Become a better listener to empower your relationships

To build stronger relationships, we have to build better listening skills. Then we can come to the table as equals ready to work.

by: E.B. Johnson

Relationships require balance, but this is something that’s hard to achieve when you lack in communication and listening skills. While we must be open with our partners and willing to share with them, we also have to listen to them and give them room to share. Listening is harder than sharing, but it’s a skill we have to cultivate in order to build stronger and longer-lasting partnerships that are worth working for.

How often do you sit and really listen to your partner (without anticipating your response)? When they want to talk about something difficult or challenging, do you dismiss them or avoid the conversation altogether? These can be signs of shortcomings in your listening skills that are making it tough for you to connect and maintain those connections? Want a healthier partnership? Start by being a better listener.

Listening is a super skill.

We live in a world that has taught us to love the sound of our own voices. Whether online or in person, we’re coached to talk about ourselves and highlight the array of mundane accomplishments we’ve managed on any given day. This can create narcissistic leanings, which further our unhealthy connection to habits and isolate ourselves in a number of painful ways. Among those skills we lose touch of (when we fall in love with our own point of view) is the ability to listen, and with that the ability to bond with our partners meaningfully.

Listening is a super skill, and it’s one that has the power to transform the way we see one another. When you listen to your partner, you give them space to express themselves and you give yourself an opportunity to see them in a different way. In turn, it allows them to afford greater trust in you and see you as a supportive element in their life.

If you and your partner have hit a rough spot in your relationship, reshaping the way you listen to one another can be the change you both need. Ask one another more questions, engage with one another’s thoughts, and learn how to listen in a desire to help — rather than respond. Slowly, you’ll come to see one another (and the way you communicate) in a different light. And you’ll also change the way you see listening and making room for other points of view in your life.

When your listening skills need improvement.

Do your listening skills need improvement? Most of us could benefit from practicing this skill a little more mindfully and consciously. There are a few signs, however, that could indicate a major need for improvement, or a relationship that would be empowered by more intentional listening from all parties involved.

Always about you

Communicating in our relationships isn’t a one-way street. It should involve both partners doing the best they can to share and sit back, creating space for the other person to do the same. It’s give-and-take. If you are someone who always turns the conversation back around to you, then it indicates a selfish preoccupation and a lack of both respect and consideration for your partner. It proves that you love you, and you alone.

Rushing others

One of the most common signs your listening skills need improvement occurs when we rush other people and the points that they’re making. This is a total show of disrespect, and it also shows that we don’t place value on the very important points that other people are making. If you rush your partner to finish what they’re saying and show signs of impatience, it will cause them to feel insecure and can cause them to lockdown and avoid you altogether.

Failing to connect

Communicating with someone is far more than simply saying words to one another. We use communication to meet on deeper levels, and some of this is created through our body language and signals. When we don’t make eye contact, or don’t show interest by asking questions or engaging with what the speaker is saying — they can come to believe that they aren’t connecting with us. This can cause them to lose faith and form the belief that you don’t care enough to listen.

Waiting to respond

When you listen to someone else, how much of the conversation do you actually absorb? Do your thoughts stay focused on their words, or do you start to formulate your own responses the minute they start talking? If you only listen in anticipation of response, then you don’t leave enough space in your mind to fully process and empathize with what your partner is saying. Our brains come with a finite amount of processing capability, and when we focus on answers before we have all the details, we end up with judgements and unhealthy breakdowns.

Avoidance as standard

Humans are funny creatures, with an array of emotions that can be both elating and uncomfortable. While we might be good at embracing the things we love, the same cannot always be said for the uncomfortable side. When it comes to the hard talks, we tend to avoid conversations we don’t want to engage in altogether — no matter how important it is, or what it means to the other person. This includes avoiding topics that don’t interest you, or shutting your partner down when they indicate they want to talk.

A defensive to approach

Do you get defensive whenever your spouse or loved one tries to open up to you about something challenging or awkward? Do you close down, see it as a personal attack, or even get offended? This defensiveness is toxic — not only because it doesn’t allow you to grow, but it also doesn’t allow your partner to build trust in you. To build a stable relationship, we have to be open with one another and willing to compromise. We get there with communication (and listening).

Interrupting and dismissing

Interrupting your partner or dismissing them makes it impossible to communicate effectively. Not only does it teach them that you aren’t a safe person to talk to, it also indicates that you don’t really care about what they have to say or why they’re saying it. We have to empathize with our partners, and we have to give them enough space to express themselves fully and without judgement. When someone chooses to confide in you, you should reward that by listening openly.

Jumping into judgement

Are you a judgmental person? Do you jump to conclusions before you have all the information, or use your own perspective to shape your opinions of others? When we jump into judgement, we leave little room to listen to what the other person is saying. We don’t really hear them, and we aren’t able to process or perceive what they’re really saying to us. Because we’re too focused on what we want to see, rather than the truth.

How to empower your relationships by becoming a better listener.

One of the simplest ways to boost your relationship is by boosting your listening skills. You and your partner can become better communication by becoming better listeners. Engage one another, leave room for one another, and find the balance in your talking and listening ratios.

1. Ask open-ended questions

How often do you ask questions whenever you’re communicating with your spouse or someone else important in your life? Questions are a foundation of active listening, and one of the common ways we signal to a partner that we are interested in what they’re saying or how they feel. Asking questions also shows that you’re present and committed to improving things; that you’re trustworthy and open to sharing your space with the other person.

Encourage your partner to open up to you regularly, and when they do engage in active listening techniques to make them feel seen and heard. Primarily, ask open-ended questions that show you’re listening, but which also encourage your other-half to expand on the points they’re trying to make.

Ask them about how they’re feeling. Ask them to give you more details about their experience. What you ask should depend entirely on the topic you’re discussing, so there’s no single-formula to memorize. Instead, just focus on staying away from “yes / no” questions which shut down explanation, and actually communicate a lack of care or an air of dismissal.

2. Seek new learning

In this age of social media, we become hyper fixated on our own narratives or our own perception of reality. Outside of this, we can find ourselves becoming disinterested or detached emotionally from the experience of others. We start to see listening as a burden, and when we’re forced to engage in it — spend most of our time thinking of how we want to respond (rather than what the other person is trying to communicate). We have to change this and see listening as a positive instead of a negative.

Let go of the idea that listening is one-sided. Engage yourself and see it as an opportunity to learn more about your partner and the world in which they live. Stop making assumptions. Be open-minded and come into your communications with a clean slate. When you do this, you learn new things about yourself as well as the world around you.

This is an excellent opportunity to actively display your empathy and your compassion to your partner. Shed everything you think you know and embrace their point of view. Take their experiences and apply them to your own knowledge of the world. Use them to expand how you see yourself, others, and your own experiences and memories. All our encounters can become learning experiences when we start to view them more creatively.

3. Balance the talk / listen ratio

When you and your partner communicate with one another, what’s the talk / listen ratio? While it’s normal for one partner to speak more than the other, it’s important that we make a conscious effort to communicate at equal levels. For a happy relationship to blossom, we have to talk just as much as we listen (and vice versa). Both partners have emotions and thoughts, and those things need to be shared candidly in order to stay on the same page.

Be very conscious about how much you’re talking when you open up to your partner. Intentionally make space for them to express themselves and don’t take up all the space for your point-of-view alone. Don’t butt in and don’t bully over what they think or how they view things. Find the balance and do it mindfully.

In order to get this ratio right, you and your partner need to understand how you communicate and what your needs are in that department. We don’t all speak our minds in the same way or at the same pace. Be aware of how your partner opens up. Be aware of how they express themselves, and how you need to express yourself too. You’ve got to find the balance in talking and listening to one another if you want to be keep your channels open and feeding a thriving relationship.

4. Shift your perspective

What does the idea of listening without speaking do to you? If you had to simply sit and listen to your partner for 10 minutes — without interjecting or saying something like, “I think…” — would you be able to do it? Many of us see communication more as a chance to share our own ideas, rather than an opportunity to learn about others. We have to change this perspective once and for all in order to become more open with our partners.

Rather than insisting on listening being a burden or a “chore”, see it as a valuable tool that allows you to connect with your partner on different and deeper levels. See it as something which prevents heartbreak, miscommunication, and conflict in your lives. It’s just another tool, but one which makes our partners feel valued and seen.

Make a conscious effort to change yourself from the inside out. Do you avoid listening because it forces you to confront your own thoughts and emotions? Deal with the inner issues that make it hard for you to be open with the people you love. Resolve the fear and know that being on equal footing with your partner is the only way to build a future in which you can both be participating members that share in the journey.

5. Leave judgements at the door

Judgement is toxic, and it creates walls and divides in our relationships and the way in which we communicate. You should never judge your partner. To love someone means accepting them as they are, not hoping you can change them or guilt them into being someone else. You have to leave your judgements at the door, and this is especially true when it comes to being a better listener. When you communicate as equals, you come to one another without the hangups and without the assumptions.

Any time you start to communicate with your partner, clear your head of any preconceived thoughts or conclusions. Don’t allow yourself to jump to assumed endings without having all the facts. Also, don’t assume that you know better than you partner when it comes to creating solutions for their problems.

All we really want from our relationships is to be seen and valued. We want to know we aren’t being judged, and we want to know that it’s safe for us to be authentic and open about what we want and why. You can give your partner much of this by simply being a better listener. Make it clear that you understand their life is their own, and that they are free to make their own choices (and mistakes). The more you grow as individuals, the more you can thrive as a couple. Listen to one another without the need to judge or correct.

Putting it all together…

In order to improve and empower your relationship, you need to find common ground with your partner. We do this by communicating, but that also involves listening. The more effective we get at this skill, the more we are able to open up and see our partners as the individuals that they are. We can fine tune it by being proactive and dropping our judgements and reservations.

Ask more open-ended questions and encourage your partner to open up to you by being an active listener. Instead of seeing your role as a listener as being burdensome, see it as being a chance to learn more about yourself and your partner (and relationship) too. Find the balance in the talk / listen ratio and ensure that you’re both getting enough space to listen and be heard. Shift your perspective and understand that in order to be better communicators, you need to be better listeners first. Listen to yourselves and your needs; listen to one another. Then, you can leave your judgements at the door and find better ways to open up and build happiness and love together.