TRANSGENDER
’Cause I’m an adult now — Lol, Jokes!
Reflecting on my transition journey this week
WEEK 62 CHECK-IN:
Trans Life Past: More eyebrows please. Apart from that, I think I just need to keep rolling with this momentum towards less fucks, less stuff, less doing, less things, less distractions and more desire, more want, more satisfaction
- No more eyebrows. Damn it. Lol. YET!!!
- Oh yeah, all the things! Read below in the ‘daily posts’ for the big thing that happened. Rather epic, just saying.
Priorities: 1. Embrace the stupid
- I embraced myself! Haha.
- I had a great idea for an article that randomly came to me when I was randomly thinking about a specific candy. It hit me that transitioning is like rebranding candy. So, I wrote that article and submitted it. I mean, it’s kind of stupid because I use candy as an analogy for transitioning, but it’s such a great analogy! And analogies are GREAT for teaching stupid people, lol. So I guess, I embraced the stupid people too? Lol.
- In unrelated (but totally related) news, lines from Pete in the edited version of #DearMoon (NUSA 0.5 out soon):
Stupid television with its stupid stupids.
Humans were hilarious. They spent so much time and effort applying for some show to torture them so that they could maybe win some money for being the douchebag that everyone hates the least.
There was a time when he would have given anything to be human, but that was before he realized that half of them just want to be unhuman, even if they hide that desire behind hatred and fear.
- Not that I’m saying my NUSA series is heavily analogously queer-coded, but it is. Lol.
2. Embrace the Lolz
- See above? Haha.
- Lolz is my natural state so not even sure why I had this one here.
3. Embrace the growth
- Always! Had therapy this week and as always, huge epiphanies came of it. In summary, you know how coaches, gurus, mentors, entrepreneurs, and you know, people, say you need to ‘own your failures’ to grow. Well, turns out, that’s not a problem for me. I own them and everyone else's. My thing is I need to learn to OWN MY SUCCESSES AND WINS! Well, damn!
T-Day and Beyond Daily Journal:
So here’s the thing… Yep, there’s a thing. I realized this week that, I’m a big person now. Or real. Or something. But none of those things, lol. Ok, let me explain. This week, I had the sensation of, I guess, being an adult for the first time in my life. But not like an ‘adult’ in a normative societal expectation way, but an adult as in, I’m not a ‘kid’ playing pretend anymore. Think about that, because it’s a pretty epic moment!
I’ll never ‘adult’ (verb). I’ll always kid (verb). But mentally, I’ve made a strange leap that I didn’t see coming. Is it the T? Yes, and a whole lot more. Have I ‘found’ all of me? Not even close, but I’m close-ER. I’ll never feel ‘real’ because to feel real is to be entirely associated with this physical existence and I just don’t vibe with that. And before anyone comments on that, please know that I LOVE that I don’t vibe with it, haha. But, I feel real-ER. Like, more associated into my own existential existence (as opposed to physical) if that makes sense.
Any other trans folx out there had this experience? Perhaps someone who has had time to reflect and can better verbalize it? It’s too new in my experience to aptly give it the true beauty that language can offer.
Anyway, the side-effect of that, and the point here, is that I don’t feel the need to report back daily anymore because my daily experience on T is no longer so vastly different than the day before. This page has just become, ‘what the hell did I do today?’ and my writing is more of a focus. It’s like the excitement of T has worn off and it’s given way to satisfaction, self-understanding, and calmness. Instead of being in kiddie school where everything is super over-the-top exciting, I’m at college, where everything is interesting and expansive. That may not be your school experience (it wasn’t even mine) but run with the metaphor, lol. When I started this two-year journal, EVERYTHING was new, exciting, and worthy of sharing. Now, I feel like posting just the weekly check-in is more than sufficient. It’s part of my organic growth and progression.
I created this journal to help those on a similar journey. At the start, it was sharing how T affected me every day. It was perfect for those starting T or thinking about T. I didn’t read stories like that and I wanted to. They weren’t written. At least, not as they happened. I read a lot of articles about ‘my first year on T,’ or ‘what I wished I knew before starting T’, but they were already written in the past tense. They were written once the person had already come out the other side. That’s why I NEEDED to journal my experience because that’s what I wished I could have read.
And now, here I am, 62 weeks on T, and sharing with you what it feels like, now. And, it’s nice. Nice is a good word for it because there is still more to come, but now, I feel more like me.
So, I’ll continue to check in every week. And if you have just started T, remember, this is where I am now. But it’s a very different place to where I was on day 1 of T. It’s all in this publication though. For my writing, I’m going to start putting that back over where it should be! The Character Collective. I want to get T-Day and Beyond back to what it was always meant to be — a sharing of my transition journey as it happens.
Once we hit two years this October, I’ll stop posting in here. Perhaps I’ll drop by for updates, but the journal will be done. It will stay live and I hope it will continue to serve its purpose. Until next week — *insert super wise words here, lol*.
This Week’s Articles:
And on to WEEK 63:
Trans Life Ahead: I’m finally on the move again! I’ve started back on my phentermine and I’m looking forward to coming off the zyrtec. With the move and getting back on phentermine, I’m going to focus on health again. T is creating muscle magic without much input from me so let’s see what happens when I HELP it.
Priorities: 1. Drink more water! 2. Register 35km on fitbit 3. 30 pushups/variations x 5 days
Dose: 3 Pumps/day (37.5mg)