Can We Let Go?

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Abstract

ef="https://readmedium.com/can-we-handle-male-sexuality-in-monogamous-hetero-relationships-b7e644da13e4">To release men from the judgments about <i>their </i>sexual need and expression</a>? <b>Can we learn to support one another’s sexual expression, instead?</b></p><p id="620b">Can we let go of the stigmas we have attached to sex workers? <b>Can we recognize them as fellow human beings who need the same legal protections as any other employee in any other industry might have? </b>Does anything else about this subject really matter?</p><p id="b49a">Can we let go of traditional gender roles that so often play out in relationships? Can we share housekeeping responsibilities? Can we share financial responsibilities? Can we lessen the pressure around what we’re supposed to look like in order to be sexy? Can we lessen the pressure around how we’re supposed to act (in <i>and </i>out of the bedroom) based on our gender?</p><p id="bd9d"><b>Can we please, <i>please </i>let go of the damaging and sexist generalizations about how men and women feel about sex? </b>Can we please <i>never say again</i> that <a href="https://readmedium.com/what-sexually-frustrated-men-need-to-understand-about-their-partners-3eee6d4d3bbe">women don’t like and don’t want sex</a>? Can we also stop perpetuating the false assertion that men <i>only </i>want sex and <i>always </i>want sex? Neither of these statements is true and they only pit us against each other.</p><p id="77b1">Can we let go of the anger we have toward one another — especially the anger between men and women? The culture in which we live specifically created<i> </i>circumstances that disempower us <i>all </i>and then framed the story in a way that makes our disempowerment look like the fault of the “other.” <b>Every time we buy into this, we make it true.</b> Can we instead recognize that we are not one another’s enemy, but necessary allies in the journey toward equality? That none of us can be free until we are <i>all </i>free?</p><p id="e356">Can we let go of all our notions about what sex is and what it should look like? <b>Can we meet in the bedroom with a beginner’s mind?</b> Is that even possible? Can we learn to see one another in a new light? Can we imagine sex without the prescriptive dance we’ve been taught? Without the trail markers we’ve been conditioned to reach? What would it look like without any structure? Without any expectation?</p><p id="db66"><b>Can we let go of who we think we are?</b> The labels we put on ourselves based on past experiences? What if those rejections define the one who re

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jected us, not ourselves? What if our divorces or breakups didn’t make us unlovable or failures at intimacy? What if our post-pregnancy bodies or roles as mothers didn’t define our sexuality or impede its expression? What if past trauma had no power over how we see ourselves today? What if we could create our sexual identity anew in every moment?</p><p id="58cc"><i>Can we let go? </i>Can we take off our clothes, be fully in our experience, let someone else see us in our vulnerability and just…<i>let go?</i></p><figure id="6c5f"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*cp7mmQjOhaxTjm5KhoDtYA.jpeg"><figcaption>Graphic: Yael Wolfe / Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@marcusdallcol?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Marcus Dall Col</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/moon-marcus?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure><p id="77ea"><b>This article was written for <a href="https://medium.com/sexography/howl/home"><i>Howl by Yael Wolfe</i></a>, a weekly column. </b>© <a href="undefined">Yael Wolfe</a> 2020</p><p id="80d9"><i>More <b>liberation </b>from <b>Howl </b>by Yael Wolfe:</i></p><div id="b295" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/the-revolutionary-act-of-pursuing-female-sexual-fulfillment-a8eb97a16b54"> <div> <div> <h2>The Revolutionary Act of Pursuing Female Sexual Fulfillment</h2> <div><h3>Women deserve to shamelessly pursue their orgasms — and to know how to do that!</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*aj-pk6K78sQY-O0Js6Yi7w.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="b24a" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/are-men-sexually-aggressive-or-unfairly-demonized-600c064dedd1"> <div> <div> <h2>Are Men Sexually Aggressive — or Unfairly Demonized?</h2> <div><h3>Condemnation of sexual behavior runs in both directions.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*m-3VsQS3uXdJmFcv6Wtd1A.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

A set of liberating sexual challenges to ponder

Can we let go of our insecurity around sex? The hopelessness we sometimes feel because who the hell can achieve the scripted, airbrushed, stylized ideal of sexiness that we see in the movies? Can we just accept that we live in sweaty, soft, blemished, gassy bodies that are nothing like the images in the movies and that sex is awkward and silly and messy and wonderful no matter how much we strive to meet that impossible ideal?

Can we let go of our desire? Experience it, but expect nothing to come of it? Can we let go of our assumption that the world owes us the satisfaction of our desire? That our partners — or someone who isn’t yet a partner — owes us that satisfaction? Can we let desire wash over us, instead, and let ourselves feel its uncomfortable hunger without rushing to satiate it? Can we let go of the idea that the function of desire is to be satisfied? Can we open our minds to what else it might inspire?

Can we let go of our chokehold on abstinence-only sex education? Data has proven that it doesn’t work and is causing all the problems we are trying to avoid (teen pregnancy and increased risk of transmitting STDs and STIs). Why do we demand our own sexual satisfaction and autonomy, yet deny this basic human right to our teenagers? They deserve the facts so they can make healthy choices for themselves.

Can we let go of our judgments of other people’s sexual expression? This one is especially hard, I realize, for women because all of our sexual expression has always been judged and our culture has encouraged that judgment. But knowing that, can we find a way to rise above it? To release other women from the chains of our ingrained judgment around sexuality? To release men from the judgments about their sexual need and expression? Can we learn to support one another’s sexual expression, instead?

Can we let go of the stigmas we have attached to sex workers? Can we recognize them as fellow human beings who need the same legal protections as any other employee in any other industry might have? Does anything else about this subject really matter?

Can we let go of traditional gender roles that so often play out in relationships? Can we share housekeeping responsibilities? Can we share financial responsibilities? Can we lessen the pressure around what we’re supposed to look like in order to be sexy? Can we lessen the pressure around how we’re supposed to act (in and out of the bedroom) based on our gender?

Can we please, please let go of the damaging and sexist generalizations about how men and women feel about sex? Can we please never say again that women don’t like and don’t want sex? Can we also stop perpetuating the false assertion that men only want sex and always want sex? Neither of these statements is true and they only pit us against each other.

Can we let go of the anger we have toward one another — especially the anger between men and women? The culture in which we live specifically created circumstances that disempower us all and then framed the story in a way that makes our disempowerment look like the fault of the “other.” Every time we buy into this, we make it true. Can we instead recognize that we are not one another’s enemy, but necessary allies in the journey toward equality? That none of us can be free until we are all free?

Can we let go of all our notions about what sex is and what it should look like? Can we meet in the bedroom with a beginner’s mind? Is that even possible? Can we learn to see one another in a new light? Can we imagine sex without the prescriptive dance we’ve been taught? Without the trail markers we’ve been conditioned to reach? What would it look like without any structure? Without any expectation?

Can we let go of who we think we are? The labels we put on ourselves based on past experiences? What if those rejections define the one who rejected us, not ourselves? What if our divorces or breakups didn’t make us unlovable or failures at intimacy? What if our post-pregnancy bodies or roles as mothers didn’t define our sexuality or impede its expression? What if past trauma had no power over how we see ourselves today? What if we could create our sexual identity anew in every moment?

Can we let go? Can we take off our clothes, be fully in our experience, let someone else see us in our vulnerability and just…let go?

Graphic: Yael Wolfe / Photo by Marcus Dall Col on Unsplash

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