Welcome to 2020, All Talk of Loose Vaginas is Hereby Cancelled

Penises, no matter how magical, can not alter human anatomy

I’m always game for a new lady-buddy comedy, so when I saw the first previews for Tiffany Haddish’s new movie, Like a Boss, I was all in. In one of the previews, the main characters advise a young makeup client not to have sex at homecoming, because homecoming sex is no good. Okay, I’m down with that. But then, before you know it, Jennifer Coolidge chimes in with “You’re only super tight for a limited amount of time, you don’t want to waste it!”

Cue groaning. I love to laugh, and a good punchline will stick with me for weeks. Jokes about loose vaginas? Miss the mark in about 50 different ways. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised, since it’s a movie about women, written and directed by men (what else is new). Who is the target for this joke? The men dragged to the movie by their girlfriends? Because it’s definitely not for women.

Not for the first time, I consider whether I’ve just lost my sense of humor. No, that’s not it. I’ve just lost my patience for letting people off the hook when they laugh at things that are definitely not funny. Maybe it’s supposed to be funny because the concept itself is so laughable? I wish. Unfortunately, the idea that women’s vaginas “get loose” is alive and well.

It’s 2020, and I can’t believe we are still talking about basic human anatomy as if it’s some sort of mystery.

A couple of times a year, I come across a Facebook or Twitter thread about the things women have had to explain to their boyfriends. No, we can’t turn our menstrual flow on and off like a faucet. No, having a hysterectomy will not make your vagina “extra wide.” No, anonymous did not have to switch to “super” sized tampons because she has been having sex with other men with bigger penises so her vagina has been “stretched bigger.” It’s 2020, and I can’t believe we are still talking about basic human anatomy as if it’s some sort of mystery.

What exactly do these dudes think is going on around here? What do they imagine is happening inside our underwear? Do you think we are out here walking around with some cave in our pants? I try to imagine what it would feel like if there was just an empty space inside me; a vast cavern of echoing sexuality where you can shout your name and hear it echo. Maybe like my vagina was a sock that got too much starch on it and now it’s just an empty tube down which things can be thrown.

The way muscles work should not be a hard concept for people to understand, yet we find gems like this passage from a Psychology Today article on “tight” and “loose” women:

Try this: Pull the corners of your mouth out toward your ears then let go. What happens? The mouth immediately snaps back to its pre-stretched state because the tissue is elastic. Do it 100 times. There’s no permanent stretching. The mouth quickly returns to its pre-stretched state and no one would ever know you’d stretched it.

People, the man who wrote this has written 13 books and has a Master’s degree. And he is on the internet explaining vaginal muscles in a way toddlers could understand, because apparently that’s what it’s going to take.

Let’s return to the basics, just for anyone reading that genuinely doesn’t know how this works. The vagina is like a fist, made of muscles that can contract, tighten, relax, and expand. These muscles are part of the pelvic floor, and they are always tight, unless a woman is sexually aroused or giving birth.

When a woman becomes aroused, the muscles of the vagina relax, allowing penetration. What does relax mean, exactly? Going from something resembling a tight fist to something with enough give to fit a finger or two. If a woman is not aroused, penetration will be more difficult and painful. Most women’s muscles relax slowly, which is why foreplay is so important for so many of us. After sex (and this is the kicker) the vagina returns to its usual resting tension and shape. You know, sort of like how after you widen your eyes, you don’t get stuck looking like a bush baby, your lids go back to normal.

After sex (and this is the kicker) the vagina returns to its usual resting tension and shape.

The probable idea that there’s a correlation between the fantasy of a tight vagina and the willingness/youth/purity of a woman is a different can of worms. Where did the tightness ideal come from? Perhaps from a time (it might still be that time) when women didn’t have much choice about their sexually activities? PSA: if a woman’s vaginal muscles are so tight that you’re having to push your way in? You need to consider whether she’s comfortable and accepting of what’s going on. It is not an achievement, it’s an unrealistic expectation. At worst, it’s a sign that she’s not ready and you need to back that truck up.

Not all vaginas are the same. Just like humans in general, they come in different sizes and shapes, some are tilted, some are narrower or wider, some are deeper than others. Some may be naturally tighter than others. When you have sex with a new partner, it’s going to feel different than your last one because they are, in fact, a different person. Bodies also change over time, we age, we get sick and heal, we lose and gain weight, and our hormones change.

Now, there are things that can effect the elasticity of the vaginal muscles. None of them are penises. Unless your penis is the size of literal human baby, it is not having any lasting effect on my physical anatomy. Is this just another symptom of the patriarchy, men thinking their penises are so powerful they can physically alter women’s anatomy permanently? Sorry guys, your penis is not that special.

Sorry guys, your penis is not that special.

I can’t figure out what these people imagine happens after childbirth. If the logic of the loose vagina is true, wouldn’t that mean that once a woman has had a baby, she is walking around with some enormous, baby-sized cavity inside her? Exactly how big do you imagine vaginas actually are? Or is this just another situation where nature knows what caused the muscles to relax, so gives permission for them to tighten up again?

The only possible ways vaginal muscles could become permanently loose are through excessive childbirth and natural fatigue of the muscles. If you’ve had 12 babies? Your muscles are probably tired and maybe not as elastic as they used to be. Menopause, injuries, and serious illnesses like cancer can actually affect the pelvic floor muscles and elasticity of a vagina. Penises, no matter how magical, can not.

In true puritan misogynistic form, the myth of the loose vagina is inexplicably centered on the idea that having sex with the same person a lot of times does not cause the loosening. Having sex with lots of different men, on the other hand, will cause the vagina to expand like one of those compressed washcloths the size of a Tylenol PM that expands when placed in water.

Is it some kind of sorcery where the powers that be are notified each time a new penis enters, and press a button to loosen the vagina a bit more?

Is this because all of the penises are different shapes? Is it like my dad told me about the locks in the car when I incessantly clicked them, and a vagina only has so many shape changes in it, and once they’re used up we are all shit out of luck? Or is it some kind of sorcery where the powers that be are notified (I imagine by some small chime) each time a new penis enters, and press a button to loosen the vagina a bit more? Maybe it’s the magical power of chastity followed by monogamy that somehow keeps the vagina ready and tight for our one and only?

How is it that people can accept that we poop somewhere between 100 and 1,000 per year and we don’t all have wind tunnels for rectums; but the idea that a vagina gets loose after having sex way fewer times than that is still widely accepted? What mad world are we living in that this makes sense to anybody?

Calling a woman “loose” as an insult is lazy anyway. Is that really the most creative thing that you could think of? It’s a pretty low bar, to be honest. I mean, if you think I’m too loose to be with I guess that mean I’m just one more woman you won’t get to put your dick in? Fine with me, bro. But isn’t your hand really loose after using it so often? Oh right, that’s not how muscles work.

I definitely don’t care what you think about my sex life, or about my fantastic vagina.

Slut shaming is so boring. Oh my gosh, a man placing a value judgement on the amount of sex and number of sexual partners you think a woman should be having? Shocking! Spoiler alert: knowing basic human anatomy and physiology is way more surprising than acting superior. I might care that you took the time to educate yourself, but I definitely don’t care what you think about my sex life, or about my fantastic vagina.

Don’t miss a thing! Sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

You might also enjoy…