Can We Be Sad and Happy…At the Same Time?

Yes, I believe it is part of being human and alive.

I've been crying nearly every day. One minute I’m smiling, then, unexpectedly, the slightest thing and I choke up.

Since the Linda Richman (Mike Myers) days of Saturday Night Live, we've called it verklempt in my family, but it's a real loan word borrowed from Yiddish.

To be verklempt is to be overwhelmed by emotion. You might be able to discern that someone is verklempt if he is choking back tears, unable to speak, or clenched because of intense emotions.—Grammarly

Why am I feeling so sad? You may wonder.

Because I'm in a life transition stage with all its accompanying memories and joy—looking back and gazing forward simultaneously.

Among the many benefits of having lived a long time is understanding that with every morning comes a night, with laughter, there will always be tears, and change often is not easy. I'm preparing to move thousands of miles, and four of my grown kids and my precious grandchildren will not all be within 20 miles as they are now.

I'm leaving friends behind and mountains of memories.

When I was young, I was afraid of most emotions.

Now I've learned to welcome feelings along with their ups and downs. Sadness, grief, loss, anger, fear, rage—all those words used to terrify me. I'd squash them down deep inside my safe and secret heart. Or at least I thought it was safe—and hidden.

But it wasn't. These buried feelings were germinating in their dark hiding place. Anger and bitterness sprouted into what I wrote about in the article Passive-Aggressive Really Isn't Funny. I gained 50 pounds, trying to ignore the fear and worry that kept me awake into the morning hours. Now I've learned to make friends with my emotions.

It's OK, I say to my heart. If you didn't hurt to leave the ones you love, that would be strange indeed.

When my grandson says, "Nana, we've always lived in the same state! It will be so strange not to have you here."

I agree, hug him close, and feel both love and sorrow. How fortunate I've been to share my life closely with my family.

I've saved every greeting card my loved ones have given me.

I have handmade cards from my brothers and sisters when I was a child. My children's little gift certificates promise to 'do the dishes' on my birthday. Sometimes when I'm feeling lonely, I pull out the box and feel the love radiating like sunshine into my being. I cry tears of joy for every moment we've spent together.

Do you ever listen to music when your heart is heavy?

I do. Leonard Cohen's Anthem reminds us there's a crack in everything; that's how the light gets in.

R.E.M.'s classic Everybody Hurts unites us in our shared humanity and reminds us we're not alone. Just me and YouTube playing the memories. Eventually, I end up with Ben E. King and Stand By Me, which gets me up and swaying with the sound.

Crying can be very therapeutic, I find.

If we feel unbearably sad, day after day, we may be slipping into more than a blue mood. If we feel more gloomy, not less, we need to talk to a trusted friend and consider calling a professional.

I consider myself fortunate to have an optimistic temperament and find it hard to be patient with myself as I cope with hard feelings. But, as I've learned to be kinder to myself, it's easier to be more accepting of others.

Life is offering me new opportunities.

By now, you may be wondering why I'm moving if it's so darned hard! But, sometimes, change is needed, and doors unexpectedly open to new adventures. I've carefully considered what's right for me at this stage of my life, and opportunity beckons.

I've already made plans for my grandchildren to visit, and I'll be racking up my frequent flyer miles. I couldn't make this move without the advantage of cell phones, virtual visits, and air travel. I believe my relationships will stay firm.

As we get older, we all agree that time moves more quickly. Balancing dreams and responsibility, joy and sorry—is not easy.

I am giving up toxic shame.

Learning that it's not wrong to do something for myself is hard. But I'm beginning to accept it doesn't make me a selfish person and that if I am not a perpetual caregiver, I still have worth. Writing my memoir has taken me down a road I never expected, but I'm working on giving up the toxic shame that had infiltrated my life.

So excuse me if I become verklempt. It won't last long — I'm genuinely excited and looking forward to new adventures. I'll be living near other dear family members, and I'm thrilled to have the chance to live close to nature in one of the most scenic spots in North America.

Taking care of others is fine, admirable, and often needed. But, if it's become your entire identity as I did, it's not good. Women, believe me—it's healthy to think about yourself.

Whether in geography or spirit, we can move forward, embracing both our feelings and our strength.

Cindy is writing a memoir of her adventures growing up on a homestead in Alaska, farming in the southwest, owning bookstores, etc. Access exclusive family photos here.