as my accountant and T-Rex charmer. He immediately converts 100% of my considerable fortune into #smillewcoins.</p><div id="709f" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/get-back-up-to-25-in-smillewcoins-f3928d4c7151"> <div> <div> <h2>Get Back Up to 25% In #SmillewCoins</h2> <div><h3>Some people¹ have recently complained I was making too much money from my ko-fi page. It’s true that with my background\dots</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*rRkYnec0s7FF4UhFVGkhiw.png)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><h2 id="08f1">July 2024 |$ 0.00</h2><p id="8c75">The value of #SmillewCoins crashes, and I lose everything. My Death Star, dinosaurs, toilet paper empire, and royal title all disappear. Hope is not lost as I start over in the Medium Partner Program with $1.35.</p><p id="5170">This is a work of satire. It’s made up tomfoolery. To be clear, I am not critiquing the Medium Partner Program or the leadership of Coach Tony. I love this place. Cheers!</p><p id="fd32"><a href="https://medium.com/@workplaysol/membership">Join Medium here</a>, and I get some extra pennies. Click the new tip button, and I get 200 more of those shiny copper Abe Lincolns.</p></article></body>

Satire

Thanks to Medium, I’ll Be the Richest Man on Earth

And what I’ll do with the money

By June 2024, I will make $13,329,906,953,194,500,000

That’s 13.3 quintillion dollars. How did I reach this conclusion? Simple. I used a spreadsheet. No one can argue with spreadsheets mostly because they can’t talk. Before you get any ideas, please do not lump me in with the plague of misleading charlatans Benya Clark writes about. I have DATA to prove I’ll soon be building my spaceships and running the world.

Writers Are Lying To You About Their Earnings

These are five ways they do it.

benyaclark.medium.com

I joined Medium in June 2022

I did not know what Medium was before joining but got instantly hooked. I begged, borrowed, and stole (not literally) on my way to getting 100 followers. I reposted my blogs from my business website that no one ever read. I experimented and wrote satire. I even penned the obligatory 100 Followers story. Even though my first payout was only $1.35, I was thrilled. No one had ever paid me for writing before.

100 Followers: A Right of Passage

So many stories and I discovered why.

medium.com

In July, I had 614% growth.

Then came July. I worked hard, wrote new stuff, and engaged with other writers. And boom! $8.29, baby! All that work was worth it. I am proud of my growth, even though it's very little money. You can see the comparison between my first two months here:

614% Growth. Nailed It! Created by Author in Canva Pro

Then I began to dream

What would happen if I consistently had 6x growth every single month? I understand the power of compounding interest over time, so I got curious. I entered $1.35 and $8.29 into my handy dandy spreadsheet.

Voila! In 24 months, I’m a quintillionaire.

Screenshot of Author’s Handy Dandy Spreadsheet

Now you may be asking yourself, “Can you really do that?”

And the answer is “Of course, spreadsheets can’t lie.”

See the earlier joke about spreadsheets and talking. For my calculations, I’m not assuming an increase in growth, just consistent growth. Do you still have doubts about my future wealth? I made a chart.

Screenshot of Author’s Handy Dandy Chart

The chart shows how important it is to keep grinding away, only making hundreds of millions of dollars a month until you finally hit the big 20-figure payday. Guess who’s on their way to being filthy, dirty, skanky rich?

What will I do with all that money?

Let’s look at the milestones and my future purchases.

June 2022 | $1.35

My first purchase is candy. I love a bag of crispy M&M’s.

July 2022 | $8.29

Next is TWO coffees. I get frilly macchiatos with lots of whip cream.

August 2022 | $50.91

If I’m not mistaken, that’s enough $$$ to buy a Medium subscription for a year. My 101-year-old grandma can finally read my work without friend links.

Pro Athlete Shocked By My Grandma

What Happened When a Pittsburgh Steeler Visited Her Hospital Room.

medium.com

October 2022 | $1919.63

That’s a mortgage payment. Mortgages are not funny, but I think I should make at least one reasonable decision.

December 2022 | $ 72,386.63

I buy a used Tesla Model X. Elon Musk is a toolbag, but I’ve always wanted a car with wings. I would rather have DeLorean with a Flux Capacitor, but I can’t afford to be greedy. Yet.

Dream Car. Photo by Delorean Rental on Unsplash

February 2023 | $ 2,729,605.38

I’m officially a millionaire. To celebrate I rent a 200 sq. ft. apartment without air conditioning in San Fransisco, CA. I use the remaining $100 to get a one-way Uber to the Golden Gate Bridge. 🎉

March 2023 | $ 16,761,798.94

I purchase a royal title from the Queen of England. I shall henceforth be known as “Lord Boaty McBoatface, Royal Viceroy of Awesome Sauce.”

April 2023 | $ 102,929,861.65

I buy an F-35 Fighter jet. I’m short by 7 million dollars, but I rent out my San Fran apartment on Airb&b to make up the difference. I duct tape a selfie stick on the wings and recreate epic scenes from Top Gun: Maverick. I have so much fun I put two more fighter planes on my Amazon wish list. Of course, I get them because my new friends are rich too.

Top Gun Boatface. Photo by Terence Burke on Unsplash

June 2023 | $ 3,881,350,949.39

Lord Boatface joins the billionaire club. I realize how confusing it is to refer to myself in the first and third person, but I don’t care. The other billionaires seem like buttholes, so I don’t attend the monthly meetings. I need to find a good accountant because the number one rule of the billionaire club is we don’t pay taxes.

August 2023 | $ 146,360,686,299.61

I achieve World’s Richest Man status ten months earlier than expected. I now have more money than Jeff Bezos, who holds the title. Penis-shaped spaceship, anyone?

October 2023 | $5.5 trillion

I buy all the Charmin toilet paper from every Costco in North America. Billionaires, excuse me, trillionaires may be buttholes, but if there is another apocalyptic TP shortage, this butthole is covered. Literally!

My beautiful, beautiful horde. Photo by Elly Johnson on Unsplash

November 2023 | $33.8 trillion

I realize that my behavior from the previous month has caused the apocalyptic toilet paper shortage I was worried about. Who knew trillions of dollars had so much power over world events? I spend 150 million to create a Super Bowl commercial that shows me donating $25,000 worth of toilet paper to homeless kids with irritable bowel syndrome. For the first time, I wonder if the money is changing the ole Viceroy of Awesome Sauce.

January 2024 | $208.1 trillion

My earnings from the Medium Partner Program have now surpassed the 96.1 trillion GDP of the entire world. Worried that Medium can not sustain subscriber growth to pay for my trillions of earnings, I buy the company. I retain Tony Stubblebine as CEO on the condition that all former employees get a full-time job with benefits on Medium’s private island. Or on my private island for cannibals. Let them choose depending on their dietary preference.

19 Subtle Warning Signs You May Be a Cannibal

Take our self-help quiz to determine your risk factors

medium.com

March 2024 | $48.2 quadrillion

I commission NASA to build a full-size and fully functional Death Star. When it is complete, I use the giant metal asteroid to imprison George Lucas inside. Lucas keeps remaking Star Wars: Episode I — The Phantom Menace until it is 100% free of midi-chlorians and Jar Jar Binks. It becomes the most fantastic movie ever made.

Lord Boaty buys the rest of Europe but gives it to the cloned dinosaurs he made earlier but forgot to mention until now.

April 2024 | $295.9 quadrillion

Now that I’m a quadrillionaire, for the first time, someone other than my mom listens to my podcast.

29 Fantastic Excuses to Not Listen to My Podcast

I know not everyone is as enthusiastic about my podcast as I am. When I’m excited, I tend to be too aggressive in…

medium.com

April 2024 | $1.8 quintillion

One of my biomedical companies invents a vaccine for old age. Intending to live forever, I inject myself and immediately destroy the recipe. My lifespan is now 500 years, and I can shoot lightning from my fingertips when I cackle. I dress in all black and become Emperor Boatface.

June 2024 | $11.1 quintillion

Fearing the collapse of global markets from my earlier meddling, I hire Smillew Rahcuef as my accountant and T-Rex charmer. He immediately converts 100% of my considerable fortune into #smillewcoins.

Get Back Up to 25% In #SmillewCoins

Some people¹ have recently complained I was making too much money from my ko-fi page. It’s true that with my background…

medium.com

July 2024 | $0.00

The value of #SmillewCoins crashes, and I lose everything. My Death Star, dinosaurs, toilet paper empire, and royal title all disappear. Hope is not lost as I start over in the Medium Partner Program with $1.35.

This is a work of satire. It’s made up tomfoolery. To be clear, I am not critiquing the Medium Partner Program or the leadership of Coach Tony. I love this place. Cheers!

Join Medium here, and I get some extra pennies. Click the new tip button, and I get 200 more of those shiny copper Abe Lincolns.