Consent is Not a One-Time Conversation

If you want to get kinky or change things up, you need to ask first

Sometimes, we are lucky enough to see the world change for the better right before our eyes. Real social change can be slow, but when you get the chance to witness it, it’s inspiring. I find a lot of hope in the conversations I see happening about consent. Information about what true consent sounds and feels like, what it looks like with new partners, and how to incorporate enthusiastic consent into foreplay is becoming more available all the time.

Whether you’ve been with a partner for one night or hundreds, consent is a conversation that needs to be ongoing.

But consent isn’t a one-time conversation that’s only required at the beginning of a relationship. It’s something that changes and morphs over time, and whether you’ve been with a partner for one night or hundreds, it’s a conversation that needs to be ongoing.

I recently had an experience where a partner I’ve known for almost 5 years didn’t ask for my consent before he decided to get kinky. He smacked my ass, and while we were having sex, he put his hands on my throat, tightly enough that my oxygen was compromised. While I was going down on him, he used my hair to try and force his cock into my throat.

It’s not that I’m not kinky (you know I am!). It’s not about whether or not I enjoy those particular activities (it’s a mixed bag). It’s about the fact that he did things that could be way beyond someone’s limits without checking in with me first.

There’s this voice in the back of my head that wants me to believe I’m making a bigger deal out of it than it needs to be.

Because I know him and trust him, and because we have history together, his actions were more annoying than anything else. Our sexual relationship has been a little more on the tender side in the past, so I wasn’t expecting kinky. I never felt like I was in danger or felt afraid. And luckily for him, none of those were actions that triggered anything upsetting or unhealthy for me. But there was no way he could have known that.

Still, when I think about talking to him about what happened? There’s this voice in the back of my head that wants me to believe I’m making a bigger deal out of it than it needs to be. The experience I had and the way I feel about it now is specifically tied in to the way our culture views both consent and the baseline for expected sexual behaviors.

Getting explicit consent from your partner about things you want to try is not optional. This is especially important in light of the fact that so many men these days have gotten the majority of their sexual learning from pornography, where it’s pretty normal to see drooling, gagging, spanking, and slapping.

Many of the things depicted as commonplace in porn are actually pushing some pretty serious boundaries.

These things are not part of a vanilla sexual relationship. Some of them can be kink-lite, like medium to light weight smacks on the bum. But there are levels of kinkiness, from fluffy and playful to seriously edgy. Many of the things depicted as commonplace in porn are actually pushing some pretty serious boundaries.

As an example, let’s talk about the act of forcefully pushing someone’s head down onto your cock. I am not against a good deep-throat, but only if I am in control. If I go slow, I can avoid the gag reflex- but many women can’t, or simply don’t want to.

Beyond that, forcing someone to gag on your genitals is not a vanilla sex act. In her article, Where Does Gagging Belong?, Emma Austin wrote:

But gagging is a one-way street. The women getting throat fucked on screen are gagging and suffocating and it’s still classified as mainstream, vanilla porn. But when the men are made to gag or suffocate, then it becomes a BDSM or humiliation video.

Swapping genders shouldn’t mean swapping categories altogether. If gagging and suffocation are kinky when it’s done to a man, then it should be kinky when it’s done to a woman.

The head-push is a sexist double-whammy. Not only are you causing physical distress by making someone gag, which many people find highly unpleasant, you’re potentially cutting off their air supply. If you’ve ever had an asthma attack or been otherwise deprived of oxygen, you know what kind of panic that can cause.

I can’t think of any other situation in life where someone would do something that potentially distressing and consider it all well and good. So why would it suddenly become okay when you’re naked?

Choking or putting your hands on someone’s throat is another really good example of something you should never do without express permission or discussion ahead of time. Consent for these types of things needs to be given before the sexual interaction starts.

When people sit down to negotiate a kink scene, they talk about a lot of different aspects of what’s going on, from their physical state to their mental state. They talk about triggers and preferences, things that have worked in the past and things they aren’t willing to consider. They also don’t negotiate mid-play.

Asking your partner mid-orgasm whether you can choke or bite them is not adequate in terms of consent.

As you get into the hot and heavy stuff, your body produces chemicals and hormones. Have you ever had a sexual experience so good you felt like you were floating? That’s because your brain is flooded with the magic of oxytocin, you’re high on your own happiness cocktail.

While those moments feel great, they’re a terrible time to talk about what you are or are not willing to try with your partner. Asking your partner mid-orgasm whether you can choke or bite them is not adequate in terms of consent. The conversation needs to happen sober.

Exploring new things can be a great way to spice things up in the bedroom, but it’s something that needs to be mutually agreed upon. Whether you’ve had sex a handful of times or every week for ten years, consent is important. It’s imperative.

You can’t make assumptions about what’s going to be okay and what’s not.

Many couples who have been together for a length of time are good at reading each other. My boyfriend knows how to touch me, and there are certain things that I’ve given blanket consent for. Often there is an unspoken agreement about how partners express interest in physical interactions with each other. When you’ve been with each other for a while you start to have a good feel for boundaries and limits. Even so, you can’t make assumptions about what’s going to be okay and what’s not.

Sexual relationships are about mutual pleasure and trust. They should be based on agreements made between the participants, not on one person deciding to try new, potentially dangerous things without checking in. An ongoing conversation about consent is the only way to have an ongoing healthy physical partnership.

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