Summary

The article discusses the author's humorous and satirical interest in applying for the newly created position of "director of rodent mitigation" in New York City, which involves combating the rat population with a salary of nearly $200K.

Abstract

The author of the article, Betsy Denson, humorously contemplates applying for the role of "director of rodent mitigation" in New York City, a position that pays up to $170,000 annually. Despite the challenging nature of the job, Denson is motivated by the high salary and the opportunity to tackle the city's rat problem using innovative solutions such as operational efficiency, data collection, trash management, and what she refers to as "wholesale slaughter." She acknowledges her lack of experience but is confident that her determination, coupled with DIY resources and the wisdom gleaned from movies like "Caddyshack," positions her as a strong candidate. Denson is prepared to take drastic measures, even suggesting a scorched earth approach if necessary, and is ready to stand out among the competition for this unique job opportunity.

Opinions

The author views the role of a rat exterminator as akin to being a "stone-cold assassin," suggesting a tough and uncompromising approach to rodent control.
Denson is dismissive of the portrayal of rats in media, such as in "Ratatouille" and "Rats of NIMH," rejecting the notion that they are intelligent or endearing creatures.
She believes that an outsider's perspective, free from sentimental attachments to New York landmarks, may be beneficial in executing the job effectively, even if it means significant collateral damage.
The author is willing to learn and adapt, indicating that the substantial salary would justify the effort to close any knowledge gaps she might have.
Denson draws inspiration from fictional characters like Carl Spackler from "Caddyshack," emphasizing the use of "superior intelligence and superior firepower" in her potential rat extermination strategies.
She is open to using various methods, from traditional (e.g., morning stars) to modern (e.g., flamethrowers), to address the rat infestation, and is even willing to consider relocating zoo residents and reinstating mask mandates as part of her approach.

Rodent roundup

NYC Has a New 170K a Year Job to Kill Rats — And I Think I’ve Got A Shot

Did someone say stone-cold assassin?

When I read about the new job posting for a “director of rodent mitigation” from the office of New York Mayor Eric Adams, it was all I could do not to pack my bags, my 500 cats, my dynamite, and my Roundup® to head north.

Will it be hard? Apparently. Rats are driving taxis now in NYC. But the job will also pay close to 200K. From the job description:

“The ideal candidate is highly motivated and somewhat bloodthirsty, determined to look at all solutions from various angles, including improving operational efficiency, data collection, technology innovation, trash management, and wholesale slaughter.”

Operational efficiency — Whack ’em and stack ’em is my takeaway here

Data collection — Who doesn’t know how to track kills on a spreadsheet?

Trash management — The full dumpsters are giving the critters a place to hide. I have one word — flamethrower.

Wholesale slaughter — Every night, in my dreams

As for my inevitable knowledge gaps, I figure there’s not much I wouldn’t be willing to learn for a few hundred thousand dollars. And there’s an argument to be made that an out-of-towner might be the best person for the gig.

After all, New Yorkers are probably so used to seeing rats that they don’t even notice them anymore. It’s like the clutter in my house. Just becomes part of the scenery.

Roaches I’m used to — until they meet the bottom of my shoe. Rats would be a new one for me. However, I’m not swayed by the movie propaganda that is Ratatouille. Or that brainwashing book series Rats of NIMH.

Rats are not unappreciated chefs or Mensa-level rodents. They do not belong in kitchens or chatting under rose bushes. I’m with the mayor when I say they belong six under. Or lower if necessary. Like New Jersey.

As to actual experience? I don’t have a lot of it. But what is experience when you have murder in your heart? Add to that some do-it-yourself YouTube videos and Discord chats and you’ve got yourself a rat assassin.

Also, I’ve seen the movie Caddyshack about 50 times. I know that Carl Spackler was stalking a gopher but his wise words remain true.

“So you have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior firepower.”

I’ve got to be smarter than a rat, right? Like I could find cheese in a maze way before they could. The Harvard Business Review says that rats can tell “the difference between a movie that features a rat and one that doesn’t.” So I’ll host a viewing of Ratatouille and then cue the cats. Or light the fuse. Whatever gets the job done. Who’s winning now?

That’s the other thing about being from out of town. I have zero attachment to any NYC building or landmark so if I have to go scorched earth, so be it.

Lastly, I am motivated. There is a long list of jobs I would do if you paid me $170K a year. Add Director of Rodent Mitigation to that list.

I’ve even thought of what my suit should look like.

That Carl Spackler is everywhere. If these guys had used a crap ton of difethialone to take out the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man there might have been a lot less collateral damage. But maybe a little more lung cancer.

The job description didn’t say anything about discretion but I’m open to direction. If there’s a threshold for collateral damage, I can try to meet it. Maybe people can keep their pets and kids inside for a week or two? And relocate the residents of the Central Park Zoo for a bit? Reinstitute the mask mandate? It’s for a good cause.

Wish me luck. I’m sure a lot of people are applying for the job so the winning applicant is going to have to really stand out. Word is that this guy has the inside edge.

But I’ve got to take my shot. Or my TNT. Or my morning star. You get the picture. Big Apple, I’m ready to bust you wide open. Just say the word.

Betsy Denson would not take a job killing spiders because she wholeheartedly buys into the propaganda that is Charlotte’s Web.

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