Passive-Aggressive Really Isn’t Funny

I was mad at myself but hurt the ones I love.

I’ve changed a lot the last few years — thank heavens! When I look back, I see my former self in a whole new light.

But I don’t beat myself up or shame myself for my flaws. Along with a Magic Mirror to see more clearly, I’ve gained an ability to empathize with myself and others.

Are you familiar with the Hero’s Journey?

Sometimes, my life seems to progress on an eerily similar path, following an unwitting arc through the years. The wonderful writer and teacher K.M. Weiland has been sharing a series using the Archetypal Character Arcs in our writing.

Suddenly, I saw what happens when we don’t complete part of our life’s mission. We need to learn a lesson so we can move to the next stage.

For instance, a hero can be, well…heroic, or she can be a passive coward or lash out in aggression to become a bully. Or what if she represses the lesson?

Does getting stuck make us passive-aggressive?

Last week, I wrote How I Discovered the Incredible Power of Vulnerability & Connection. During this part of my very uncomfortable yet healing, life journey I learned to accept the power of compassion.

In a mysterious reaction, I also found increased empathy and understanding for others.

I’d always thought of myself as a loving caretaker, willing to sacrifice all in service to my family and even strangers. Until I realized there was a dark shadow lurking behind my all too obvious altruism.

In fact, not only had I been judge-y, I often ‘helped’ in a vaguely passive-aggressive way. Not with sarcastic comments or outright aggression, just that highly annoying ‘I can do this better than you anyway’ attitude that’s even worse.

Somehow, my childhood behavior had caused me to need the satisfaction of being better than others to feed my weak self-confidence. It was sad.

My brave daughter-in-law called me on it.

“Mom, when you came over and offered to help me speed-clean my house, I felt that you were criticizing how I clean I kept my house. Instead of feeling loved, you made me feel judged.”

Bless her heart. She was absolutely right, and I’d never been willing to admit it before. If I said she was wrong, I’d be lying. Since I didn’t have the chutzpah to say what I was thinking directly, I hid my comments in helping…how sick is that?

I hated passive-aggressive people, and I realized— I was one.

I sincerely apologized and told her how much I appreciated her boldness and love. Though I wish I could say I’ve never done the same thing again, I’d be lying. It took another five years and almost dying to get through my thick Alaskan skull.

Researching the subject, I found the Passive-Aggressive Quiz and answered as my former self. Not good. At all. Because…

If you scored 19–36, you regularly employ passive-aggressive behavior to achieve your goals or express your discontent.

Now when I take it…much better.

And I’m much happier since I’m progressing along my Crone Arc: Elder to Sage and then Mage Arc: Sage to Saint, from Liminal World to Yonder World. I’m no longer stuck back there in my painful adolescent stage.

So…what creates Passive-Aggressiveness?

While all the causes aren’t clear, some likely factors are known.

Researchers believe people who exhibit passive-aggressive behaviors begin doing so in childhood. Parenting style, family dynamics, and other childhood influences may be contributing factors.

Child abuse, neglect, and harsh punishment can also cause a person to develop passive-aggressive behaviors. Substance abuse and low self-esteem are also thought to lead to this type of behavior.

Check, check, check. While writing my memoir, I’ve spent a lot of time being very honest with myself. After all, a memoir is supposed to be true.

While I did spend my childhood being good, helpful, and obedient, it was for all the wrong reasons. I did it entirely to avoid being abused by my mentally ill mother.

Unfortunately, she regularly proved herself capable of intense cruelty by abusing my older sister. I realized I could always be her next victim—if my behavior slipped.

At the same time, she’d exclude me from her outrageous outburst saying, “I’m mad at everyone but Cindy. So why can’t you be good like her?”

It was an impossible situation for a child.

And a standard of behavior that I’d spend my lifetime trying to live up to. But inside? I resented what I’d accepted as my destiny—fated to never think of myself, only of others.

When I left home and married into a traditional, patriarchal family and church, my patterns were reinforced.

I was SuperMom on steroids, caffeine, AND Red Bull.

But inside, I was seething, and that kind of negative energy seeped out against my will. Whew! That was a lot of s#*t to haul around.

Now I know better, and when I feel negativity and aggression boiling up inside, I stop and ask, Cindy, what’s going on here? What is really bothering you? (don’t worry, I live by myself.)

And do you know what? Once I take a few minutes, or as long as it takes, I find one of three things is true:

• I’m upset about something that’s none of my freaking business. No one made me the police officer of the universe.
• I’m putting my frustration with myself on someone else.
• Or, it’s a situation where I need to take appropriate, mindful action.

I’ve never been more at peace. If you’ve read a few of my articles, you know I love Brene Brown. Yes, literally.

She helped change my thinking with this statement:

All I know is that my life is better when I assume that people are doing their best. It keeps me out of judgment and lets me focus on what is, and not what should or could be. —Brené Brown, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

Please, if this sounds familiar to you; I urge you to read, be truthful, and mindful.

We’re never too old for healing. Blessings.

Cindy grew up on a homestead in Alaska and is writing a memoir about her experience. Sign up for her brief Writer Weekly to hear what’s new in Dripping Springs, Texas.