Compassion in Action: Healing Your Most Extreme Parts
Learn how to extend compassion to your most extreme parts and guide them towards transformation.
“I’m just so tired of this inner voice talking down on me,” my client said, “I want to get rid of it and move past it. I don’t want to listen to it anymore.”
Sound relatable?
It’s very natural to have self-critical parts of you, and to have other parts of you that hate the inner critic. But my client’s story doesn’t stop here…
After making a little conversation with this critical part inside of her, she came to realize that this inner critic doesn’t even like playing this critical role, it’s just scared of what would happen if it stopped.
So my client asked their critical part what it is afraid would happen if it stopped being so critical.
The part said, “You’ll try things and fail at them and be a disappointment.”
My client started crying because the feeling of being a disappointment was one of the worst feelings she has ever experienced.
Even though she didn’t condone the criticism, she came to validate this critical part’s intention to protect her from the intense feelings of being a disappointment.
Once this critical part felt understood by her, it softened. It started smiling at her. It was grateful that she was finally listening and finally understanding that it was trying to protect her all this time. And it felt hopeful that she would be able to help it finally feel safe enough to not have to play such a critical role anymore.
At the beginning of this session, my client was overwhelmed by how full and tight and overwhelming her inner world felt. By the end, she was remarking about how spacious and quiet and calm it felt inside.
This is the power of Parts Work.
Um, Parts Work?
Parts Work is a cutting-edge psychological methodology that is also rooted in ancient shamanic and indigenous traditions.
It describes the overall ideology of our inner world (or our psyche) being made up of multiple parts as opposed to one solitary “you” in there.
It’s a common misconception that there should only be one voice in your head, only one feeling you’re feeling, only one thought you are thinking.
In reality, you have a whole bunch of different parts of you that live in your inner world, and all of these different parts of you have different roles and responsibilities.
And all your parts are trying to help protect you and meet a need, even if it might seem like they’ve got a real backwards way of trying to go about it (like the case of the inner critic).
Parts Work is the work of getting to know the different parts of yourself, helping them heal, and learn to work with each other instead of against each other.
The path to more healing is to let more love in. And the best place to start with that is through telling a more compassionate story of how your parts came to be the way they are.
A more compassionate story about why you are the way you are
All your parts are born playing naturally helpful roles like helping you play, helping you create, connect with others, and get your physical needs met.
Their roles were helpful in both intention and outcome.
But somewhere along the line your parts got the message,
“No, no, no. It is not okay for you to be you as you are. In order to get your needs met, in order to be loved, in order to literally survive, you must be ________.”
Fill in the blank with whatever message you were told about who you were supposed to be in order to be safe — in order to survive.
Maybe it was “nice” or “quiet” or “tough” or “charming” or “funny” or “good.” Admirable. Powerful. Emotionless. Perfect. Maybe you had to have all the answers. You name whatever it was for you.
(For me, a big one was admirable. As long as I was admirable. And as long as I was tough, then I would be okay. Then I would get love.)
When you got this message, your parts twisted away from their natural, innocent roles they were born playing because they basically got the message, “It is not safe to exist like this.”
They twisted into roles that will help you become somebody that is more like how you need to be in order to survive and be worthy of love.
But here is a very important part of this story: While the outcome or behavior of your parts’ roles changed, the intention of all of your parts has still only ever been trying to protect you, get your needs met, and experience love in this crazy world.
The only thing that’s changed is your parts came to the understanding that they can’t be themselves to get love, that they need to change and that certain parts need to be hidden and other parts need to have a louder voice.
Who you are today
Who you are today, the current state your parts are in, is not because there is something wrong with your parts or because they are trying to mess you up.
You are how you are today because your parts have only been doing their very best to help you be who you think you’re supposed to be in order to be safe and worthy of love and in order to get your needs met.
The new roles your parts twisted into when you went into survival mode might not be helpful in the outcome (like the case of an inner critic or an emotional eating part), but their intention is still to be helpful.
No matter how your parts had to twist to help you survive, they twisted in that way to protect you.
(Don’t believe me? See for yourself by filling out this free Meet A Part Of You Worksheet.)
You didn’t ask to endure what you did
Growing up, your parts never asked for anything any other kid wouldn’t have asked for. You were just asking to be seen, to be loved, to get your needs met.
You didn’t ask for your trauma. Your parts didn’t ask for your trauma. Nobody asks for that. Your parts have always been doing their very, very best to adapt to this world you are living in.
Your most extreme parts
Here’s the thing: your parts didn’t twist away from their natural roles any more than was absolutely necessary.
Some of your parts might be playing fairly extreme roles in your inner world, but that is in direct proportion to how extreme the circumstances they have endured were.
If you’ve got some parts that show up with very extreme thoughts and behaviors, it’s not because they’re trying to mess with you or because something is wrong with them. It’s because they have been through some tough experiences, and they have only ever been doing their very best to help you navigate that.
The more extreme the danger they perceived you to be in back then, the more extreme they twisted to protect you.
In this way, your most extreme parts are actually the ones that are most in need of compassion. They are most in need of love, of understanding, of safety.
Parts Work is how you bring safety to the parts of you stuck in survival mode so together you can live in a state of thriving.
Your parts are tired
As you begin your Parts Work practice and start talking to some of your very own parts, you’ll likely come to understand that a lot of them don’t even want to play the roles they are currently playing. They are exhausted.
But they are also terrified of what would happen if they stopped playing these roles — if they stopped judging, if they stopped shaming you, if they let themselves open up to love and hope again.
They are terrified of what would happen if they did that because they don’t feel safe. And honestly, given what they’ve gone through, why would they?
Healing your most extreme parts
You are not your own fault. But you are your own responsibility.
It is your responsibility to create that safety for even your most extreme parts in your inner and outer worlds so they can take a break from their exhausting roles and be able to experience more love.
Because if you don’t do that for yourself, nobody will.
I can show you how to do it. I can show you how I’m doing it. I can walk along with you on the path as you do it. But I cannot move that mountain for you. Nobody can.
At the end of the day, it is your responsibility to reconnect your parts with your Essence, to do the inner and outer work, to help your parts feel safe enough to soften back into their natural roles or into roles that they actually want to play.
I created an entire course that will help you set even your most extreme parts free, and it walks you through the process step-by-step until all your parts are free. It’s called Parts Work Academy and you can learn more about it here.
Meet a part of you
Want to get to know your very first part, but don’t know where to start?
You’re in luck!
I created a whole worksheet that will walk you through the process of identifying and getting to know a part of you step-by-simple-step.
It’s called the Meet A Part Of You Worksheet and you can download it for free right here.
(Some folks have said this worksheet has completely transformed the way they experience themselves so…be prepared).
More Parts Work, please!
Here are even more helpful Parts Work articles:a
