The core emotional needs that everyone shares

As humans, there are a few core emotional needs that we all share. Once we accept that, we can connect on deeper levels.

by: E.B. Johnson

When it comes to building relationships, there are a few core emotional needs that we all share. The human experience is a shared experience. We all want the best from our lives, and we all seek the same basic comforts and securities. It applies to our relationships too. We want partners who respect us and partners who see us. We want to be loved, and we want that love to be condition-less.

Do you feel as though you belong within your partnership? Do you feel that you are listened to, and that you are secure and wanted? You and your partner have to be clear on the core emotional needs that fuel your relationship. If you want to stay connected — if you want to make it through the ups and the downs — then you have to be on the same page. That starts with honesty, and it ends with action and with commitment.

We all hold a few needs in common.

We have a tendency to make our relationships more complicated than they need to be. While balancing our desires against one another can be tricky, we all generally want the same things in order to feel happy within a partnership. Are you clear on your emotional needs? Do you know what it takes to make you feel seen, heard, wanted, and valued within an intimate relationship? Fundamentally, it all boils down to 6 core elements.

No matter who you are, you want to be accepted by your partner and you want to be prioritized by them. Feeling important to someone else helps us to feel good and to feel secure. Outside of that, we want to be listened to and we want to feel as though we are desired beyond others. Almost everything else we desire in a relationship branches off of these basics.

In order for us to build better bonds, we have to pinpoint these needs within ourselves and then find their natural balance within our relationship. This takes time, but it also requires that each partner is honest with themselves and one another. Figure out your own needs, then have a genuine conversation with one another. Be mindfully committed to act and be aware and present enough with one another to check in regularly on your progress.

The key emotional needs we all share.

When was the last time you honestly assessed the state of your emotional needs? Are you getting what you want? In order to get to that plane of happiness together, we first need to understand the core components that build up the foundation of a happy life together.

Desire for acceptance

Humans are highly social creatures, and that causes us to crave social acceptance. This acceptance is far more than someone agreeing to be present with us. True acceptance occurs when someone sees you are on the inside and the outside, and they love you regardless. To accept someone means to value them and to understand both the good and the bad sides of them.

Being prioritized

How often do you feel as though you are prioritized by your partner? It’s important to feel important to someone who is also important to you. Never underestimate the power of making someone feel like the most important part of your life. Making room for someone in this way allows them to feel safe with us, which in turn allows them to build up their trust in us.

Need to be heard

Acceptance and prioritization will only get you so far if you aren’t also listened to. We have to communicate with one another in order to build relationships that are worthwhile. This communication involves talking, but it also involves actively listening to our partners and the concerns, needs, and desires they are attempting to express to us. We all need to be heard, and we all deserve to be heard — specially by our intimate partners.

Feeling of belonging

Belonging is such an important concept to so many of us, but we struggle to find it in our friend groups and even in our intimate relationships. Do you feel as though you belong in your relationship? Does your partner feel like a home to you? When we belong with someone we feel at peace with them. There’s no real pressure to perform; no need to become something which we aren’t. Boiling all the superficial stuff down, we really just want to belong somewhere.

Seeking security

When was the last time you felt unquestionably secure? We all want to feel safe, and we want to feel safe enough to open up and to trust the people we build lives with. Are you secure in your relationship? Do you wholly feel as though you can trust your partner? This is something we all chase, and it’s something which many of us struggle to pin down. Why? Because we often insist on seeing what we want to see, while dismissing the truth laid out in our subconscious environment.

Craving desire

Do you feel desired by your partner? Do you feel like they would choose you before any other lover? Any other friend? We want this level of desire from our intimate partners, and it’s one of the big differences between someone who remains a friend and someone who becomes so much more. Physical and emotional intimacy count, but we often allow great imbalances in these intimacy points to become great divides and points of contention.

How to pinpoint and align your emotional needs together.

Understanding that you share the same core emotional needs isn’t enough. You need to pinpoint those needs and understand their balance specifically within your life and relationship. Then, you and your partner have to commit to act — as one — in order to align yourselves and the things you expect (and need) from one another.

1. Figure out your own needs

There’s this tendency in many of us to think of the meeting of our needs as someone else’s responsibility. Many were raised on this idea that our fulfillment and validation is only our responsibility until we meet “the one”. Nothing could be further from the truth, however. We are responsible for our own happiness, but this only comes to us when we sit down and pinpoint our needs. Be realistic. What exactly is the balance you crave between being seen, heard, and supported?

You have to spend some time on your own figuring out exactly what your needs are within your relationship. What do you really want from an intimate partner? What kind of conversation do you need? What kind of experiences are going to allow you feel content and fulfilled within that aspect of your life?

Journaling is a great place to start if you’re just getting going on your journey. Start small. Think about your perfect relationship and describe it in detail. Record how your ideal partner acts and pay particular attention to how you imagine them treating you in the good moments and the bad. Look at that relationship for over a decade, then over a lifetime. Compare it to your current partnership. Are you getting the things you need? Be clear and honest.

2. Take care of yourself for once

When we get into relationships, we have a tendency to become very dependent on our partners and they on us. Through this codependency we often lose sight of our ability to care for ourselves. Although our partners provide important outlets of support and encouragement, they can’t provide us with that deeper sense of meaning, purpose, and connection we’re looking for. All of those things are factors which can only come from within.

Don’t expect your partner to meet every single one of your needs. Do we need certain emotional commitments from our partners? Sure. Are they responsible for our emotional fulfillment? No. We are the only ones who can make ourselves happy, be that on the physical or emotional plane. At the end of the day, only we have the power to ensure our needs are met and respected.

Try meeting your own needs for a little while. Look for other ways in which you can feel the same love and connection, without the need for your partner’s endless presence and validation. This isn’t to say you should seek other intimate relationships. Instead, you should simply seek to find realistic alternatives (like close friendships, pets, etc) which provide you with that basic sense of being seen, valued, appreciated, and loved.

3. Have an honest conversation

Like it or not, it’s impossible to align needs with your partner if you aren’t able to open up to them. As partners, lovers, and friends — we have to be able to communicate with one another whether the topic is hard or easy. Our partners are there to support us, and they should want to make our relationships better just as badly as we do. You need to have an honest conversation with your partner in order to align your emotional needs.

Once you’re clear on what needs your partner should strive to meet, you have to sit them down and communicate. Tell them what you’ve discovered and explain what you require from them. Then ask them to do the same. Just as you expect certain emotional commitments from your partner, they have the right to ask specific things from you.

Be honest with one another. Stop shying away from uncomfortable truths, because it is in those truths that we truly grow the most. Don’t worry about hurt feelings or dented egos. These are things that can be worked past with honesty. By leaving them unaddressed, the two of you will only cultivate a greater distrust in one another, as well as a disconnect filled with resentment and contempt. Stop avoiding the inevitable. Have an honest conversation with your partner about how you feel and what you want.

4. Be mindfully committed to act

All our words and all our interior work means nothing if we don’t follow the words up with action. This action shouldn’t be painful. It shouldn’t take more than we can comfortably give. We shouldn’t have to pep talk ourselves into doing something. When we love someone, we should be internally motivated to take action in the name of our shared improvement. We should be mindfully committed to act and align or emotional needs.

Intentionally make space for your partner. You should want to make space for your partner. You should want to help them and to open up to them. Don’t just express your desire for closeness and then leave them to do all the work. Pinpoint your own strides and then make them.

Look for 3 small ways you can improve your relationship in an emotional facet each day. Perhaps this takes the form of leaving small notes of gratitude and encouragement around the house. “I love you…Thank you for helping me…I know you can do it.” Perhaps it looks like focused physical affection; giving your partner a hug, or giving their hand an unexpected squeeze. Never underestimate the power of small acts when it comes to bringing you closer emotionally.

5. Check back in regularly

Even though you may have mastered the art of honest communication, it will serve you both little if there is no follow through of regular check-ins and inventories. Staying on the same page means staying in contact on a regular basis. It means consciously and intentionally making time and space for one another in your everyday lives. We can’t just talk things out when times get tough. We should always be looking for opportunities to open up to one another in love and understanding.

Things are going to change in your relationship, and they’re going to change in your life. Personally and professionally you may be putting out a lot of fires. These challenges change us, and they often change the balance of the things we want from our relationships. Maybe your sense of “belonging” isn’t such a concern anymore. Perhaps you’re being prioritized, but you’re not being listened to.

You need to check back in with one another regularly — especially when it comes to major life upheaval. We humans are not stagnant creatures. Even though we may try to let life pass us by, we are always growing and always changing within it. You and your partner need to touch base with one another throughout this growth to ensure that you both stay on the same page and committed to the lives you’re building with one another.

Putting it all together…

When it comes down to our emotional needs, there are a few core requirements we all share. At our core — as humans — we want to feel like we belong to something, and we want to feel important. In relationships, we want to be seen, heard, and supported. But beyond that, we also want to be loved and desired. Do you know where the balance in your emotional needs lies? In order to build a better partnership, you both have to get aligned emotionally.

Spend some time getting clear on your emotional needs and the precise balance you require between support, freedom, love, and validation. Once you’ve pinpointed these needs, see where you can make up the difference. Don’t expect your partner to do all the work. The point of our emotional needs is not for another person to meet them. It’s to guide us toward our higher fulfillment and happiness. After realizing where your emotional needs lie, sit your partner down and talk about their place within that list of needs. Remember, though, they have needs of their own and they will need your help in meeting those aims emotionally. Get everything out in the open, then work to mindfully act in the name of your shared improvement. Don’t stop there, though. Check back in regularly to ensure that you’re both staying on the same page.