SELF-IMPROVEMENT

Come Back Here with My Identity

Day 29, 50 questions for deep self-reflection

This is day 29 of the 50 Questions for Deep Self-Reflection challenge from Know Thyself Heal Thyself created by Diana C.

DAY TWENTY-NINE: In what ways do you allow people in your space to treat you poorly?

Allowing the problem to be

This might be the first question in this challenge that isn’t seeking a solution. It isn’t seeking how I can improve but simply asking me to acknowledge something. And I really like that. I think that too often, we seek a solution without knowing what the problem is. And if you don’t know the problem, you really can’t find the solution. Having said that, I’m a firm believer that no problem exists without a solution already being available. But I like this question because it’s not seeking the solution. So I’m not going to go there. I’m simply going to answer the question and acknowledge what it brings up for me.

It’s a really important thing to remember to acknowledge our emotions, our feelings, our responses, our triggers, without necessarily trying to fix them, because there’s nothing wrong with us, there is nothing broken. Sometimes it is good to step back and say, “Ah, that’s kind of crappy. Okay.” Because the solution comes from understanding why it feels crappy, not from the crappy thing that’s happening itself. Having said that, let’s dive into my emotional bag to answer this question.

In what ways do I allow people in my space to treat me poorly?

I’ll start by saying, in a lot less ways than I used to, that’s for sure, but I’ll also say that now, in a lot of situations, I make the choice to allow someone to treat me poorly. That might seem a little counterintuitive, that might seem like a bad thing, but compared to my first 45 years of people treating me poorly without it being my choice, it’s a huge improvement. In my choice, I’m not choosing to allow them to treat me poorly as such, I’m simply choosing to not react to something that I know it’s not about me.

Wait… I’m rambling (ie/ avoiding)

I am so completely aware that all of the above has been babble in the avoidance of the actual question, so let’s get back on track. This is a tough one. And I’ll be honest, this is my third attempt to answer it, which tells me a lot. So, let’s get real. I’m going to take a deep breath and just allow myself to answer this intuitively.

Q: In what ways do I allow people in my space to treat me poorly?

A: I allowed them to take my identity

Ouch! Well, I didn’t expect to say that, but there you go. Alright, let’s explore that. I allowed them to take my identity. What does that mean? I know what it meant in the past. But as I mentioned, there wasn’t as much of a choice as there is now but then again, am I really making a choice? Or am I simply convincing myself that I am, so that I feel better about it?

Damn. Oh, damn!

I gave over my identity and allowed another to be created — one that fit in, one that ticked the boxes, one that met expectations (at least somewhat). Is that what I’m doing now? Am I still allowing people to take my identity just to meet their expectations? And if I am, for what means, for what purpose?

• To not stand out
• To fit in
• To not be seen as ‘other’
• To not be bullied
• To not be treated poorly

And there we’ve come full circle!

I allow people to treat me poorly by meeting their expectations.

Well, that happened

Damn it! I thought I was over that. I thought I’d progressed past people-pleasing and adapting to meet the expectations of others, but it seems I’m still doing it. In what ways?

In what ways do I allow people in my space to treat my poorly by meeting their expectations?

• By monitoring what I say and do. For example, like I said, this is the third attempt at answering this question. The first two attempts, I was trying to meet your expectations.
• By allowing people to misgender me (I am non-binary) and just ‘letting it go’ because it doesn’t matter. But doesn’t it?
• By hiding who I am and being afraid to share the thing that’s made me so happy and changed my life with those I claim to call close.
• By sheltering myself from judgment.

By protecting myself from people treating me poorly, I allow them to treat me poorly!

Well, damn, that happened.

If you are interested in the journey so far — all the days that came before, I’ve collected all the article links here:

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