COVID-19 broke my heart this morning
We live in a day and age where avoiding people is considered kind.
For the past few days, I’ve been taking different meandering routes whenever I walk my dog, Gibson. I’ve been purposely avoiding the usual places where I bump into my friendly, chatty neighbors.
Recently, my wife, Nicolette, was exposed to a coworker who later tested positive for COVID-19. Nicolette can do the majority of her work from home, but she does occasionally have to attend meetings in person. Last week, Nicolette and one coworker met for a quick meeting. The coworker started having symptoms later that same day and immediately started the lengthy process of — scheduling a test — getting tested — waiting for results. It took her six days to find out she tested positive for COVID-19. Thankfully, the coworker’s symptoms have been mild and are already fading. Nicolette is getting tested as I type this.
There is a real possibility that I am carrying the virus right now. This is why I am avoiding people.
This morning I decided to take Gibson to the nearby park for a quick walk. Every walk in the previous three days has been within our complex. The abundance of green space in our complex is a blessing, but the small condo and townhome community is starting to feel claustrophobic.
We took an unusual route to the park. When we arrived, we avoided the spot where dog owners like to gather. I pulled my mask up when passing by others. The path is wide. It was easy to maintain distance from the joggers and morning strollers. As we exited the park, I was relieved. I hadn’t bumped into a single chatty neighbor. Success! We started up the hill back home. I saw an elderly couple coming down the sidewalk and led Gibson into the grass, giving them plenty of room to pass.
The woman smiled and looked at me as she said, “that was kind of you.”
I replied, “no problem.”
But it was a problem. She told me that I was kind because I purposely avoided crossing her path. It hit me like a ton of bricks.
I long to hug my friends. I want to sit with my spiritual community and sing and dance. I would love to chat up a stranger or have the opportunity to judge the firmness of someone’s handshake.
Our government’s slow and inconsistent response to COVID-19 has assured that none of those things will happen anytime soon. Messages from federal, state, and local governments have been contradictory and confusing. Many politicians set loose guidelines and urged citizens to “do the right thing.” Many of us did not.
Usually, this is the part of the story where I insert an inspiring call to action — some quote about interconnectedness or an anecdote about spiritual practice. Today, I don’t have an upbeat spin. For now, I will sit with my despair. I’m sure it has come to teach me something. I hope it doesn’t take too much time to realize what that something is.
I like to end conversations by saying, “see you soon.” That no longer feels true. Now I’m searching for a more authentic way to say goodbye.
Patrick is a journalism student and blogger in Austin, Tx. Follow him on Twitter and check out his other articles on Medium.
