Co-Creating a Liberated Reality

On the magic of finding the perfect spiritual group

Although I often say “I’ve never been a joiner,” that’s not exactly the truth. My differences and peculiarities have made it difficult for me to fit in and function well in groups. From that statement alone, the careful reader will glean that I’ve unsuccessfully tried to join in on the “fun,” and I have tried. On numerous occasions.

Perhaps you’ve heard it said — “Inside every cynic, there’s a frustrated romantic.” Based purely on my own experience, I tend to believe there’s truth in that.

Also along those lines, perhaps it could be said that “Inside every loner, there’s a frustrated joiner.” Maybe it’s being so frustrated at joining that has made me such an avowed loner. It’s a nature vs. nurture, chicken vs. egg sort of thing.

Nonetheless, here I am.

I’ve often written about my lifelong struggle with mental illness. My chronic anxiety and depression became salient features in my life when I was 8 years old. Add to that Autism Spectrum Disorder (undiagnosed until very recently) and hyperhidrosis (which means I drip sweat nearly incessantly), and you have an uncomfortable person who isn’t, by nature, Ms. Congeniality.

I’m telling you this as preamble to what I’m about to say. Those of us who are true “loners” and “misfits” often have souls pockmarked with barely scabbed-over scars inflicted throughout our lifetimes by enthusiastic joiners. We’ve been chosen last for teams, teased and ridiculed because of our differences, avoided and not invited to things by the cool kids/joiners our whole lives. At some point we came to say, “Don’t bother. We can make it just fine alone, thank you.”

So I write about my own experiences in hopes that you’ll understand the gravity with which I take any recommendation about joining much of anything. My general response to any such suggestion is a quick, “no thank you, I’m not a joiner.” It’s almost like a badge of honor, isn’t it? Call it the revenge of the weirdo. I’d rather not be in your club. Thanks anyway.

Getting Better All the Time

In addition, or perhaps as an antidote, to documenting my mental health/life struggles, I’ve been writing for the last several months about the personal/spiritual transformation I’ve undergone in the wake of the pandemic. It has been profound, and for the first time in nearly five decades on earth, I’m happy.

In the midst of that alchemical transformation, in the autumn of 2021, I got an urge to be part of a “spiritual group.” I wasn’t even sure what that would look like, but I knew that the pandemic had made “joining” easier for me. The wonders of Zoom had made it such that I could participate without feeling that gripping dread and fear of social anxiety that’s dominated most of my life.

I also knew that I wanted to bond with people who were aligned with my goals. And I wanted that bond to be accompanied by a commitment of some sort. A commitment to be honest with one another, and to be intentional about our communication and the ways we could and would treat and support one another.

It became a goal that I was determined to realize in 2022, though I didn’t know where to start. I created the intention and kept myself open to possibilities.

My Socio-spiritual Reality

I’m not churchy, nor religious, but I am a deeply spiritual person.

Growing up in rural Texas, my family was the only one I knew that didn’t go to church, and I didn’t know why. I went to church with other children because I wanted to fit in. I also loved the idea of everyone getting together in a special building to talk about otherworldly things.

The little flutters in my chest that happened when I got really quiet and thought about Jesus were my favorite feeling, and proof to my little child’s mind that I was a Christian, and that Jesus and I had a special thing going.

But I didn’t like the bellowing from the men in the pulpits. I definitely didn’t like the way the pastor talked about people who didn’t believe in the exact same way he did. And it struck me odd, even then, that they were taking up a collection to send missionaries to Hawaii.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Things occurred, primarily adolescence. My “differences” became even starker and harder to hide, just as my desire to obliterate them altogether reached peak intensity.

I was a quiet and deep-thinking child, and a lot of the Christian rhetoric wasn’t adding up for me.

Then, when I was 15, my friend Paul died in a drunk driving accident and my Christian friends were quick to assure me that he was now in hell because they had doubts as to whether he’d TRULY accepted Christ as his lord and savior.

I stopped calling myself a Christian then, but I never broke up with Jesus. I guess you could say I keep our thing on the DL.

So the idea of joining anything now that even remotely resembled a “congregation” was out. Where would I even search for a spiritual group? That’s when I had one of those moments when my Better Version of Me (BVoM) — my higher, magical self — chimed in, as she’s wont to do at such times.

“Don’t search,” she told me. And because I’m FINALLY getting in the habit of listening to her, I didn’t search. Too much.

I did look into a couple of different groups that immediately felt wrong. Not wrong like “bad,” just not right for me. And then I put the idea on the backburner.

Weeks later I was in my car & and listening to one of my favorite podcasts. The enchanting & intriguing guest was sparking in me that fluttery Jesus-y feeling I’ve chased since childhood. But now I’ve come to recognize that feeling as being about much, much more than one man, no matter how holy.

It’s the feeling of witnessing, or better yet, being connected to something so vibrationally pure and good that it makes you go all gooey inside. For no rational reason, you feel good and hopeful. It can feel miraculous.

Sometimes those moments and the things that spark them are referred to as “glimmers,” and they’re different for everyone, but there are some common ones: a smiling baby, a playing puppy, a choir singing, moving art, a beautiful view of nature, a wonderful conversation…you get the idea.

The podcast guest’s words that lit the spark were about a spiritual group she would be starting in the new year, and how she was excited about the idea & hoped people would join.

What was that I said about not being a joiner? Well, in this case I could not wait to join. Actually, to be perfectly honest, it seemed too good to be true. I thought something along the lines of “this is out of my league.” But my #BVoM gently thumped me and pushed me to take a look at the link the podcast guest provided.

Dear Reader, I joined.

The rest has been personal history.

We meet every other week via Zoom, and have been doing so all year. We also have a group chat that’s quite active, and we follow one another on social media. These people have become very, very dear to me, and our relationship(s) has continued to grow and deepen.

It’s difficult to articulate what, exactly, this group has done for me. I would say it’s far exceeded my expectations, but I don’t think I really had concrete expectations.

What’s important about the group, I think, is what I mentioned above in describing what it was I was looking for. We’re all trying to be better, more evolved people. We’re all attempting to live intentionally, in joy and power, while helping others do the same. And we’re all committed to checking our egos in favor of doing profound healing work together.

So that’s my “joining” success story. Of all the things I’ve ever attempted to join, I’m so glad this is the one that stuck.

And I’m so deeply grateful to the members of my spiritual group. We are truly co-creating our own liberated realities. Isn’t it groovy?

❤️ Like what you read? My tip jar is open!