Death be not proud
Controversial Study Finds Dying Is Bad For You
Inconclusive results on backstroking through lava, doing the Bachata Merengue atop saw scaled vipers
In the biggest healthcare story since nail fungus victims leveraged hypnosis and guided imagery to resume daily activities, a newly published study contains compelling evidence that dying is not beneficial for humans.
“Bad juju across all health metrics,” said Dr. Maura Talie Tee of Best Buy Medical Research, who led the study.
“Heartrates flatline, blood oxygen levels plummet. Pulmonary capacity? Zilch. Nichts. Zippity doo-dah-day.
Most corpses can’t even sprout a decent Fu Manchu.
We highly recommend people avoid dying. It’s murder on your insurance premiums.”
To test her hypothesis that sinking into the immutable siesta could impact life expectancy, Dr. Tee devised an experiment comparing common health metrics across two groups —
- A control group of 1000 people who continued living — if you can call it that for participants marooned in Hackensack
- A similarly sized test group, the members of which all had to kick their cellular respiration addiction cold turkey during the test
To ensure the method chosen to shout that final sayonara didn’t bias results, subterranean snoozers punched their final timecards in unique ways, including —
- Reverse 4½ somersault in the pike position off the Skywalk Bridge into the Colorado River without a flotation device
- Leg sweeping a water buffalo
- Scaling Denali’s Muldrow Glacier in a pith helmet, puttees, and dhoti
- Gorging on Norduz goat tartare from xenophobic street vendors in Istanbul’s red-light district
- Scoring Acapulco Gold in Ciudad Juarez. Buying groceries in Ciudad Juarez. Venturing out of your bedroom in Ciudad Juarez
According to Dr. Tee, the newly deprecated were bedeviled by medical woes, such as —
- Unresponsive reflexes
- Inability to process complex information or make snap decisions
- Sudden aversion to exercise, especially Zumba
- Loss of bladder and bowel control followed by inability to urinate, defecate, or throw a football
- Billion-yard stare
- Reduced interest in hobbies, particularly ones that require motor control
While Dr. Tee is dead certain of her findings, her study is controversial.
“Perish and Publish,” quipped Dr. Kaye Daver, chief scientist at rival lab Ed’s Not Too Shabby Experiments.
“Dr. Tee rushed to get into Lancet before scrutinizing the results, ignoring the salutary effects experienced by test group participants who tap danced the one-way boogie.
This is not the methodical science you learned in high school — beakers ’n flasks ’n stuff. I mean, no Bunsen burner?
Never heard of science without a Bunsen burner. Not how we here at Ed’s do it.
Daver described several key benefits of downsizing to a long-lease pine-board condo —
- Hypertension sufferers saw “pretty darn encouraging” drops in blood pressure
- In welcome news to dieters, food cravings plummeted, with extending fasting becoming the new normal (not recommended for those queasy about liquefaction)
- Rapid relief for people experiencing high fever
- Major reduction in time wasted on activities like social media and commuting
- Everyone got plenty of bed rest
Still Dr. Daver cautioned that more research is needed before people start self-medicating.
“You can’t just go slogging across the Styx every time you need to drop thirty pounds or struggle with insomnia.
Until we get comfortable with it, dying is a treatment of last resort, requiring guidance from a medical professional or qualified megalomaniacal cult leader.”
For her part, Dr. Tee believes her research findings not only will stick, but will extend beyond humans.
“Dying is probably detrimental not just to human beings, but many other organisms like horsehair worms and hare scat and maybe even gym socks.
We need more funding to investigate. We’re good on flasks, but we could use a couple of decent Bunsen burners. Have you seen what they’re asking on eBay?”
Thanks to BOFace for pushing originality.
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