“Constant Sex Kills The Coronavirus”
The piece of fake news that might have a sliver of truth to it.
Yesterday, on Twitter, I came across the (obviously) fake screenshot below. I giggled, retweeted and moved on with my day.
Then it occurred to me: maybe this is the way to go? Perhaps the best way to deal with this thing is to lock ourselves up with our partner(s) to put a new spin on the old Peaches classic and simply “fuck the plague away”?
Now’s not the time to expand our horizons.
An avid supporter of sex-positivism and ethical sluthood, I never thought I’d say this, but; now’s the moment to put our inner-sluts in timeout and focus on what, or rather who, we have right in front of us.
Constant sex—with lots of new partners—spreads the virus.
Due to current events, I’m afraid we’re best off putting our orgy fantasies on ice…for the time being. Instead of acquiring new lovers or adding an extra member to our poly-family, let’s all sign-off of Tinder (or OkCupid, Bumble, Match.com, Grindr or whatever your deal is), hunker down and bundle up with someone we’re already fluid-bonded with.
Among several reasons, we should take these precautions in order not to further thin out an already destitute dating pool—and thereby up our chances of fulfilling our wet-dreams in the foreseeable future.
Constant sex—in isolation—could deter the epidemic.
Because none of us want this to turn into a killer wave, we need to take precautions: We’ve got to ride this out until the curve peaks and tapers out before we can all paddle our way safely back to shore.
Without being an expert on COVID-19, there’s one thing I can say for certain; the best way to keep it from spreading is to be around and touch as few people as possible. Since that’s where we’re at, we might as well touch those we’re already bound to touch—exponentially more.
If you’re single right now, do not despair! Firstly, you’re safer than the rest since you strictly don’t have to touch anyone but yourself—and that’s exactly what you should do.
Plan your Corona-killing sexy staycation
I acknowledge that having the option to self-isolate is a luxury. Having been self-employed for over a decade (voluntarily and gainfully, if I may add) I tend to forget about these things we call ‘jobs’. Most people have them, and the vast majority can’t just stop showing up—even in times of adversity.
For the rest of you writers and freelancers, this won’t be much different than your regular existence, apart from potentially having your lover(s) and kid(s) around too. For everyone else who can work from home, or has the freedom to take a break, this would be a good time to do that.
I’m currently making arrangements for the possibility of having to self-quarantine for a few weeks or longer, in which I plan to have as near-constant sex as my situation allows. Here’s my strategy, and a few tips:
Stock up on the essentials.
No need to go off your rocker here. I must comment on the current toilet paper frenzy: You won’t need those 50 jumbo packs of TP. Common people!
If we remain in isolation for the duration it takes to use up all of that, we’re gonna have worse things to worry about than wiping our butts. Plus, if you have a toilet, you also have running water… Yes, you know what I’m hinting at. You’ll be fine.
Ok, now that I got that out of my system; just get the basics. And, don’t forget candles and flowers for the ambiance.
Buy food that gets you in the mood.
Clearly, you want to get all the normal, healthy, good stuff, including ample fresh and frozen produce and regular pantry staples. But, more importantly, I stocked up on too much dark chocolate (is that a thing?), several bottles of wine, and even more cheese.
If you’re going to be stuck at home, you might as well make it lush and sensual, right? Plus, my main man is French, so I’m trying to add incentive, hence all the cheese. (Not that he needs it… ehemmm…)
Anyhow, since you’ll need extra stamina, here’s a handy list of foods to eat for better sex.
Bring out the toys.
Whether you’re planning a solo or multi-person lazaretto, here’s your opportunity to dust off the tool-shed, and/or get all the stuff you have saved on your Amazon list. As far as I know, they’re still up-and-running.
I personally can’t wait to get my hands on the NJOY Pure Wand for some squirting fun, and ever since Yael Wolfe started writing about her experimentations with vaginal beads, they’ve been on top of my list too.
Make it a spiritual experience.
Sex already has the potential to be a spiritual experience, but you can take it to the next level. Whether you’re alone or have company, I recommend engaging in some chakra play or open your book on tantric sex.
Take boudoir photos.
Use this time to snap pictures of yourself or of each other. It’s not only fun, sensual, and sexy, but it’s also bound to make your hottest vacation album to date.
Disclaimer to those with kids.
For obvious reasons, ‘constant sex’ is not an option with kids around—they come first after all. This article does not condone neglectful behavior! So, while they get the mainstage during the day, be rigid with bedtime and make evenings and nights your time. Take turns getting a nap in during the day to compensate.
In a pinch, there’s always Netflix. I’ll never recommend using cartoons as your babysitter, but if ever, a global pandemic is probably your best excuse to expand the quota a little bit.
On a serious note.
The current Corona outbreak is no laughing matter and I don’t intend to make it one or trivialize it—rather the opposite. Still, we’re all taught that laughter is the best medicine, and some say that love is the cure—so why not try to add a bit more of both, even, and especially, in the midst of a crisis?
I keep hearing from the camps claiming; “this is way worse than we think”, to the ones yelling “chill out, this is just a flu with a different name”—and everyone in between. It’s hard to know what to believe these days.
While I’m determined not to panic, I believe it’s my personal responsibility—to my community and fellow citizens—to take whatever precautions I can to flatten the curve; to be safe rather than sorry, while hoping that ‘team chill-out’ is right.
Confinement might sound drab, but as with many things, it is what you make it. That’s why I plan to shack-up, turn my home to a love nest, focus on the little things, and keep my hands off everyone but my nearest and dearest.
See you on the flipside. In the meantime:
Stay strong, stay sound—and stay sexy!
Below are a few sexy-creative things you could get up to inside:
