Closet Floor Cry
I broke down in complete surrender, gratitude, and reflection on a dream still on hold but never leaving my path.
Yesterday, I went into my bedroom closet to put some clean laundry away. Something inside pulled me to the ground where I sat beside dusty file boxes, completed business plans, organized supply names, and resources, and filled journals of carefully detailed ideas for my coffee shop venture.
Surrounded by clothes and shoes that dress me through my day, I flipped through a past still dangling before me. Menu’s, blueprints, suppliers picked out, and contacts who came to life through meetings, advice, and decisions made; receipts from the mechanic for my coffee bus who ran off with over $1500 even with excellent references. It was all happening till it wasn’t.
Tears welled up in my eyes. I broke down. My mind sees the ingredients coming together of each item listed on my menu as I have made them countless times in preparation. I can smell the pungent aroma of mixing spices that tickle my nose and feel my lips widen my smile. I sneeze from the dusty files and continue to read from my journals with growing pleasure.
Time to reflect
At that moment, on my closet floor, I felt a tremendous sense of loss for a dream that was so close. I let go of physical items like my mobile coffee bus and my identity connected to my worth by being able to completing my goal or not in a time I set as an expectation.
I believe it is in God’s plan for me one day because He wouldn’t let me hold such a powerful passion all this time with such intricate detail on such a grand scale and purpose if He wanted me never to walk that path. I wasn’t wandering for 40 years in the desert. I was listening, preparing, and taking steps as I followed God’s lead and pressing pause when He called me elsewhere.
Lessons I learned
As time has passed, when I pray for patience, God gives me the opportunities to practice it. Age doesn’t always bring maturity but persistence, faith, and lived experiences enhance our ability to see the wisdom of taking our time. I have gained new perspectives on my journey with growing support and encouragement from family and friends in each calling I follow.
I believe God was healing my spirit during this long planning phase to take on a mission bigger than me without the distractions of an Eating Disorder and a myriad of daily questions of my worth and if I could care for others when I couldn’t even care for myself.
Time to evolve
I am approaching 50 years old, and my evolution is taking place. How much time do I have left on this Earth? How much time do you have? The answer always eludes us but is a gift of presence, today’s passion, purpose in the now, and power in mind. We can unleash gratitude and compassion throughout the world.
I have lived through mental, emotional, physical, and financial struggles. My today will never live like my yesterdays. I now decide what I will accept from others’ toxic behaviors, misguided intentions, and what is no longer acceptable so my spiritual evolution may continue. Forgiveness doesn’t permit it to continue.
Creating space between myself and other harmful or triggering influences clear my path to honor the experiences no matter how painful and what they taught me.
I will continue to follow God’s path and stay His course, climbing with His strength within me.
Lifting my head with today’s tears final fall
As projects approach, my heart expands to fulfill His need and my outreach.
My tears, sitting here now, hold the sweat of purpose and passion alert and ready to do God’s will.
Thank you for reading. I appreciate your attention. Please check out my profile article for more articles and poems to enjoy.
Please consider joining Medium through my link for only $5 per month.
If you would like to support me in contributing to this wonderful writing community and other passion projects, you can buy me a coffee at www.buymeacoffee.com/NSponsel, so I have more stamina to fuel my better writing ahead.
