Don’t Let Your Counterfactual Thinking Stop You from Writing

Are you still asking that you could have gotten the writing bonus if you only …

Yes, I did get the bonus, the last time, Medium would be giving out the writing bonus, and while I am grateful, I began to ask myself a “what if?”

What if I did write as many stories in the months of May and June? If only …

I stopped myself right there. It is like punishing myself for not doing anything. When the truth is, I worked as hard and wrote with as much passion in May and June.

And while I didn't get the $500 bonus in May ($100) and in June ($50), unlike when I was among the lucky ones who got the $500 surprise in April, I did get the writing bonus four times out of four, a 100% average.

My inner saboteur can still argue, but some did it too, 4/4, and got $2,000 extra money — You “only” earned $1,150.

Instead of being happy, I can quickly spiral into self-doubt or feel like an impostor.

Counterfactual thinking

Counterfactuals are mental representations of alternatives to the past and produce consequences that are both beneficial and aversive to the individual.

I read a Facebook post today where a bronze medalist is “happier” than a silver medalist because a bronze medalist can say, “At least I won a medal,” while a silver medalist would say, “I could have won the gold.”

Counterfactual thinking is thinking about a past that did not happen.

When we fill our minds with counterfactuals, we disassociate with reality. After feeling a sense of gratitude, and I am very thankful for the blessing because it is what I prayed and wished in my heart, I began to have conflicting feelings about my July earnings.

Now that I know that it is possible to earn as much as $745.51 in a month, I wondered if I had done everything that could have increased my earnings. “If only,” when July is my best month ever.

Should I have written more when the truth is I have finished writing 100 stories in 10 days, and while it gave me a tremendous mental boost, especially after finishing my self-imposed writing challenge, I can’t say if it was a factor in getting the bonus?

And it is useless and a complete waste of time to try and decipher the things we have zero control like how the algorithm works.

Truth

If you wrote one story in one month, you could still earn more than I did. All it takes is one story to go viral, and this month I found out that it takes 2,000 views / 1,000 reads by members to earn $100 for a single story.

We learn to write at our own pace.

When I started writing again, it took me a day to finish an article, and I struggle to write 1,000 words.

I would hear myself,

If only you can type faster, when I do type 40 words a minute,

If English is my first language, I won’t struggle to find the words.

All of this comes from my counterfactual thinking, and if I don't catch myself drifting into the abyss of self-doubt, I could easily spend the whole day being trapped in the cycle of rewinding on my mind the past.

I understand how frustration feels.

And I don't want to sound condescending. However, the feeling of frustration has struck me a couple of times, and like many considered quitting, I did actually when I have been an early adopter of Medium in 2017.

Now I know that I can use that feeling of frustration to challenge myself in the future and not wallow in defeat by locking myself in the past.

And if there will be days when the feeling becomes overwhelming, I know I should pause, let the feeling run its course, and be quiet.

Final thoughts.

Could I have written this piece if I didn’t get the bonus? I don't know because then it becomes a counterfactual.

It didnt happen.

Writing on Medium is not a sprint or a race.

There is room for everyone, those who came first may have an edge, but it can’t stop us from winning, and by writing, we have already won one battle, and that is our battle against self-doubt.

If you write, you're a writer. I write. I am a writer.