Ch. 24: Mine Yo’ Bizness
How wise words from a white wizard helps a black man find a proper perspective
Author’s note: this is the 24th chapter in my satirical memoir “Dungeons ’n’ Durags: One Black Nerd’s Epic Quest of Self-discovery, Racial Identity, and Crisis of Faith in Trump’s America.” Although many of the chapters work perfectly fine autonomously, some are best experienced with context. This is one such chapter.
If you’re all caught up, you can skip the “Previously on” intro and drop down to “where the story picks up.”
Previously, on Dungeons ’n’ Durags…
My name is Ron. I’m a black man who has lived my entire adult life in a white world. Up until November 2016, that was fine. Then the 2016 presidential election threw me for a loop. Friends I thought I knew were saying shit I never dreamed they believed. I had to speak out and I became the proverbial “angry black man!” (dun, dun, DUNNNNNN!) The once nice, apolitical, Christian, “white safe” Ron was calling white people on their privilege, fellow Christians on their hypocrisy, and causing a ruckus.
Miraculously, an angel dressed as Sam Jackson’s character Jules from “Pulp Fiction” has come to help me “be more black.” (It’s quite possible he’s actually a devil. The jury is still out on that.) I’ve also been visited by the Voice of Morgan Freeman (just the voice, not the man). He always gives me what seems like a more level-headed view on things. In a strange way, Sam and the Voice of Morgan Freeman have been my own personal Malcolm X and Martin Luther King Jr., respectively. Each giving me a different perspective on how to connect with my blackness. As you might imagine, it all can get quite confusing.
There was a time when I was the butt of black folks’ jokes because of how I talked and dressed. Who knows, perhaps that is why for so many years I shied away from large groups of black people. But then, in the spring of ’95, I wrote and directed a short film (Just Friends) with an all-black cast and nearly all-black crew (there was one white). The set of the shoot was like going to a comedy club every night as all these close friends clowned and clapped back at one another. It was a reminder to me that “This is how my people relate to each other.” Among those “family” of friends joking and teasing each other (and teasing me too), I for the first time felt…accepted. Even in my non-blackness.
And it was then I realized that the secret of the film-shoot was safety. I thought to myself:
I wonder what this country would be like if it were like the set of Just Friends — a safe place where every man and woman, regardless of race, religion, or political persuasion, could feel safe to say what they think and feel, and know that they would still be validated, acknowledged, or loved.
And just as I thought that, who should surprisingly show up, but Sam.
Sam: That is such a beautiful and touching sentiment Ronald.
And that’s where our story picks up.
Me: What the FUCK! Geeze-us! Why the frak do you do that?Sam: How is it that in one fucking sentence you go from saying “fuck” to “frak”? Goddamn nigga. It’s like some kind of emergency profanity alert goes off in your brain or something and literally prevents you from dropping an f-bomb more than once in a sentence.Me: I don’t know what it is. It just doesn’t feel right in my skin I guess. Anyway, don’t change the freaking subject.Sam laughs at my penchant to iterate the euphemisms I use in lieu of the “f” word.
Me: What is it you want now?Sam: I just wanted to drop in and say how touching and beautiful that sentiment was. You know, that thing about people feeling safe and shit.Me: Oh really. That’s what you’re doing here?Sam: Yes.Me: I don’t believe you.Sam: Why? Can’t I come down here and…Me: You keep saying “Come down.” Are you sure you’re not coming up?Sam: Are you implying I’m some kind of devil or demon or something, coming up from hell?He makes a classic pose like Nosferatu as he says this.
Me: Well, I don’t think you’re beaming down from a starship. And I sure as hell don’t think you’re an angel.Sam: Oh, yeah, based on what?Me: Really? I need to explain it?Sam: Yeah muthafucka. You tell me why the hell you assume you know so much about angels and shit. You ever see one?Me: Well, of course not.Sam: Then shut the fuck up about shit you don’t know.Me: You see. I don’t think an angel would talk like that.Sam: Again, upon what theological premise are you basing that hypothesis about the linguistic habits of cherubim and seraphim?Me: Why in the world would an angel, a servant of the Holy God, use such foul language?Sam: First, who says the language is foul? Second, even if it is, who says angels can’t, don’t, or wouldn’t use it?Me: I believe it’s Ephesians 4:29 that says “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”Sam: Ain’t that what I been doin’ with you since I got on the scene? Building you up?Me: You’re joking, right?Sam: Am I?Me: Aren’t you?Sam: So, you’re saying that if you say “Frak” instead of “fuck,” that absolves you of “unwholesome talk?”Me: From a certain point of view, yes.Sam: But, if you were on Battlestar Galactica, “frak” would sound just as bad as “fuck.” Correct?Me: I guess. Sure. But that’s not even a real thing. So, using a made-up bad word is not the same as using a real bad word.Sam: But the only thing that makes it bad is your perception of it. If the first word a baby hears is “fuck,” there is nothing empirically wrong or off to that baby. It’s just another sound.I can’t help but think of the very first time I ever uttered a bit of profanity. Back at my babysitter’s. Remember? The other kids told me to say “shit,” I did, not knowing what it meant. Then I was overheard by the babysitter who took me to the bathroom and had my mouth washed out with soap. It left such an indelible effect on me, now over 40 years later, I still remember it. Could that be the origin of my issue?
Me: Yes, Sam. I suppose you’re right. It’s just a word. So please, tell me. Why the fuck are you down here again?Sam: I told you. I thought that shi…., excuse me. That stuff you said about feeling safe was really moving. And I wanted to compliment you.I sit and stare at him for a few moments. Trying to figure out if he’s telling the truth.
Me: So, then, may I go back to telling the story.Sam: By all means.Sam sits back and puts his hands behind his head. I stop and try to remember where I was going, but can’t.
Me: Fuck it. I can’t even remember now. See what you did muthafucka?Sam applauds.
Sam: Well done Ronald. Two f-bombs in one muthafuckin’ sentence. My nigaa.Me: You are DEFINITELY no angel.Sam: Look, I was a tad disingenuous when I said earlier I was just down here to compliment you.Me: No shit. And?Sam: Well, you were saying, what would it be like if the world were a safe place for everyone to speak their mind.Me: Yes?Sam: Everyone?Me: That’s the idea. Are there some people you would prefer NOT to feel safe to speak their mind?Sam: Are there ANY people YOU can think of for whom it would probably be best NOT to feel safe to speak their mind?Me: Obviously not, or else I wouldn’t say it.Sam leans in close to me, looks me in the eye, and says…
Sam: And that is why you fail.Me: What? Are you the black Yoda now?Sam: I can tell you right the fuck now who I don’t want feeling safe. Racist muthafuckas who for the past four years have felt “safe” to come out of their racist closets and say and do every fucking racist thing.Me: I think you’re missing my point Sam.Sam: No, as usual, you’re missing mine.Voice of Morgan Freeman: I actually think he knows your point very well.It’s been a minute, but out of nowhere comes the voice of Morgan Freeman.
Sam wastes no time turning his attention to the sky.
Sam: Man. Not this nigga again. Morgan? ? You barely show up in this nigga’s life and right when I’m about to make a very salient point, you gotta intrude and stick your iconic-ass voice where no one asked for it. Can’t you mind yo’ own damn bizness?Me: Why is it you think you’re the only one allowed to have an opinion about situations like this?Sam: It’s not that I think I’m the only one allowed to have an opinion. I’m just the only muthafucka up in here making any goddamn sense. We have your confused ass acting like some fuckin’ wannabe Huey P. Newton one minute and Mahatma Gandhi the next. Then we have this jive turkey booming down from, what, heaven or some shit, butting in at the least helpful times.Me: Wait. Did you just say “jive turkey”?Sam: Excuse me?Me: You just called the voice of Morgan Freeman “jive turkey.”Sam: So.Me: So… that seems very, I don’t know, out-dated of you. I mean, besides that fucked up jheri curl on your head, for the most part you normally seem to have a more contemporary use of urban vernacular. But, “jive turkey?” Are you channeling Redd Foxx now? J.J. Walker? I think whatever demon, imp, angel or whatever the hell is under there, that Samuel L. Jackson veneer is crackin’.The voice of Morgan Freeman starts to chuckle. Sam addresses the sky.
Sam: And what do you think is so funny? Don’t you go encouraging this shit!Sam turns his attention back to me.
Sam: Oh, so you think you’re a jokester now? I’m just some clown you can make fun of, huh? I’ve come all this way because I genuinely care about the cause you’re fighting for, man. I see a spark in you and I want to ignite it. And this is how you treat me? Man, dawg. I had you wrong. I thought there was a decent human being under there. You know, someone with empathy and a sense of honor and integrity. Wow! I can see I was wrong about that shit.For the first time I feel guilty. Really, really guilty. Was he right? Had I really given up and sacrificed that part of me that is honorable, just, and forthright? Had I gotten so cold-hearted and callous that I no longer cared about people’s feelings? Even Samuel L. Jackson’s? I start to drop my head in shame when Sam starts cracking up.
Sam: Ahhhh shit! Man. You should’ve seen the look on your face. Damn, were you about to cry and shit? AAAAAAHHHH. That shit was funny!Me: Are you fucking kidding me?Sam: What? Can’t take a little joke Ronald? Is it really that easy to get you to feel sorry for someone who, according to you, has been your adversary? A few seemingly heartfelt words and a sullen face, and all is forgiven with you?Me: You’re fucking twisted, you know that? Why are you even here?! WHAT IS YOUR POINT?!
Sam: Figure it out muthafucka! FIGURE. IT. OUT!And with a puff of smoke, Sam is gone.
I stand there, reeling with anger and breathing heavily.
VOMF: How are you feeling son?Me: Oh, hey Morgan. I forgot you were here. I don’t know how I’m feeling to be honest with you.VOMF: It seems like what Sam said really bothered you.Me: I don’t know what it is about him. On the surface he seems like this clichéd narrative device in my life to make me look at issues that are too hard to look at as myself. Like I need him to be some kind of proxy for my conscience.VOMF: That would be a little too “on the nose,” don’t you think?Me: Exactly! Way too on the nose. So then I think that maybe he’s just a way for me to provide some levity in this heavy time of my life. I mean, there is some really tough shit going on in my life now. It goes way beyond just that asshole we have in the White House.VOMF: Oh yeah. Like what else?Me: Like, for over 20 years I’ve been so assured in my faith. I used to lead those “check out Christianity” dinners like Alpha. I was the guy getting online and defending the faith with all the best apologetic arguments from Augustine to Zacharias. But lately, I’ve been in a serious season of doubt.VOMF: All because of the evangelical support of Trump?Me: Well, if I’m being honest, it started before that. But, I think it’s safe to say his support and damn-near-worshipped status by evangelicals in this country has seriously exacerbated the situation.VOMF: I can imagine that must be hard for you. In many ways, you’re going through a couple of existential crises. One of racial identity and one of faith.Me: Yeah. I think you’re right Voice of Morgan Freeman. I think you’re right.VOMF: I wonder if I might not be able to offer you a small bit of advice. If you would allow me.Me: That would be wonderful. I would like that a lot. I could use some from someone other than that Frankenstein-like combination of a Dickens ghost and a poorly written Reginald Hudlin character.VOMF: Now, if I recall, you’re somewhat of a sci-fi/fantasy fan, are you not?Me: Yes, absolutely.VOMF: Well, would it be safe to say you’ve seen The Fellowship of the Ring? You know, the first Lord of the Rings movie.I’m a little confused as to where the Voice of Morgan Freeman is going with this. But I play along.
Me: Yes. Of course? One of my faves.VOMF: Good. Good. Now, then I bet you remember the scene when the Fellowship was in the Mines of Moria and they came to a junction in the path where they weren’t sure where to go.Me: Yes. I remember that scene. But please don’t tell me you’re going to quote the line where Frodo says he wishes none of these things had happened, and then Gandalf tells him, “So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. Yadda, yadda, yadda.”Yes! Yes! So you remember that?
Me: Really, Morgan? That’s the advice you were going to give me? That’s, like, so predictable man. That’s really the best advice you got?VOMF: Tell me son, what’s wrong with that advice?Me: Nothing. It’s great advice. It’s a great line. It encapsulates a spiritual message that has flavors of many of the world’s religions. It’s one of my favorite lines from the movie. In fact, whether or not one claims any kind of spirituality, that line has truth.VOMF: Well, what’s with your negative reaction to my bringing it up then?Me: I don’t know. It’s just. I thought you were going to say something I didn’t already know. I was hoping you’d give me some insight that I haven’t heard before.VOMF: Well, why would I do that?Me: Excuse me?VOMF: Why would I tell you something brand new when the knowledge and wisdom you already have works perfectly fine? I was just going to remind you of it. You gotta learn son that not every lesson in life that moves you forward is one you haven’t heard before. Sometimes the best words of wisdom are the ones you have heard a thousand times, but you have to hear it again, and again, and again. The human spirit is stubborn, and we’re all too quick to forget the most important things in life. So, we have to be reminded.Me: I guess that makes sense. Yeah, I can see that.The Voice of Morgan Freeman was right. We’re all too quick to disregard and shrug off hearing something we’ve heard before. Sometimes we have to be reminded to be kind to strangers, to brush our teeth before going to bed, to say “I love you” to your wife, even if you’ve already said it multiple times that week. Or remember that there’s no use worrying about that which you can’t control. How you handle the things life throws you means everything.
Me: Morgan, could you do me a favor?VOMF: Sure son. Anything.Me: Would you recite that line? The one you were going to remind me about. Recite it to me in that meaningful, melodic, and memorable way that only you can.VOMF: Give me the cue.I clear my throat, take a deep breath, then summon my inner “Frodo.”
Me: I wish Trump had never been elected. I wish none of this had happened.And in that slow, deliberate, “Shawshank Redemption-esque” tone that made Zihuatanejo sound as sweet as honey, the Voice of Morgan Freeman replies.
VOMF: So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces in the world at work Ron besides the will of injustice and racism. Trump was meant to become president. In which case, you also were meant to have a spiritually challenging, self-discovery, and racial identity crisis. And that’s an encouraging thought.Me: Thank you Voice of Morgan Freeman.VOMF: My pleasure son.I can see now why the Voice of Morgan Freeman is in such high demand. It’s always so soothing and calming when I talk with him.
And I was about to have a revelation that would illustrate just how prescient his advice was?
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